I haven’t been away from the blog because I’ve been sulking about my relapse. The day after I last posted I started on a whirlwind including a work-week away in Washington, D.C. for business. It’s been crazy, that’s for sure.
I haven’t had a lot of time to myself but what little I’ve had, i used to really think about what I’m doing, what I’m not doing, and what I need to do. I conducted a personal inventory and considered different approaches to get me out of relapse and back on the road of recovery.
Half measures avail me nothing. I can’t pretend that if I just do the program mostly right I’ll be okay. Not now. Maybe not ever.
So, I retook the first step, which in the 12 Steps means that I admit I’m powerless over food and my eating disorder and that my life has become unmanageable. To someone who isn’t familiar with the steps, powerless and unmanageable might seem dramatic, but I know what I’m feeling and experiencing and they are very real.
I also know how crappy my body feels inside and out. You know, I never used to know the difference because for decades I always ate huge quantities of poor quality food and that’s what was familiar. Then, after weight loss surgery I had a couple of years where I ate really high quality food and my system got to know how great that felt. So, now that I’ve been eating less quality and more junk, I feel it in my sluggish system and lower energy. Plus there’s the extra pounds I regained. Not a lot in the grand scheme of things, but enough that I feel them in my waistbands and see them in the mirror.
I am geared up and prepared to retake all of the steps and go to every length to regain recovery. Right now, I don’t think this is something I can ease into, so I’ve decided to start off super strict – lean, green and clean.
Vegetables, fruits, beans, legumes, leaner proteins more often than red meat, less fatty cheese that I like to pretend is a protein, no fried foods. Saying goodbye to a slice of toast here and there, a bagel, a potato and pasta.
I’m cutting out candy – even the one or two little bites that, in themselves, aren’t enough to mess me up, but that can lead me to the craving for more and more. I’m cutting out processed dessert items – cookies, cake, pie, ice cream. If it isn’t something that grew and was picked – as in fruit – I’m not eating it.
Look, I know that all of the above mentioned foods are okay in moderation, but right now holding myself to moderation is the issue. Believe it or not, it’s an easier choice to just say no.
I have a lot of tasty tools to help me. There’s the aforementioned fresh fruits and vegetables. I have good quality protein powders to mix up in smoothies.
I also have the knowledge. I’ve learned so much in the last three plus years and all of this will help.
For today, I have the willingness. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have the willingness again. A day or two from now when I’m craving something fried or want a sweet chunk of chocolate, I hope that the willingness and desire for recovery will be strong enough to battle the cravings and the possible bitchiness I’ll no doubt experience.
Yes, that’s a side effect. Even when I rationally know that I’m doing the best, healthy things for myself, I can still get bitchy about the whole thing. That’s the mean that I referred to in the post’s title.
My program books will be at my bedside, helping me work on the spiritual and emotional aspects of recovery.
Before I sat down to write this post, I prepared and packaged my food for tomorrow. The fight for my own recovery is on, my friends. I’m locked and loaded.
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Rant Alert:
Has anyone else seen the television ads for the “Mixify” initiative? Apparently Coca Cola, Dr. Pepper and Pepsi are reaching out to our country’s youth to help them learn how to balance what they eat and drink with their activity level. The cynical part of me says that they want people to exercise more so that they can keep drinking soda. The less-cynical part of me says that achieving that balance is important and if the ad helps young people do this, then who cares who’s delivering the message?
The cynical part of me just looked at the other part and said, “Yeah, right.”
What really gets me about the television ad is the actress doing the voiceover. To my ear, she sounds a great deal like First Lady Michele Obama. Since her husband took office as president, Mrs. Obama has campaigned to fight childhood obesity, increase children’s activity, and help everyone develop better, healthier eating habits.
I can’t help but believe that the beverage companies’ ad agency deliberately tried to link the Mixify campaign to Mrs. Obama. They probably went through dozens of auditions before they found someone with a similar voice.
Honestly, I don’t know why, but the commercial annoys me every time I hear it.
Weighty Matters 