Yesterday I read a truly outstanding, revelatory blog post by Skye. I couldn’t possibly do it justice in my description here, but you can go and read it too at her blog.
Skye talks about power, protection and progress and how she often diminishes herself, her strengths and talents, largely out of a need to protect herself.
This really made me think. It touched something inside that I need to tug out and study. I have been musing a lot about where it’s my body that’s had me sort of stalled in my weight loss, or if I’m self-sabotaging my progress. Am I having a few more incidents of eating compulsively strictly because I have the eating disorder, or am I using my disease to interfere with my weight loss success?
I’m sort of in a tug-of-war with myself. On the one hand, I bought my bike and am riding it regularly. Whether riding to Tai Chi class and back yesterday, or the half hour bike ride I did a short time ago, I’m definitely increasing the amount of exercise. On the other hand, I know for a fact that I should not buy that snack mix. Even if it has healthy nuts and raisins in it with a sprinkling of chocolate pieces, it is not a good food for me to have in the house because there is a great likelihood that I will snack on it too often.
I bought a bunch of fresh fruit and veggies to prepare for meals this week. I also gave in to the buy one-get-one-free on English Muffins. In my brain at that moment of decision was the thought that, everyone once in awhile it’s okay for me to have a little bit of carbohydrates and at least these were the whole grain, low fat variety. Honestly, these would be okay if I ate half of one. Believe it or not, just that little restraint can be a struggle for me.
Anyway, I am really wondering whether I’m self-sabotaging and purposely slowing myself down. If so, why? I do not have the slightest idea of why I would be reluctant to achieve goal weight. I am so incredibly happy — joyful, elated even — with the progress I’ve made so far. There is no payoff to me in not seeing my way through to the end. There is nothing that I fear about being healthy and at goal weight. At least, there is nothing that I can identify.
This is an interesting conundrum to ponder. In between Skye’s terrific post and her follow up sharing about the rebound and my own musing, I was reminded of the Marianne Williamson piece that says:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
We are all meant to shine. I love this idea.
So, for now, whenever I am tempted to make a poor food choice or grab for a little more of even a healthy snack, I’m going to ask myself why. Why do I want to eat that? What’s the payoff? Why do I think I want that more in that moment than I want to keep making progress toward my goal.
Weighty Matters 
Could part of it be that you’re at a weight that’s fairly easy to maintain? I know it’s scary for me to get close to a goal weight and know that I’ll have to be really good about eating right/exercising in order to maintain it.
But maybe that’s just me. :p
Thank you for referring to my posts! I’m going to be referring back to them for myself, to remind myself and to keep myself thinking.
One reason you might still have issues that hold you back in weight loss is that maybe the weight protected you from something: from the potential of a relationship (which I personally find scary), from the outside world in some way. Often our worst habits and issues stem from protective mechanisms gone wrong. I know that about so many of my issues. And it can be challenging to convince your deepest self that you no longer need those protective mechanisms.
So let those thoughts float around in your head and see if they connect with anything. If not, no loss.
I love the idea that we are all meant to shine. When I have felt the best in my life, I have felt as if I were shining. I will shine again.
And you seem to shine every day.