Weighty Matters

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The Birthday Cake Whine

It’s my birthday today.  I have felt the love of family and friends – those of blood, those of choice, long time, newish, work family – they have all surrounded me with good wishes in person, on Facebook, via text message or phone calls.  Truly lovely and amazing to have so many wonderful people care to wish me happiness on this day.

I am honestly humbled and grateful and feel so blessed.

Why then did I title this post the Birthday Cake Whine?  Well, because I guess I’m not a perfect human being and am capable of having a few cranky feelings amid the joy.  I thought about not writing this post, but then ignoring my feelings because I’m castigating myself for being bitchy felt inauthentic and not in keeping with the spirit and intent of this blog.   So here goes.

Nobody got me a birthday cake at the office.  We usually do this and then people from other departments come over to sing and share.  For whatever reason, this didn’t happen today.  It didn’t happen the last couple of years.  I think sometimes someone just doesn’t think of it, however, other times I know that it’s been discussed and decided that I probably didn’t want a cake because I was either trying to lose weight or was eating healthier or maybe shouldn’t eat cake or some other reason unbeknownst to me.

So now I feel bad if people didn’t get cake because they thought they were doing what I’d want.

Here’s the thing.  This taps into my little girl feelings of wanting to be normal — just like everybody else — but feeling different because of my weight struggles and eating disorder.  I feel like somebody else is making the decision about what I should or shouldn’t eat.  I don’t actually know if that’s what went on, but I hate even thinking that it might have.

Look, to be as objective and honest as possible, a lot of people weren’t there today.  The ones that were in the office were incredibly busy — myself included.  I’m happy that even some of them were able to join us for lunch and they got me an adorable, fun card, too.  So, I need to step off the self-pity bus and not be so whiny over a dessert.

Besides, it’s not like I didn’t have cake.  I stopped at the cupcake bakery on the way home, got my variety variety — a salted chocolate cupcake — and ate it for dinner.  Remember when I talked about being abstinent in the behavior of not eating compulsively?  This wasn’t a compulsive purchase and consumption.  In anticipation that the office might once again skip the birthday cake ceremony with me, I decided this morning that a cupcake at dinner would be included and planned for in the day’s food choices.  So, I did not eat that cupcake compulsively.  Booyah for me!

I’ll be over this feeling sorry for myself in a little bit.  In fact, I’m going to go back and reread all of the wonderful, loving, enthusiastic birthday wishes and once more be truly appreciative and grateful.

Maybe someone else controlled whether I had a birthday cake at the office, but I control whether to connect my feelings to the dessert.