Weighty Matters

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New Vision

on February 28, 2012

My friends and co-workers have started to see the weight loss in my face and body.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since, even though I started out super obese, losing over 45 pounds is a big chunk of weight.  I can feel the loss in some clothes that used to be tight and now fit nicely and others that fit well and are now on the edge of too big.

The biggest difference that I feel is in simple movement — doing my Tai Chi, walking without my heart pounding and my lungs striving to suck in air.  Wlthough I was still a little achy after being on my feet for three hours the other day, my ankles and knees didn’t throb with pain for the rest of the night.  These are all very positive improvements that make me happy.

I just can’t wait until I see the weight loss in myself.  Even if I stare in the mirror it’s like I have some sort of internal vision filter that still shows me at my highest weight. When it comes to my own body, my perception does not run true.   I call this syndrome “fat eyes”.

Oddly enough, I see the reduction in my hands.  The backs of my hands aren’t as puffy.  My fingers look long and lovely and my rings are loose.  This, too, is positive progress!

I wish I knew how to change the way that I see myself.  Sure, this will eventually happen.  At some point, my collar bones will be revealed, my face will thin, the huge rolls around my abdomen and stomach will grow smaller.  My ass will no longer be gargantuan with a shelf you could set china on.  I’ll be thinner all over and then, finally, I will see my progress from forehead to feet and all parts in between.

But I’m impatient.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I’d like the real reflection to look back — not the still inflated Mary.  I guess my vision’s just broken and I’m not sure how to fix it.  Maybe I just need to journey on until I’ve lost twice the weight that I have already.  Part of the problem is that I carry images of myself at different weights so what’s been revealed so far is a slightly less fat version of myself that I remember.  So it isn’t new to me.  I’m not sure.

I’ve decided to take new photos of myself with every 50 pound drop in weight. I’m almost positive that, when studying side by side evidence of my progress even my fat eyes won’t obscure the view. In the meantime, while I work toward this new vision and changing my fat eyes syndrome, what I really need to cultivate is patience.

Are you objective about your bodies?  Do you see yourself truly?

8 responses to “New Vision

  1. Laura Wilson says:

    It’s easier to see in pictures than it is in the mirror. And people will notice it way before you do, especially if you’re still wearing your own clothes. The first time you have to go to the store to get new pants will be a big deal. Collar bones were a big thing too 🙂

  2. pinkpelican says:

    I think the photos every 50 pounds is a wonderful idea. I have pictures on my computer (of me, of my honeybunny, of arty things I like, of flower arrangements, just all kinds of stuff). The pictures of me & my honeybunny have been taken before we both had the weight loss surgery, and a few at random times since. The pictures make up my screensaver on my computer, & they pop up randomly.

    The differences are very visible. I am about 7 months out from surgery, & down about 145# from my heaviest weight ever; he’s 6 months out from surgery, & down 145# in that 6 month time frame. The pictures show me the progress in stark detail, & reinforce what I see in the mirror. It really does help retrain your eyes.

    Keep going! You’re going great!

  3. I think it’s hard to see changes in yourself because you see yourself all the time. It’s hard to notice the incremental changes, but when someone sees you, who hasn’t for a while, those combined incremental changes are more noticeable. Taking pictures periodically sounds like a great way to really “see” how much progress you’re making.

  4. kipper43 says:

    I am not patient or objective about my body. My brain thinks I can fit through things and I clumsily stumble around in crowds restaurants etc. Avoid concerts etc. If I did not love the dolphins and all the dolphin family at DRC, I would not fly. Mary patience is hard, suggestions on looking at yourself, tape up pictures of your relatives and places you want to go etc. Looking forward, talk positively in the mirror. ( I need to take my own advice as I am writing this.) I believe in your new vision and the path you are traveling is not easy, but is rewarding.

  5. robenagrant says:

    Yep. I think of myself as a big woman. All of my sisters are petite and I’m 5’7″. My nickname as a kid was fatty. I got a shock when I attended a writers weekend workshop and all of the attendees thought of me as slim. Sometimes we have to take those mental images and words from our brains and give them a good shake. We have to consciously reset the negative thoughts we’ve carried for so long.

  6. Judie says:

    It’s funny how perspective works. I see myself as a larger woman and don’t know if that will every change. I see less bumps and what not, but I do have a negative self image that I know I need to work on.

    I have a co-worker who is of a size with me and she sees herself a skinny. Her brain never registered the weight gain. Even though her clothing size has increased. Crazy how the brain works.

    Hope that you will be able to see the diference soon. 45 pounds is a freaking lot of weight. I bet the side by side photo will reveal alot.

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