I’ve been absent from the blog for a couple of days. I didn’t want to post and be a downer but today I remembered that this blog isn’t about me being all sunshine, rainbows and bright lights all of the time. It’s about being honest and authentic as I continue on this journey. So, here I am tonight, warts and all. I’m struggling with my food plan and have absolutely no idea why.
I’ve been doing well and don’t know what rock on this road tripped me up. I haven’t had a major crisis. Nothing in the universe reached out to smack me. There isn’t anything big to trigger me screwing up my plan.
When I thought about the journey being a rocky road I remembered something that I learned a long time ago. Sometimes it isn’t the big rocks that throw you off stride. It’s the small pebble beneath the rock that makes it unstable and out of balance. I haven’t identified the pebble yet either, but in the end, the why of it doesn’t matter as much as what I do because of it. More to the point, it’s what I don’t do that really matters, as in not going off track.
Once I stumble, life can be a treacherous, slippery slope. Going off of my food plan slows my progress which adds to my emotional upset and frustration. Then I start feeling bad, get angry with myself for not keeping in control and that makes me want to eat more. All of that is crap and totally unnecessary. Really, I can save myself a lot of aggravation and upset if I don’t tumble down that slope, but it’s hard not to fall in with what is so very familiar. Destructive or not, addictive eating is very familiar.
That, too, is crap. Everything about this journey involves changing old behaviors and staying far, far away from the way I used to act and the poor choices that I made.
I reached out to a long time, dear friend of mine who is on the same journey. She also has a lot of years in program. I simply shared that I’m struggling and could use some good thoughts, energy and prayers. I received what is easily the longest single text message I’ve ever gotten. It was loaded with shared understanding, support and excellent reminders.
The best reminders are simple. One day at a time. Stay in the present. Remember that the pain of food is greater than any imaginary soothing.
Tomorrow is a new day. When I wake up, the day is an opportunity to start fresh without addictive eating, negative feelings, frustration or sorrow. I’m going to promise this to myself that it will be a good day on my food plan. I’m not thinking ahead to whether I’ll lose weight in a day, or have gained it because of yesterday and today. I’m not planning what will happen on Thursday. All that matters is that tomorrow, Wednesday, be a good day on my food plan. I’ll stay in the present and do it one day at a time.
Weighty Matters 
By now… I’m sure you’ve done it! 🙂
Many, many thanks, everyone. I know it’s only 10:20 a.m. but I’ve abstained from any compulsive eating so far today. That’s a start. I’m sitting down with my healthy, planned mid-morning snack. (A measured portion of hummus and some carrot sticks.) My meals and snacks are planned and organized for the rest of the day.
I’m kicking pebbles out of the way. A good friend shared her mantra that food is food and feelings are feelings and they really don’t have anything to do with each other.
No matter what might happen or how I feel, I don’t have to eat over it. Soldiering on. The goal is to have a good day on my food plan. I can do this.
Your support and energy help!
There’s a lot of stress is monitoring every mouthful.
That’s all I have to say, other than, here’s a big hug.
You can do this Mary Stella! You are right that the pebbles are the ones that really can trip you. So all of us are walking with you kicking the pebbles to the side of the path. I’ve goT my Doc Martins on – great for pebble kicking!
Mary, I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you, but I want you to know that you impress me beyond words. I stop by to see how you’re doing and to learn from your strength and resolve. I am not a logical thinker so I love to watch you take a situation, look at its many angles and formulate a plan of attack. I know you’ll stay strong and achieve your every goal.
I know how you feel. I’m constantly struggling to find my triggers. For the most part I know them, but every once in a while I meet one of your pebbles. : ) Could your pebble have been your recent trip to Hawaii where maybe you relaxed a bit more than you should? I know that I relaxed way too much at conference ten days ago, and I’m still repairing.
You’re right: this blog isn’t all about sunshine and rainbows and being constantly positive. It’s about all of you and all of your experiences and struggles and challenges and successes and non-successes. I’m glad you wrote this. It’s good to get it out there, out of you, out into the universe. You will continue to stay on your plan far more often than not, and you will continue to succeed. Tomorrow you will feel better. It’s okay to not be perfect; if you were perfect, there would be no room for growth and learning.
Be well. I’m listening.