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Fighting Back – Day Two

Thanks to the no-junk-carbs, healthy foods, lots of fluids approach yesterday, I’ve flushed two pounds of the evil water weight out of my body. Two more to go and I’ll be back on track.

In the midst of this I had the “Oh Yeah”, mental head smack, “D’oh!” moment. I really am supposed to eat like this all of the time while I’m still on the reducing phase of my weight loss journey. It’s not like I’ve been awful, playing fast and loose with my food plan, but clearly I have not been as “rigorously honest” with the effort as I thought. In retrospect, I will cop to what I know realize was some form of denial.

I wasn’t bingeing. I wasn’t completely immersed in compulsive eating. I was probably eating more like I will as a “normal” person. Eating well-balanced, healthy meals, indulging with a few treats here and there, but not going crazy to the point where I kept gaining pound after pound after pound.

The thing is that I’m not yet in the phase where this is the way that I should be eating. I still have weight to lose, so I was stalling my own effort. There is a LOT of great news in this realization. Just the fact that I actually can eat like a so-called “normal” person is encouraging. I’ve never been able to do that for a sustained period of time. ***I hate the term “normal person” or “normal eating” but, unfortunately, I can’t think of better, more appropriate terms right now to convey what I mean.*** I’ve now been on this journey for more than two years and, overall, I’m doing great! This gives me enormous encouragement that when it’s time for me to transition to maintenance and the future lifestyle of eating, I’m going to continue to be successful.

This eliminates an enormous fear. Deep in my heart, I’ve been almost afraid to believe that I will not gain back all of my weight. I’ve been terrified that I will revert to the old pattern, the way that I did every single other time I dieted. I am now cautiously learning to have faith and believe that I truly am converting to a person who will sustain life time recovery. These are not just “for now” changes. I’m in it to win it for the rest of my life.

For now, however, I need to maintain the rigorous honesty of my “losing” food plan. I’m fighting back against the lure of carbs and too much sugar. It’s day two of this week’s fight, and I’m committed to success. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and commit again. Recovery is achieved by successfully living a series of “One Day at a Time” efforts.

I feel lighter today, not just in body, but also in spirit. I was growing weary of the losing effort. Today I am newly inspired.

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Misplaced Guilt

I got up at 6 a.m. today but it was raining so I didn’t go out for a walk or bike ride. I also didn’t put in one of my home exercise DVDs. Instead, I prepared and packed lunch for work, turned on my DVR recording of last night’s Scandal (OMG!), and ate breakfast. By the way, that whole mixing of some vanilla extract and honey into plain non-fat yogurt turned out great!

I feel really guilty that I didn’t exercise. I know this is misplaced guilt and just another great example of how diseased thinking can strike. I exercise for at least an hour a day, usually seven days a week. That’s even more than the usually recommended amount. Even when the number on the scale is slow, the inches coming off and the reshaping of my body are evident because of the exercise. Bottom line: I have no reason to feel guilty because I skipped a day of exercise.

Particularly when I haven’t skipped an entire day. I could make it up tonight after work — or not. It’s okay. The only person who disagrees isn’t even a person — it’s my subconscious or some part of my brain that likes to make me feel bad or feel like I’m letting myself down or doing something wrong to screw up my recovery.

Right now, I’m going to declare that I will not listen to that part of my psyche. I will not spend another minute feeling this misplaced guilt. I will not compound it by also eating off of my food plan. I will remain in recovery today.

I needed to get that out. Thanks.

By the way, have I mentioned that tomorrow I’m doing a 5K walk race? I’m not in it for competition. The whole event benefits a local service organization that runs a food bank and homeless shelter. I wanted to support the organization. Not only will tomorrow give me a chance to do that, but it will put me squarely back on the exercise wagon.

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Being Here Now

I’m thinking a lot about the importance of being present in each moment. This is often quite difficult to remember, or easy to remember but difficult to practice. It’s even harder to be present in the moment and only experience that moment for what it is. Cause whatever the moment is, that’s what it is — and it ain’t what it ain’t.

Deep, huh?

We tend to bring a lot of stuff with us into every situation, interaction, conversation and experience. Sometimes we are the sum total of everything that’s gone on before so we don’t look at present moments with a clear, unaffected view. Instead, we filter them through all the other stuff.

While I think that it’s good to build on good foundations, we need to discern when we’re standing on solid ground and when we’re letting poor past experiences or apprehension about the future “what could happen” adulterate the moment.

So how does all this “be here, be present” musing connect to my eating disorder or my recovery? I’m trying to be mindful of my triggers and my habits. Just because I might have eaten inappropriately as a result of a situation before doesn’t mean that I have to repeat the behavior when I run into that situation again. I need to stay in the moment and deal from the strength of the recovery that I’ve built to date. When I’m anticipating a situation or a circumstance, I don’t need to react in old patterns of behavior if those patterns don’t serve a positive purpose.

Just because I’ve eaten compulsively, or overeaten before, for whatever reason, doesn’t mean I’m a slave to continuing in disease. I have new, healthier methods of dealing with whatever issue occurs.

Right now, this moment, is not what happened yesterday or last week, or when I was a kid. A bad experience in the past does not mean that the same will happen for sure in the future so I don’t need to fear that it will. I only need to take care of whatever is going on right now. It deserves the best of my attention with an open mind and open heart. Staying present means that the situation or person gets quality interaction from me, which is what they deserve. It’s what I deserve, too.

I have a favorite William Blake poem that intertwines with tonight’s musings. I love it so much that I did a counted cross stitch representation of it many years ago and it still hangs on one of my walls. It reminds me that everything comes down to the simple, the present moment, the being here now.

BlakeCrossstitch

This helps me to remember that no matter how enormous, intimidating, or overwhelming something might be, it really is no more than that grain of sand, the single wildflower, the palm of my hand, or a single hour.

It certainly doesn’t have to warrant diseased eating. That’s for sure.

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Springsteen Saturday

I’ve raved written here before about my decades long love and admiration for Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. No, it isn’t love as in I-was-the-person-he-should-have-married-crazy-stalker-fan love. It’s entirely because since I was 17 years old, Bruce’s songs have inspired, encouraged, resonated and deeply touched my emotions.

The last time I saw him and the band in concert was September 2012 up home in New Jersey. It feels like shortly after, he launched an International tour that’s gone on forever. We, i.e. his U.S. fans, have waited ever since for him to book more dates here at home. Our hopes rose when he recently released a new album, High Hopes.

We have been rewarded. Earlier this week he announced U.S. dates. To my utter joy one of those dates is a night in South Florida. The tickets went on sale this morning at 10 a.m. I pre-cautioned my Tai Chi instructor that I’d need to leave class early. My computer was booted up and I was sitting at Ticketmaster.com, refreshing the concert date page by 9:59 a.m. so that I wouldn’t miss out. Who’s going to see Springsteen? *points to self* This woman! Booyah!

I’ve probably said before that my favorite Bruce song is Thunder Road. (The fact that the protagonist in the song sings to a woman named Mary is purely coincidental.) In the song, the man urges Mary to go out with him, to believe in him, to show a little faith, that there is magic in the night. He can’t promise to be her hero but he is determined to win in the game of life.

When I was 17, that song was an invitation to pursue my dreams, to reach out for them with both hands and an open heart. To not be afraid but to leap and believe that the net would appear.

Now that I’m 56, Thunder Road still resonates but now it’s a reminder that I still have dreams and goals. I have promises to fulfill to myself. I am still in the process of living my best life.

One of the many things that always impressed me about Springsteen’s music and message was the fact that even when a song was filled with swagger, his characters weren’t pie-eyed optimists. They didn’t expect life to hand them their dreams but at heart they believed they could earn the dreams they wanted. By contrast, when his songs dealt with characters in despair, their pain was that much more cutting.

There are many themes, many characters and many stories — uplifting and positive or dark and sad. For me, the message I listen to the most is the one that reinforces earning my dreams and goals. I have to pay my way to reach them. In terms of my continued weight loss and recovery this means dedicating time, energy, spirit, and physical effort. That’s the payment recovery demands and I’m willing to pay. After all, I got high hopes.

Give me help, give me strength
Give a soul a night of fearless sleep
Give me love, give me peace
Don’t you know these days you pay for everything
Got high hopes
I got high hopes
I got high hopes
I got high hopes

– Bruce Springsteen

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Keeping Off the “See-Food” Diet

I can’t emphasize this point enough with myself. Stay mindful. It is incredibly easy to fall off the food plan wagon in an instant if I don’t stay vigilant. I’ve done mostly great since returning from my cruise and been really happy that I continue to lose weight, but I also saw that I was giving into impulse when around foods that are not on my plan.

I went to friends’ for a Super Bowl Party. There were a lot of different foods set out and I wanted to taste almost all of them. That’s okay, as long as I do it mindfully without stuffing in the food faster than I can think about what and how much I’m putting in my mouth.

Oddly enough, it is more difficult for me to refrain from compulsive eating or snacking at home than it was when I was on the cruise. That sounds surprising because there is so much food available all of the time on a cruise ship. However, and this is a big however, it is only available in the restaurants. So, out of sight, out of reach and, mostly, out of mind.

Here at home, food is as accessible as my kitchen and fridge. At work, we have a kitchen and people love to leave out treats and snack foods. Sometimes just seeing food out triggers a “want” in my head. That’s where the vigilant mind comes into play. “Want” is not “Need”. “Want” is not “Should Eat”.

I do not want to slip up and halt my terrific momentum. I’ve talked before about hating to write down my food, but I know it’s a very helpful tool. The goal is to be willing to write it down in the morning, before I eat, rather than rely on logging it after my meals. It’s a good way to stay mindful. If the food isn’t on my list, then the choice is simply to not eat.

The smart phone makes it easy. I can do this either in myfitnesspal or on the Notes feature. I chose Notes today. Breakfast – a fruit/protein smoothie. Mid-morning snack: granola/sunflower seed mix. Lunch: Egg salad on baby lettuce with two small toast crips. Mid-afternoon snack: apple slices with natural peanut butter. Dinner: Lentil soup and salad. Evening snack: Greek yogurt.

I packed my day time snacks and lunch so I’m prepared at work. I feel strong and confident that I can stick with this food plan today and not give into the “See food – eat it” compulsion.

My takeaway from this is that it is always important to protect and nurture my recovery. I have to keep using the tools even when I’m rolling along. Sometimes it might feel easier but it never really is easier. Ongoing success requires ongoing work.

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Cruise Day Five – St. Maarten Sailing

I hope that the travelogue-ish posts aren’t boring all of you. Inside each day I feel that I learned something more about myself, something pertinent to my recovery efforts, or at least something relevant to where I’ve been, where I am or where I’m going.

On the fifth day of the cruise, we arrived in St. Maarten. You might have noticed that I like excursions that involve water and boats of any kind. For the day I’d signed up for the America’s Cup Regatta trip. I thought this meant that they would put us on a sailboat and race us around for awhile. I was pretty excited when I realized on my morning walk that we had a nice wind blowing and the conditions would be great for a sail. Oh the excursion was so much more than I expected. It turns out they would split the group of 30 people into two teams of 15, put each team on its own sailboat and then have us race each other! Psych!

On this excursion, we were joined by singer-songwriter Anita Cochran, Suzanne Alexander from the Great American Country television channel, and a couple of their friends. Nice women. We chatted in line before getting to the tender boat that would take us to the sailing vessels. A couple of them have a trip planned for the Keys so I gave them my contact info later in the cruise in case they want to visit the dolphins where I work.

It turns out that I was on a different sailboat — True North — and they were part of the team sailing Stars and Stripes. Trash talking ensued when we were on the boat going out to the sailing vessels. (Ok, I might have instigated some of the trash talk but everybody else on the excursion quickly got into the spirit and the good natured teasing. Someone on one team or the other would say something smart alecky and everyone would laugh.)

We were asked if we wanted an active job, a semi-active job or a not-so-active job. Does it surprise any of you that I wanted an active job? I was assigned the role of being one of the primary grinders. On the vessel we had to work the four person cranking gizmo that raised, tightened or let out the foresail. There were two experienced crew members and a captain who gave us instruction and cued us when to get set, which direction to crank, and when to start and stop. Other people on the team had jobs like main grinders, time keeper, winch wenches, etc. All of us had parts to play to race the boat.

It was exciting, fast, beautiful, and hard work! Lots of arm and shoulder effort to work those cranks, let me tell you, but we were up to the challenge. The race went for five legs and, toward the end, Stars and Stripes was coming on fast, but we squeaked out a victory. Talk about exhilarating! Everybody on both vessels talked about how this was one of the best excursions ever.

We met up after in the ship’s store. As badly as we’d all trash talked before the race, we were gracious in victory, realizing that everybody worked freaking hard and gave the race their all. Anita told us we all better come to her show because she would definitely talk about the race. However, she joked that if we came in making the L sign on our foreheads for Loser, the rest of the audience might think we meant her music. I assured her that, for all that I am an inveterate smart ass, I would never disrespect her or any performer on stage.

Later that night, she performed with Ty Herndon. Great music and performances! I was behaving myself, applauding their performance, when Ty mentioned that Anita had spent the day racing sailboats. Someone from my team way on the other side of the lounge yelled out that she’d been on the losing boat! Anita said, “I thought we weren’t going to go there, Mary.”

Ack! Blamed when I was being so good. Caught up in the moment, I jumped up defended myself. Ty announced that he’d lost all control of his show and the rest of the audience laughed. I saw Anita afterwards and she pointed out that she couldn’t actually see our faces but shouldn’t have assumed. It was a pretty funny moment.

At dinner that evening, I’d sat with a half a dozen other people including two friends who were traveling together, a married couple from Oklahoma, and a woman I’d seen earlier at line dancing class. We were all talking about the excursions we’d done and I mentioned the sailing. This lead to a discussion of other excursions on other trips and I talked about ziplining and hiking the crater in Hawaii. One of the women asked, “Have you always lived life on the edge?”

It was such an interesting perspective from someone who didn’t know me and knew nothing of my history. I liked the image of being seen as an adventurous woman. I decided to share just a little bit. I told her that no, I had not always lived this way and that, to be honest, two years ago I couldn’t have done any of these activities because of my obesity. “So now you’re making up for lost time?” she asked.

I don’t know that I’ve thought of it that way, friends, but as soon as she asked I realized that, to large extent, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Making up for lost time and making the most of every opportunity.

The late show that night was by Wade Hayes. I remembered his hit songs from several years ago, but hadn’t heard much about him in recent years. I was surprised when he talked about being a medical miracle and said that it was, indeed, a miracle that he was alive. It turns out that in 2012, he was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer that spread to his liver. Multiple surgeries and chemo treatments helped him battle and he survived. He was only 42 with no history of this cancer in his family! I was incredibly touched by his story and loved his new song Live Your Life.

I truly feel like I’ve received a lot of important reminders and life affirmations on this cruise. More than just being entertained and having fun, I’m taking in these messages and this energy. I want to internalize them so that they enhance and contribute to my commitment to recovery. I want to keep living my best life, every single day.

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Jumped In and Cruised

Everyone, I’ve been away from home for a week without internet access. I wrote the last few posts before I left and scheduled them to appear while I was on vacation. In the past I’ve said flat out when I’ve been away, but several friends and other stories convinced me to, perhaps, not be quite so open about the absences. I’m sure you understand.

I think I mentioned several months ago that I booked myself as a solo traveler on a Country Music Cruise. I’d mentioned the thing to some friends but either they didn’t have the desire, the time, or the budget to go. I thought about what it would be like to go by myself without knowing anyone else on the ship. I also kept going to the entertainment company’s site and reading about the incredible lineup of performers scheduled to appear, including some of my long time favorites. I really thought about how I would feel on January 19th if I was sitting at home while the ship sailed and decided to jump in and book. I figured that I’m outgoing and sociable enough that I would easily be able to talk to people and have a great time even without friends and family.

Friends, I cannot find adequate enough adjectives to describe how fantastic a week I just enjoyed! Every single day was packed with activity, adventure and abundant fun! I also enjoyed some extra special experiences, felt significant spiritual reconnection, and got in touch with some new or additional awareness.

During the week, I was on total digital disconnect. I turned off my smart phone when we left Ft. Lauderdale rather than invest in an international calling/data plan. My computer remained at home and I never went to the ship’s Internet café to log online. When we reached Puerto Rico on Wednesday and could access my regular mobile plan, I briefly turned on the phone, did a cursory check of personal email, spent five minutes on Facebook, and sent a couple of text messages to family, but that was it.

Instead, to stay connected to my process and journey, I kept a journal. The notes, comments and insights will help me as I share some of what I experienced in future blog posts. I need to go over everything again, but honest to goodness, I’m exhausted tonight from all of the adventure and fun.

One important thing that I will report is how incredibly well I did managing my food plan, my eating, and my exercise. My goal was to enjoy the delicious food but not overindulge or overeat. I wanted to get through the cruise without gaining weight. Every morning I woke up and walked the promenade deck for between one to two miles. I took the stairs, going up and down, 98% of the time. I went to the hour-long wellness class four of the seven days, took several hour-long line dancing classes, and walked allll over the ship. How did this activity measure up? Well, on Wednesday I racked up close to 21,000 steps. I also did a 90 minute kayaking excursion.

So you know that I couldn’t resist getting on the scale when I got home. Not only did I not gain weight, I lost a few pounds. In a word, Booyah! It was a true reaffirmation that I can actually be in the presence of massive amounts of delicious food items and not dive into diseased eating disorder mode. That is a huge NSV and source of encouragement to realize. I’m determined to bridge this back into my home life. Granted, I won’t walk around all day long like I seemed to do on the ship. After all, I do need to sit at my desk and work. However, I can continue to focus on my mindful eating, my healthy food choices, and impetus to be active whenever the opportunity presents.

I didn’t take that many pictures, but will share what I can. I’m going to work on downloading them tonight before I crash into bed so that they can accompany the week’s posts.

In the meantime, I hope that you all had a great, strong week. I missed you. I also knew that you’d all be happy for me. Trust me, I carried you and your support with me on my fantastic cruise adventure.

By the way, yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of my weight loss surgery. The journey has been amazing thus far. I can’t wait to experience whatever lies ahead. Thank you for being part of the trip.

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Post 500 – Anything Can Be a Binge Food

I can’t believe that this is the 500th Weighty Matters post! Thank you again for coming here and reading. Whether you comment a lot, a little, or simply lurk, I appreciate you adding your energy to the atmosphere and that you witness my journey. It helps me keep it real.

As you know, I have an eating disorder. My disease is compulsive overeating and binge eating. When I am in the grip of the disorder, I eat without thought, powered by compulsion. I will eat, eat, and eat some more. Binge eating meant I would do this and consume massive quantities of food. I wasn’t bulimic and wouldn’t purge. I’d just eat to the point of being incredibly uncomfortable and stuffed. If the binge mode was really strong, I’d wait until my stomach opened up a little space and then I’d binge some more.

Some folks with eating disorders feel that they need to abstain from certain substances — mostly sugar and/or white flour. I have never made the decision to cut those products out of my life. I’ve had some people argue with me that doing so is absolutely necessary in order to achieve long term recovery and abstinence. I say, while I understand that I’m not terminally unique, I believe that the disease manifests differently in different people. Instead of being addicted to particular products, I was more addicted to volume.

I also 100%, unequivocally, believe that anything can be a binge food. It doesn’t have to be sweets or white flour-based products. Pick a food, any food, and a binge eater could overload on it. You see, it isn’t about the actual food item. The root of the disease is the behavior itself. It’s eating when not hungry and eating more than an appropriate portion. It’s eating food compulsively instead of consuming what was intended. If I needed to binge and all that I had in my house were condiments, I’d probably pile up on ketchup and mayonnaise.

This is important for me to remember. Although my bariatric surgery provided me the fabulous tool of a drastically smaller stomach which limits the volume of food I can eat, it does not safeguard against me eating compulsively. So, recovery for me means abstaining from the compulsive behavior and the binging. Yes, even though the quantity of a post-surgery binge is far smaller, I can still eat more than I should, which makes my smaller stomach uncomfortable. It can even make me purge – which I hate.

There are some trigger foods that I am better off avoiding. I still wouldn’t want to trust myself and my recovery around pizza, unless I’m sharing with a group of friends. While I don’t deny myself the occasional baked goody, it’s better for me to not stock up on a supply in the house, but to purchase a smaller, single item when I really, really want the treat. I’m okay with keeping popping corn around for sometimes, but not so potato chips. This is about setting myself up for success. If I don’t keep binge quantities around, I don’t binge. It’s an almost simple equation.

Managing my food takes practice. It’s still a learning experience for me. Sometimes I do great and sometimes I screw up. Sometimes my disease whispers coaxing little lies to me that I can handle the disease no matter what and it tempts me to bring in larger quantities of potential trouble foods. Other times, my recovery is so strong and my mindset crystal clear enough to say “No” to that little voice.

I win more than I lose these days. My recovery isn’t perfect, but it continues. I’ve never maintained a significant weight loss effort for two years before and I’m only a few weeks away from my surgiversary. I want my awareness to stay strong so that I keep focusing on abandoning the diseased behavior and adopting the new, improved, healthier way of living. If I remember that anything can be a binge food so I need to keep my intent on correcting the behavior, I’ll continue to do well.

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Food Diary

A long time and many posts ago I shared that dislike keeping a food diary. I recognize that it is an important tool in my recovery but that doesn’t mean I joyfully embrace the practice of logging my food. This is a long standing dislike from way back in the days before there were smart phones with apps where we could input our daily food electronically. Hell, it goes back to the days before personal computers.

I’m not sure why I dislike it now, but I’ve figured out why I was always resistant before. Denial. Putting anything down on paper makes it all black and white. I understand now that a lot of my eating was unconscious. Okay, I wasn’t actually, physically unconscious when I ate, as in eyes closed, lights out. However, in the throes of a binge, I could eat and eat and eat and not be logically, completely aware of the foods. I was completely overwhelmed by the behavior. It was hard, difficult, uncomfortable, and stressful to face the truth.

When I started going to a real therapist in 1991 and she told me I had an eating disorder, it was a big deal. Oh, I should point out here that I’d had the eating disorder for years but didn’t know it. You see, I thought there were only two eating disorders — anorexia and bulimia. Since I wasn’t starving or purging, I was completely in the, “I’m just a weak-willed slob who can’t control her eating” state of mind and emotion.

Anyway, in the early days of our work and my infancy in OA, the therapist helped me structure my abstinence. She told me that I needed to commit to a food plan and every morning I needed to write down what foods I would eat and how much. At that point in time, we focused on adjusting the behavior and not so much on the quantity. This meant that if I wrote down in the morning that I was going to have six pieces of pizza for dinner and that’s what I ate, that was okay. I’d committed and adhered to the abstinence I’d defined. However, if I wrote down that I was going to have two pieces of pizza for dinner and then I ate three or four or five, I was not being abstinent.

Sounds a little wacky, but it worked. It helped. The first few months of doing it this way, going to meetings and continuing with therapy got me on track and in recovery.

I did it, including keeping the food diary, because I wanted to recover and was willing to go to any lengths. Even so, I never grew to love logging my food.

I still don’t like it, but I do it, now using MyFitnessPal as an app on my phone. I’ve discovered an important correlation. When I don’t log my food for a few days, I come close to falling off of the wagon. That alone is enough reason to keep logging.

A couple good friends use MyFitnessPal and we all also have FitBits. We’ve “friended” each other on FitBit so we can see each other’s daily progress, cheer each other on in our physical activity, etc. I don’t use the food diary on that program. These friends each recently sent me invitations to friend them on MyFitnessPal, too. I thought about it and then wrote to each of them. I asked them to please not be offended but MFP is where I log my food and I don’t want to share that diary. It has nothing to do with them, it’s all me not being comfortable putting that info out for anyone to see but me.

I’ve had to do a little soul-searching to see why sharing my food diary is out of my comfort zone. At first I worried that it could be a case of fostering sickness in the secretiveness. Tonight I really pondered and meditated on it and had some strong realizations. I spent many years with other people judging my food and what I ate and their disapproval or worry exacerbated my stress and my shame. At a young age I became a skilled stealth eater. My food diary needs to be a place where I can be completely honest about what I’m eating — even if I don’t have a good day and eat off of my food plan.

I can’t do that if what I log on there can be read by other people. I will incessantly worry about what other people think and how they’ll react to the point where I won’t be honest. If I am not honest on my food diary it ceases to be a viable tool in my recovery.

To be clear, these are not judgmental friends. This is all about my old tapes, previous experiences, and personal issues. That said, it is not possible for me at this time to give up the reluctance and make my food diary readable to anyone but myself. My choice to not share is about me protecting the role that keeping a food diary has in my recovery. I don’t have to like doing it, but I need to keep doing it and I can’t afford to let anything interfere with me maintaining this practice with integrity.

My friends were cool and told me they understood. We’ll continue to encourage each other via FitBit and in person. We’re good.

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Endless Possibilities

I emailed the man who wrote the essay that I cited in yesterday’s blog. He wrote me back and told me about a new book he has out. He also commented that it seems a number of bariatric surgery patients develop alcoholism and he doesn’t know why.

I wrote back and clarified that I’m not an alcoholic but that the 12 Step teachings help me a great deal with my addiction to compulsive eating behavior, binge eating, etc. I also offered up from my personal experience that it doesn’t surprise me that someone would transfer their food issues and pick up a different drug of choice, i.e. alcohol or narcotics. I’m grateful every day that I choose to delve into my issues and emotions, go deep into the past, including my triggers and everything else. It’s important that I do all this work for my recovery, even when the work is painful. The only way out is through. If I don’t do the processing, I could easily find some way other than binge eating to numb the feelings.

When I was active in OA, we frequently were joined by people from a local outpatient drug/alcohol rehab program. They’d discovered that when they stopped using drugs and alcohols, they began to eat more sugar and fat-laden carbs etc. These addiction transfers are all too common.

I also shared with the man that we who have had bariatric surgery don’t tolerate alcohol very well. I used to have a good head for drinking. Now, it goes right into my bloodstream and I’m muddled from less than a single glass of wine, so I’m careful about when/if/how much I might imbibe.

Anyway, I hope the info is helpful. I know that I connected with the message of the man’s essay in a big way. I woke up early this morning – 6:00 a.m. — to a day where the wind finally laid down. By 6:15, I was on my bike, pedaling toward the beach. It was a beautiful morning. I could see the sun breaking on the horizon meanwhile, over my shoulder, the almost-full moon still glowed bright. Amazing.

A little earlier tonight, I called a dear friend of mine who had weight loss surgery about a year ago. She had both her knees replaced in June. Like me, her life, health and ability have dramatically improved. We talked for quite some time about a lot of things, but one thing kept resonating. We talked about the possibilities we have in our lives today. Honestly, we both know how, before we had the surgery, it was so hard to envision that our lives could change so much — and so much for the better.

When I was at my lowest point, I could scarcely wrap my brain around the possibilities. I couldn’t bring myself to really believe that it could happen, let alone that it would. It was honestly hard to hope. Now, activities and adventures that super obesity had rendered near-impossible are not only possible, I actually do them! I used to spend a lot of time stressing and worrying about so many things. Some I automatically discounted, so sure was I that my weight or diminished physical strength stood in my way. Others I feared even trying.

I live, work and play in an entirely different world now. Nothing is impossible. It’s no longer a matter of whether I can, I know I can. Living life unlimited is amazing.

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