eating healthy | Weighty Matters

Food Calling

by Mary Stella

Where did December go? I sort of saw the days fly by but I was so darned busy I couldn’t latch on for the trip. In addition to being ultra busy with work, I also managed a week’s vacation up to the Northeast for my annual holiday time with family and friends. I wish I could say that I also maintained my good eating habits while I was away, but I don’t want to lie, particularly not on my own blog. Holiday cookies might as well be crack. That’s how addictive they are for me.

Emotionally, I had a wonderful time away. I love spending time with so many people whom I deeply love but whom I don’t get to see so often. Physically, between the cookie binges and not working out for a week, I ended up feeling pretty crappy by the time I was on my way back to Florida this past Sunday.

I think it’s a good thing that stubbornness is part of my DNA and mental makeup. I refuse to give up on myself. I immediately began eating more cleanly, sticking to my plan, and even drinking more water. Yesterday morning, I was on a rower at 7 a.m. It’s only been two days and I already feel better. I always try to remember that each day is the opportunity for a new beginning. I don’t have to repeat bad behavior. I can always choose differently.

My boss and friend and have shared a couple of discussions about this the last two days. At some point yesterday I said that it isn’t really about the food for me. It’s about my behavior with food. Apparently that stuck with her and she’s been looking at, or raising her awareness of her behavior too. We talked some more today about what it feels like to have an eating disorder and why, when we know our goals and our desire to follow out plan and eat responsibly, we go off track. “It’s like there is an alien being in my head sometimes,” I said. “The alien takes over and I grab at food that I don’t want because the alien being wants it.”

The alien being is my eating disorder, of course.

She then, sort of plaintively, wondered why only the bad foods call to her. “If I have the food around, it screams my name,” she said. “Why don’t the good foods ever call me?”

That lead to more discussion about behavior and thinking about how we can set ourselves up for success. I’m glad we had that talk because it put it all in the front of my mind and helped me later on. Every year I end up shipping home a box with the gifts I’ve received. The box arrived today and in it was a package of white chocolate and dark chocolate mixed with peppermint. I unpacked the box, looked at the candy and thought, “No problem. I’ll just have a nibble now and then put the rest in the refrigerator. I’ll be okay. I can control this.”

I honestly don’t know if that’s my ego talking or my misguided illusions. I broke off a piece and ate it so fast that it barely registered. I did go so far as to stick the rest in the fridge, but I also went back to the fridge to eat another piece of chocolate.

That simply would not do! I knew that my eating disorder wouldn’t stop thinking about that chocolate until I’d returned again and again and, eventually ate it all. I had a choice to make and, this time, I made the healthy choice. I grabbed the box from the fridge and marched it to the outside trash cans. Bingo — One large chocolate bar rendered unable to tempt me any more.

I texted the tale to my boss. She texted back, “Well played.”

The chocolate called to me, but it got the wrong number.

Body Matters General Musings The Past is the Past

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Post-Thanksgiving Post

by Mary Stella

Yesterday was a curious day for me but, ultimately, a successful one for which I am very grateful. I did not have any plans to share a holiday meal with any friends. A funny thing happens down here. I think my different groups of friends assume that one of the other groups or couples have invited me to spend the holiday with them. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen this year. One friend did invite me last minute to come for dessert later in the day. Another friend/co-worker was in the same situation and we sort of half-heartedly said that if we had the energy or desire mid-day to go out to a movie together, we’d get in touch. Neither of us did.

For about a week ahead of yesterday, I veered between feeling sorry for myself/lonely/resentful and being completely okay with the circumstances. While I would have liked to be in a group of friends for the human contact and camaraderie, I really, really, really didn’t want the day to be about feasting and overeating. Then again, I did experience some yearning for turkey, some of my favorite side dishes and the like. I just worried over whether the emotions would send me into binge mode.

It was a dilemma for sure, but I approached it with a healthy mindset. From the time I woke up, I was determined that I was going to make this a healthy day for myself. I started out by taking Natty for a longer walk than usual. The weather is gorgeous right now — sunny but cooler — and he and I both enjoyed ourselves. Throughout the day, in between doing other things and watching football, I also did other exercises. I worked out a little with light weights and also did some situps, pushups and planks. At another time, I did a full set of Tai Chi. (By the way, since the rowing gym is closed through the weekend, I did rowing classes Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week.)

Our holiday meals always began with a fresh fruit cup. (No, none of that canned stuff. Everything fresh!) I didn’t go full tilt with the full array of fruits Mom and I used to combine, but I cut up an orange, an apple and half of a banana and had it as a snack at lunch along with a small salad.

Not knowing whether I’d end up at an afternoon movie, I had shopped to make myself a healthy but delicious Thanksgiving dinner. I bought turkey thighs, a rutabaga, and yes some boxed stuffing.

Mashed rutabaga aka yellow turnip to some, is my favorite side dish. It was a staple on our family Thanksgiving table. Here’s the good news – it is a cruciferous vegetable, nutritious and delicious. Although I put a little butter in it when mashing, I don’t overdo and I used skim milk. This was, for me, a better choice than mashed potatoes. I feel it also helped counter balance a little bit of stuffing.

Once it was determined that I was staying home, I really enjoyed preparing my meal. I chopped up fresh herbs from my little garden to season the turkey and added chicken stock that I’d made and frozen to keep the meat moist while it roasted. This also made for a delicious gravy after the fact. I used more of the chicken stock in the stuffing, too.

When dinner was ready, I very carefully took appropriate portions instead of overloading my plate. Even with the restricted stomach, if I put too much food on the plate at the outset, I tend to eat too much and then I feel sick and uncomfortable. This ruins my enjoyment physically and emotionally. I am really concentrating on continuing to train my eyes and my serving utensils to put the amounts I should eat… not what I would have eaten in years gone by.

I sat down and savored what I’d made for myself. It was delicious and balanced. I felt really good about how I’d planned and executed my holiday meal.

Now what about dessert, you might be wondering. Yes, I’d put some thought into that as well. I hate feeling deprived of dessert. Emotionally, it’s unhealthy for me to feel deprived and often leads to me wanting more and then bingeing. Last week, I researched and found a recipe for Pumpkin Souffle. Very easy to make with a can of canned pumpkin, evaporated milk, two eggs and half a cup of sugar in the entire thing. I counted up the calories. Per serving, my souffle had only 180 calories. As far as desserts go, this was a winner that I could absolutely fit into my meal plan.

I waited until my main entree settled a bit and then spooned out an appropriate serving and thoroughly enjoyed it.

All told, for me the holiday was a food win. I feel really terrific about how sanely and carefully I planned, cooked and consumed my meal. I’m also pretty darned please with the physical activity that I included in my day. I took care of myself.

The result is that today I am not suffering from a food or binge hangover. I feel good about myself and my recovery and am looking forward to building on this today. I took the day off from work and have some fun activities planned. I started with a healthy protein smoothie for breakfast. Now Natty and I are going out for a walk.

I hope you all had a great day and are enjoying your Fridays.

Body Matters General Musings NSVs The Past is the Past

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Eating Choices Rant

by Mary Stella

Yesterday in between my bike ride and my snorkel trip, I watched Food Network for a while. I’ve said before that I’m mildly addicted to watching cooking shows. Some would wonder if this is a good idea for me to so often watch shows that focus on food. I wonder that sometimes myself. However, in my defense, I think that I’ve learned more about preparing good, healthy food of greater variety from watching than I would have otherwise. I think I’m also discerning enough to know when a recipe is something that would be good for me to try or a meal I should stay far, far away from.

I have noticed that most of the shows aren’t focused on cooking healthy. The chefs like their butter, oil, heavy cream and frying. Nothing goes unsalted. It’s all about building flavors, unctuous mouth feel, velvety sauces (more cream and butter), and so on. Seriously, I get this. Gastronomes R Us.

So what’s my takeaway as someone who is on a quest to lose weight and change my eating lifestyle from totally unhealthy to healthier? Well, amid the butter/cream/frying/salting are the wonderful nuggets of information and technique that teach me how to build flavor into my food in ways that don’t require the extra calories.

And, often enough, I find a show where someone does something really cool and tasty with a new vegetable or demonstrates a completely different dish in a way that makes me realize that it wouldn’t be all that difficult for me to try. There are a few simple truths. If healthy food doesn’t taste good, nobody wants to eat it. Good food can still be healthy.

I love watching Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa. On her show, she makes the most wonderful dishes look like they’re easy to prepare. I won’t pretend that everything she produces on her show falls in the healthy category, but every once in a while she scores for me. Yesterday, she made kale chips. Kale chips! Easy as anything to do and so tasty. Since I have lacinato (aka dinosaur) kale in my fridge, this was an easy dish to replicate for lunch. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spread out a few whole kale leaves on a pan. Brush lightly with olive oil and sprinkle with a little salt and ground black pepper. Bake for about ten minutes until crisping up. Sprinkle with a little parmesan and return to oven until cheese melts.

Kale is a healthy, leafy, dark green vegetable. Olive oil is a healthier fat. There wasn’t enough oil used to be bad either. Same thing with the salt and cheese. It was a very tasty snack and, since I had a late lunch, more than enough. Thank you, Barefoot Contessa.

While I was munching on my crispy kale, Guy Fieri’s Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives aired on Food Network. I heard that one of the restaurants he would visit is in my home area up in South Jersey so, of course, I was interested. This restaurant must have opened since I moved down to Florida because I’d never heard of it. While Guy and I watched, the owner prepared a Pork Belly Reuben sandwich. (Disclaimer: I love a good, traditional Reuben. I don’t eat them very often and when I do, I end up having it over at least two meals because they’re huge. This helps me keep from feeling guilty over eating them at all.)

(Further disclaimer: I’ve had pork belly sandwiches (aka porchetta) before, too. They can be very good.)

Today’s show, however, totally grossed me out. Pork belly is very fatty. Ok, so is bacon, but at least it’s crisp fat on bacon and you’re eating it in mostly thin slices. For this sandwich, the chef cut off four thick — 3/4 of an inch thick at the very minimum — slices of cooked pork belly and grilled them on a flat top. The camera zoomed in on the meat. I swear there was a border of uncrisp fat on each slice that was the width of one of my fingernails.

He also slathered butter on the bread and slapped that down to grill. I think he grilled the kraut too. He then assembled the sandwich with the fatty bread, melted cheese, grilled kraut, and the thick slices of fatty meat and served it up.

As Guy was eating it, he made a reference to the sandwich requiring a health certificate. I looked at the sandwich and thought, “Heart attack on a plate.” I wondered how the hell Guy or anybody could eat it; how anybody could want to. Then I had a flashback. I used to be the person who would not only want to, but would devour it in a single meal with a big side of fries, too, please. The same person who would order a Quarterpounder with cheese, large fries, giant soda and a couple of apple pies.

I’m not judging. I’m just inexplicably angry right now. I’m angry that I spent a lot of years eating like that. I remember when the first McDs opened in our area. We thought it was fascinating to see burgers coming down a conveyor belt. Same thing with KFC. Chicken as the delivery system for eleven deep fried herbs and spices. I’m royally pissed off for all of the times I binged on overloaded foods of any type and washed them don by guzzling corn syrup-sweetened soda.

My brother went off to college and came back for the holidays with a greater awareness of food and healthy eating. He gave up eating meat when he was 18. (He eats seafood, eggs and dairy products but all in moderation.) He chose to prepare meals with more vegetables, lower fat, greater variety. He loves ice cream but never overindulges. I don’t think he puts melted butter on his popcorn.

I wish I’d done the same. I wish that the effort for me to eat healthier choices in healthier ways without overindulging and being compulsive wasn’t such a damned struggle all the freaking time. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. If wishes were pounds lost, I’d be lower than goal weight.

I can’t get there by wishing. It takes work, effort. It takes the damned struggle. It takes not giving up. Even when you follow a great day by a not-so-stellar day. It takes being willing to put the non-stellar days behind you and recommit that the next choice will be a healthy one.

It takes ignoring the unhealthy-for-me food that might taste decadent and delicious like a pork belly reuben, and enjoying the flavor, texture and crunch of a kale chip.

It means making this happen for me. Every day.

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As you were reading this post did it seem like I switched topics along the way and that the post did not wind up where you thought it might be going in the beginning.

Yeah, me, too.

This is a great example of why I do this blog. The writing process puts me in touch with things that I might not even be aware that I’m feeling because they’re buried. I had no idea that when I started writing today I would end up tapping into some deep resentment and anger, but that’s what happened, so I went with it. To go back and rework the post from the beginning feels like it would be less-than-authentic, so I left it as was.

Body Matters General Musings

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Foods Previously Untried

by Mary Stella

We had our bi-weekly delivery of organic produce arrive at work today. My share had plums, pears, apples, bananas, spaghetti squash, grape tomatoes, green and red bell peppers, lacinato kale, yams and broccoleaf.

I’ve never heard of broccoleaf, but it’s exactly what it sounds like – the leaf of the broccoli plant. It is touted as a superfood. Here’s some of what I read when I Googled it:

One Broccoleaf serving provides 100% of your daily value requirement for vitamin C, essential for immune health during this cold and flu season and tasty green provides more calcium than a serving of Kale.
BroccoLeafs are also an excellent source of vitamins A for healthy skin and vitamin D for mood and bone health.
Like all members of the Brassica family (cruciferous vegetables), the Broccoleaf is a powerful anti-cancer food.

Uses include throwing some in a smoothie, adding it to soup, using it for a wrap, making a sort of egg-cheese-veggie casserole or, to cut to the chase, pretty much using it any way that I might use kale or baby spinach. I’m pretty excited to check it out tomorrow and in the days ahead.

Until a couple of years ago, I don’t think I ever knowingly ate kale. I purposely avoided spinach, unless it was in a mayonnaise-laden dip, and would not have spent any amount of time musing other possible uses for a large, leafy green. My how times have changed.

I was out to dinner with friends on Saturday night. Went to a restaurant that had a lovely selection of “small plate” menu items. I chose a dish that featured pork belly with manchego grits and fried green tomatoes. Normally, I would not even have tasted the tomatoes. Tomatoes and I have a strange relationship. I really don’t like them raw — unless they’re chopped up and seasoned in salsa. I love tomato sauce and stewed tomatoes, but that’s where my affection ended. Or so I always thought. I looked at my plate, tasted the excellent pork and cheese grits and then thought, “Oh give it a shot.” I cut into the tomato slice, tasted it and said, “Yum.”

Since having weight loss surgery and embarking on the whole effort to eat healthier, I’ve been more willing to try foods I previously avoided or ignored. Some, like baby spinach, kale, and beets have greatly surprised me. I not only like them, I look for ways to incorporate them into my eating. Others, like any kind of fish, I’ve really tried to like, but have not been successful at cultivating any enjoyment from tasting or eating. You win some; you lose some.

On the flip side, there are some foods that I ate all of the time, that I craved, that the smell of alone could nearly cause me to salivate. Nowadays, I can’t stomach them. They hold no appeal. Any fast food restaurant hamburger, for example.

Food become sort of an adventure along the way. I like thinking about it in constructive ways, such as how will I prepare these healthy, vegetables to make delicious dishes? This is much better for me than the old destructive pattern of just seeing food as something that I wanted/needed/craved all of the time.

Right now I’m contemplating how I can turn the grape tomatoes and green pepper into some sort of fresh sauce to go over the spaghetti squash. I love to search food sites and just type in potential ingredients to see what comes up.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love a lot of less-than-healthy foods. I can very easily binge on chocolate, cookies, okay, almost any dessert. Sadly, I still need to work on that whole “moderation” thing. However, I keep trying to expand my food horizon by being willing to at least try things I wouldn’t eat or try before.

How about you? Share with us about a food that’s a recent discovery for you!

General Musings

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Carb Envy

by Mary Stella

I have a serious case of carbohydrate envy today. I will stop short of claiming that I am physically jonesing for carbohydrates. There’s enough clarity in my brain to recognize that this is an emotional or mental desire versus a physical craving. Although I am largely having a good day food-wise, I’m just a titch whiny about the fact that eating carbohydrates stalls my progress. Friends on the picnic table outside of my office split a sandwich for lunch. Although my edamame salad and mozzarella cheese lunch was perfectly tasty and even though the soybeans have carbohydrates, I got downright wistful, wishing for a bit of a sammie instead. Last week, I caught the aroma of toasting bread and it sent (scent? ha) the desire for it into my system. I wanted to smell it again, right before crunching into it with a nice bite.

About half an hour ago, someone heated up leftover pizza in the office kitchen. The atmosphere was perfumed with robust garlic. It smelled like garlic bread cooking which, to someone like me who loves garlic and is half-Sicilian, is the equivalent of lighting up a joint in front of a marijuana junkie. How much would I have paid for a thick slice of crusty garlic bread right at that moment? A lot!

I can be such a brat-baby sometimes about this whole eating healthy process. At least I realize it which makes the behavior slightly more tolerable to me. I also keep it to myself most of the time. It’s not like I stomp around the office saying, “I want bread. Whaah! Why can’t I eat an English Muffin? *mumblecussmumble*. It’s not fair that everybody else can eat carbs but I can’t. Whaah. Whaah. Whaah.” No, lucky you, I just wait until I blog about it here.

Look, this too shall pass. I know it. I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself right in the moment. Instead of falling off of the wagon and mugging a tourist for their potato chips, I’m munching on my healthy, non-carb, afternoon snack. I’ll remind myself that I made a positive choice and do my best to kick the carb envy to the curb.

Body Matters General Musings

Feeling It

by Mary Stella

When I lived in a state of morbid obesity or super obesity, I only felt the ill effects of too much eating, or of eating too much crappy food after a binge. It really took stuffing myself with massive quantities of food for my body to complain. My spirit, my head, my emotions suffered, but I was so physically conditioned to eating a lot that lesser amounts didn’t make an impact. Even if my lesser amounts would have caused gastric distress in a “normal-sized” person, they didn’t register.

Now that I’ve lost more than 180 pounds, my body is much more sensitive and aware. This is beyond my surgically altered stomach. I’m not talking about how packing too much food in at one time triggers me to throw it back up. I truly notice physical reactions if I eat too much in a given day — even spread out over several meals — or if I indulge too often in crappy or not-as-healthy-for-me food.

This past week was a perfect example of this new awareness. As I’ve shared, I was incredibly busy at work with three days of media filming that required longer days, largely spent outside. My schedule of eating was thrown off and it was more challenging for me to find time to sit down and eat one of my normally healthy meals. Add in the stress and, let’s face it, I ate more crappy food than I usually would in a month. Ok, ok, the occasional small serving of french fries alone wouldn’t kill me, but when combined with other food items that have too much salt, too much fat, or too many carbs over a few days, my body sent clear messages. Eat crap = feel crappy. I bloated, I ached, I felt sluggish so I had to work harder to muster the energy I needed for the job. I’m sure this all made me feel even more tired at night. Overall, I was just off.

Sorting through all of this, crystallizing the realization, and processing the experience helped me take action to feel better. I ate unhealthy for so many years. Now that I’ve made it a practice to make healthy choices — not only in quantity and selection but in the quality of the food selections, I know how much better healthy feels.

Yesterday and today I’ve consumed mostly vegetables, fruits, and yogurt while also raising my hydration level. I haven’t had overly processed foods, nor anything that salty. It’s amazing to me how much better I feel, and in how short a time. I just took the dogs out for a long walk and felt really connected to my energy again. Honestly, I could have gone longer but Pyxi is still building back up after her mild injury. I may pop in an exercise DVD just for the hell of it.

I’m psyched that I’m more in touch with how and what I eat affects me. I’ll take it as another sign of my ever developing recovery. I like that, for the first time in my life, I’m aware of my body’s signals rather than being numb and oblivious.

Body Matters My Progress NSVs The Past is the Past

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