Something happened at work today that put me in a slight conflict with someone whom I greatly admire and care about. I can’t go into tremendous detail, but when it happened, it triggered my usual reaction when he and I disagree. I feel like, at times, he doesn’t trust me to do my job. At least that’s what his behavior conveys to me.
That said, a very wise woman with whom I also work, who knows about this issue with me, pointed out that when he and I are in conflict, that feeling naturally comes up for me, because I view his behavior through that particular lens. If the same situation developed with someone else, even if it was also a conflict, I would experience a different reaction and feeling because I’d look at it through a different lens.
I got that. I really did. I’m just trying to process it a little more because, even knowing that my viewing lens and filters, might skew my perception of the situation in that moment, it doesn’t make the feelings any less real or upsetting.
Everything resolved, but I feel like tonight I truly need to embrace the lesson and work on this. See, even if in the past he acted like he didn’t trust me to do my job, and that was hurtful, it doesn’t mean that he’s bringing that into every disagreement. I did it with my filters and lens and created the extra turmoil that I’m sitting with tonight. If I do this with him, then there are probably others with whom I have different triggers. I don’t think this is a big, mysterious thing, or that I’m terminally unique. It might even be natural that we bring the old stuff with us into the new. That said, natural doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy behavior. Call me confuddled and confoozled while I try to lay off the dry roasted peanuts.
After work, I drove home and took the dogs out for a walk. I followed the walk up with a 30 minutes bike ride before dinner. The activity cleaned out some of the brain junk. After the meal, I settled in on the recliner. Cuddling the dogs provided much needed soothing, but I also realized that my emotions are bubbling right at the surface. Hence the struggle with the peanuts. I also got downright weepy over Valerie Harper’s bravura attitude on Dancing With the Stars. Seriously. If I cry over someone dancing, it’s a sure sign that I feel sort of rocky.
I’m going to do the best thing for myself and go to bed early. I’m not going to straighten out my old behavior patterns in one night, but at least I can more clearly see the problem. It’s a start.
Weighty Matters 
I’ve been feeling all out of sorts lately. I keep having to say to myself “don’t eat your feelings, don’t eat your feelings, don’t eat your feelings.” I’m pretty proud of myself, I haven’t consumed a single piece of chocolate.
The only thing that (finally) broke the funk? I forced myself to go on a jog last night.
Isn’t it funny how we crave things that make us feel worse, and don’t want to do things that make us feel better. Chocolate never works, running pretty much always does. And yet I rarely crave running. :p
I hear you, Mary, and think your reaction was normal. Those pathways are deeply ingrained and they pop up whenever a similar situation arises. However, you were amazing in being able to step away and realize you may have overreacted. That’s half the journey. Maybe even more. It doesn’t mean you won’t still hurt, it’s just that now, you’ll move a little closer to healing.
Wow, I hear you! My adrenaline spikes if anyone says they want to talk to me in their office, and it gets even worse if they say to close the door! It’s a trigger based on old stuff, but it’s still powerful.
I’m glad you had someone wise to discuss this with and that you took time to think and to soothe yourself. I hate how long it can take to change thinking and behaving patterns, but I guess the time and effort pay off in solidity and stability.
May you rest well and wake up feeling renewed!