Weighty Matters

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Believing in Efforts/Avoiding Diet Mentality

Day three of week two without processed grains and refined sugar and I’m still on track.  I’m not preparing every meal suggested in the book’s daily plan but still sticking to the percentages of protein/fat/carbs in every meal.  Physically I feel good.  Emotionally, the mood variations have settled down.  Mentally and emotionally, I’m happy.  It is a great boost to commit to a plan and honor that commitment every day.  Success breeds success.  I do this a day at a time, but each day that I stick to it becomes a building block in the foundation that supports more long term recovery.

I was never ever willing to abstain for a long time from breads, pastas, white potatoes, white flour products and sugar.   Even though there were many times that I followed extremely restrictive diets that removed all of those foods – or in one case ALL food period – I always hated doing so.  (Yes, I once went six months surviving on a godawful tasting liquid protein with weekly trips to NYC for medical monitoring.)  I felt freakish about my inability to sustain long term weight loss, and resentful that I could not eat like a “normal” person.  When I first discovered that I have an eating disorder and found the OA program, I thoroughly resented my past history of fad, harsh diets.  So, I rebelled from doing anything that reminded me of any old plans.

I don’t know why it feels different to me this time around and why I’m willing.  It could be as simple as the fact that while I gave up the “white” products, I’m still allowed colorful, tasty fruits and veggies of all kinds plus the higher fat content products.  Oh, and that wonderful treat of dark chocolate means a lot.  However, I think there is a more involved evolution at play.  Although I have not yet lost all of the weight that I would like to, the last four years have taught and shown me something about myself.  I am maintaining a significant weight loss and have for four years.  This is something that I have never been able to do for myself in the past.  I always yo-yoed up and down the scale.  I could diet like a fiend on specific plans and lose a great deal of weight, but I always always always put it back on, usually with extra pounds on top.  That’s how I gradually grew to close to 400 pounds.

Knowing, acknowledging how much I have changed, learned, and accomplished with regards to my weight and health creates a belief in myself that I’ve always lacked.  Sure, in the past I always hoped that each time would be the magic effort that worked.  However, at heart I don’t think I really believed that my efforts would result in long term success.  My relationship with myself and with food has changed so much and for the better.  I no longer have any interest in atrocious fast foods and willingly cook with more fresh produce in healthier ways.

I love the positive changes in my body and my physical fitness.  It feels great to move, to see the muscle definition, experience my strength.

Most importantly, I believe that I will continue to be successful.  That I will continue to improve my physical health.  I’m committed to maintaining the new, healthier me.

These changes make it not such a big deal to give up more specific foods.  I’m not saying that I’ll never eat pasta or bread again, but I know for sure that I don’t need them in my every day diet.  Giving them up doesn’t feel like I’m sacrificing.  I’m not experiencing the resentful, “I can’t have it” feelings.  It feels like a positive, okay choice for today.

 

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Self-Doubt

I’m a little disappointed in my mindset over the last couple of days.  For some reason, self-doubts are creeping in every once in a while.

Self-doubt and low confidence in my abilities used to be regular visitors.  To be completely honest, they were ever-present — unwelcome squatters who staked out territory in my head and heart and were determined to get in my way.  No matter what my aim, objective or task, I had to find a way to work around these interlopers and their barriers.

After my first foray into therapy and OA, I gradually succeeded in evicting the trespassers.  In recent years, they’ve attempted to take up space again only on rare occasions.  So the fact that they’re coming around a little more frequently these days is not only inconvenient, but also a little worrisome.

I have a lot on my plate – figuratively speaking.  I’m super busy at work as well as with some extra-curricular responsibilities.  When I’m already in a time crunch, the last thing that I need is to have to take more time to boot out an unwelcome guest like self-doubt.

That whole “super busy” state may have something to do with it.  I feel a little overwhelmed.  I’m going on vacation soon, which is great.  I’m not going to be constantly connected to my email, phone and computer either.  That’s also great and unusual for me.  While I’m looking forward to “going off the grid”, it’s possible that it’s causing me a smidgeon of anxiety too.

There’s also a little chicken-or-the-egg conflict happening.  I’ve been a bit sloppy with my food plan and also not exercising at my accustomed level.  Those things could be opening the door to the reduced confidence and increased self-doubt, or they could be the result.

Whatever the case, I am not pleased.  I do not want to let the negative feelings chip away at the strong foundation I’ve worked so hard to build over the last three years.  Here’s one example.  On my upcoming trip, I have another opportunity to go zip lining.  If you were a blog reader here a couple of years ago, you may remember how zip lining in Hawaii was on my Promise List.  I absolutely LOVED the experience and took it on, believing I could handle the challenge.

Right now, I’m reading the adventure description and feeling a little unsure.  I’m questioning whether, physically, I’m up to the experience.  Quite simply, that’s b.s.  Of course I can.  Just because I’ve been a little off in my fitness routine doesn’t mean that my strength has dissolved.

I can do this.  Those pesky interlopers can only make me doubt my ability if I listen to them.

No matter what the challenge or goal, I have every tool.  Right now I’m pulling out a mental hammer and posting the “No Trespassing” sign.

Self-doubt, move along.  There’s no room for you here in my life.

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