I’m never sure what topics and posts will really interest other people, but Dating Game drew a higher than average number of views. Thanks to all for stopping by and for the sharing in comments. I write this for me first, and as you’ve noticed, the subjects run the gamut. There isn’t much that I won’t talk about which doesn’t mean I have no filter, rather that I feel comfortable in this space. Thanks to all of you for increasing and maintaining the comfort zone.
If I were going to do a subtitle for this post, it would be, “Hello, feet. Nice to see you again.” As I lose more weight, I’m getting re-acquainted with parts of my body that have been concealed for many, many years; buried, actually, beneath all of the fat and swelling.
After decades of not looking at myself in the mirror any longer than absolutely necessary, it’s kind of fun looking at the changes in my body and watching parts of me reemerge. Look, there’s my jaw line. Hello, collar bones. It’s been awhile. I don’t know what the bones in my wrist are called, but look! Without the pudge I can see that they give definition and some grace.
It used to be that by the middle of the day, it looked and felt like there were water balloons wrapped around my ankles beneath the skin. They still get a little puffy, but no where nearly as much as before. Last night I enjoyed a nice soak in the bathtub, and I could actually lean forward and massage my own feet and explore my ankle bones. Yes, when standing I can touch my toes. It’s also a lot easier to scrub or scratch my own back.
Ahh, the simple pleasures that thinner people might take for granted.
Please don’t think that I spend a lot of time freakishly obsessed with touching myself. These discoveries come about mostly through observation, but I think they’re important to note. I’m learning to see what’s real about my body at every stage of the game. Remember back earlier in my progress when I couldn’t truly see the weight loss because of my “fat eyes” syndrome? I need to recognize and celebrate the positive changes. It’s healthy to have a clear picture of my body.
My body and I have been estranged for so long, it’s about time we got re-acquainted.
Weighty Matters 
I can relate to rediscovering your feet. Hoo boy can I relate!
Oh, that “Anonymous” post – that’s me, Pink Pelican. Sorry. I forgot to fill out the form. I got a new computer & all the old cookie settings are gone.
Congratulations! It’s so amazing to see & feel the changes, isn’t it?
I’ve noticed that when I’m distracted, I will find myself running my fingers lightly over my collar bones & shoulders; I tend to have a tactile side to my nature, & the topography of the bones is interesting. And I guess because I don’t remember ever being able to really feel the bone structure, it remains a new & interesting curiosity. I also find myself fiddling with the tendons/ligaments at the base of my skull & the depression between the two; part of this is a new, very short hair cut; I mess with my hair, & then I linger over the feel of ridges & valleys that didn’t used to “be” there.
Like you, it’s not a “touching myself” kind of thing so much as a “wow, who knew THAT was there?!”. Hip bones are much more prominent to sight & touch, and as my thighs have slimmed down, the heavy muscles, tendons & ligaments are much more pronounced there. Occasionally I find myself thinking, “so THAT’S how that attaches …” (Mind you, some explorations are not done in public, even absent-mindedly, grin …)
And the other day, I was sitting at my desk & looked down, & with my thighs together (and being able to sit with my thighs together without any muscle strain or effort AT ALL is a new & wonderful thing), I could see a gap that ran from mid thigh to knee. How amazing is that?! I spend huge portions of every day sitting with my legs crossed. I can even sit comfortably in the car with my legs crossed.
And like you, I’ve noticed that the swelling in my lower legs is much reduced; somedays it’s non-existent. It’s so NICE to have my ankles back.
I find it oddly amusing that the BMI charts still list me as technically obese. I have about a pound & a half to go before I’m officially “overweight” according to BMI charts, instead of “obese”. I don’t put much credence in BMI definitions; it’s only important to me because the medical profession uses BMI charts for diagnoses and I am eager to see the diagnosis “obesity” removed from my charts.
But I don’t feel obese anymore. I’m aware that I am still overweight, but I don’t know that I even feel overweight anymore. I feel mostly “normal”, or as normal as I can feel without remembering ever feeling that way, if that makes any sense at all. I’m content to continue losing weight as long as my body is willing to cooperate. I’d like to get my behind down a couple more sizes, since I have nice pants & jeans gifted to me from smaller friends who have lost weight themselves. I want to get comfortably out of the “obese” diagnosis category & have some room to spare.
But all that aside — when I look in the mirror (dressed) or catch a reflection of myself in plate glass windows & stuff, I see a generally “normal” shaped woman. Things are in proportion; it’s a pear proportion, but it’s nice. I get in & out of the car easily; I go up & downstairs easily; I can move & be active without pain, awkwardness, or unreasonable shortness of breath. I’m comfortable trying new kinds of activities, & I don’t get anxious about weight restrictions or concerns. I can sit at a restaurant table & not worry that my chair sticks out so far that it blocks the aisle; I can stand in an aisle in a store without feeling like I’m blocking the whole aisle; I can maneuver in crowded stores without fearing I’ll knock everything over; I can sit in a restaurant booth comfortably with somebody else in the booth, even; I can sit in all manner of public seating like a normal person; I can shop in normal-sized clothing stores; I’m pretty sure that if I want to, I can ride a roller coaster (that will be for next summer). I go into a public restroom & no longer automatically seek out the wider handicapped stall; the stalls that used to look to my eyes like tiny narrow coffins now appear roomy.
So to be classified as “obese” right now just seems strange. I don’t feel that way anymore, not even close. I am astounded at how my perception — of myself, of the world around me, of how I “fit” into the world around me — has changed so incredibly much in little over a year.
Please don’t think that I spend a lot of time freakishly obsessed with touching myself.
You made me laugh with that.
Yay for back scratching!
Egads
Who could blame you if you spent a lot of time touching yourself, examining your body? It’s part of the reacquaintance process. I sometimes spend large amounts of time looking in the mirror, trying to see who’s in there (does that sound weird?).
I think it’s great that you are finding your body again and finding joy in doing so. And I think I’ll end this before it starts sounding any weirder and more inappropriate than it’s edging toward. 🙂