Weighty Matters

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Oct 22

The Impulse to Eat

by Mary Stella

It’s 9 p.m. on the first day of my seven day reboot and I’ve had a good day. I stuck to the plan and did not deviate with compulsive eating. Protein smoothies, yummy organic soups, a sugar free cherry ice. Everything was delicious but to quote a saying from OA, nothing tastes as good as abstinence feels. I also enjoyed some green tea and kept hydrated with water throughout the day.

I picked up the pups from the boarding facility after work and spent time playing with them at home. After feeding them, it was still such a lovely evening that I set out for a bike ride. I logged between eight and nine miles. All told, right now I feel pretty good for the day.

Do any of you use the MyFitnessPal app? I hadn’t logged my food for awhile and recently downloaded an update. Love the improvements! I am particularly fond of the scanner that reads the bar code on products and gives me the nutritional data. So much more convenient than having to input the numbers myself or scroll through the database.

Even though I had a successful day, I won’t say that sticking to my abstinence and plan was a slam dunk. I was very aware of how easily the impulse to eat catches my attention. For example, someone left the rest of a bag of granola in the kitchen in the “If it’s here, it’s up for grabs” location. I went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, saw the bag of granola and reached for it. My response was that automatic. Thankfully, I stopped myself, got the hot water I wanted, and left the room.

I don’t know how many times throughout the day that I get food impulses, but I know it happens a lot. It sort of sucks, to be honest. Part of the struggle is armoring myself against the thoughts. These aren’t the same things as physical urges I used to experience when I was in the process of quitting smoking. I wish they were. One of the most effective pieces of information I gained during the smoking cessation programs was that there is a timeline to the physical urge for nicotine. More importantly, that urge will pass whether or not you smoke. The whole arc lasts about 10 minutes, but if you make it through the peak when the urge is strongest, the desire will ease. (Side note: I’m approaching my 27th anniversary of quitting smoking. Booyah!)

Unfortunately, the food obsession doesn’t behave in the same way, so I work on other methods like redirecting my attention, distracting myself with another activity, substituting something else like a drink of water or tea, or just trying to ignore the urges. The practice of just saying no also comes into play.

Today, I was successful. I hope that success breeds more success. It might happen one impulse at a time to build one day at a time, but I’m ready to give it all my best shot again tomorrow.

General Musings My Progress The Past is the Past

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Oct 21

Putting Myself Under a Microscope

by Mary Stella

Sorry if it looked liked I dropped off the face of the Earth. I was away for a family wedding and, for some reason, it felt like I shouldn’t post publically that I was going to be away from home. I had a wonderful time seeing my aunt and cousins for a happy event. The last two times we were together were for my uncle’s memorial and then my cousin’s. This was the wedding of that cousin’s younger daughter and I was very pleased to be invited and to be able to go.

The family was equally happy to see me. It was fun for them to see me in that new blue dress, 110 pounds thinner than the last time. Not only were we able to spend time with each other at the wedding and reception, but I took today off from work so that I could stay up with them all day yesterday. Good times, for sure.

I did a lot of thinking on the flights up and back. I have some emotional crap going on. It might not be the best time for me to process it here on the blog after a long day of travel. You know how little kids can go-go-go-go-go and then suddenly run out of steam and turn into whining, crying, cranky beasts? That’s how I feel right now. Still, it’s all on my mind so I might as well spew it out.

I think I’ve been fooling myself. Even on the days that I’ve thought I was adhering to my food plan, I think I’m veering off of the mark. I haven’t been as strict and careful as I should be and I’ve ignored that I’ve allowed myself a lot of little variations here and there. Those little missteps add up in more calories and carbs. Even a healthy fruit smoothie, when made wrong, can have too many calories. A small treat that I let myself have every day ceases to be an occasional indulgence and certainly is no longer either small or a treat. It becomes like a big rock on a rail that makes the train jump the track.

Calling it for what it is, I’ve been in denial. Instead of sticking with a plan and eating pattern that would keep me losing, I’ve shifted myself enough to be in maintenance mode. I don’t binge on quantity and keep up enough activity that I don’t gain. At least that’s something.

So, I’m putting myself and my eating under a microscope and getting tough. This is not the time for a gray-area abstinence. I need some black and white reality. On the flight home, I decided to put myself on a one week plan of full liquids — which was pretty much the plan for the two weeks before I had surgery. This means protein drinks, smoothies (but not overloaded with too much fruit!), Greek yogurt, and cream soups and broths. Sugar free gelatin and popsicles. Minimum of 80 ounces of water. That’s all. I can do this and stick to my need to take in some nutrition about every three hours.

I want to be clear that this is not a crash diet to try to lose as many pounds as possible in a week. For me, doing this reestablishes my mental discipline. By strictly defining my options — full liquids — I cut out the opportunity to gray the area or blur the lines.

The plan sounds crazy restrictive, but there is ample flavor variety. I’ll have the full amount of necessary protein but keep the number of carbs low. By not eating outside of my designated “meals” at the right times, I also omit extra snacking. With the right nutritional balance, I’ll also retain my energy levels. By sticking to the plan, each day I also rebuild some mental and emotional strength. Any weight I lose will be a bonus.

I promise to check in each day and let you know how it’s going. It will be helpful for me to have the support too. Please wish me success!

Before I end the post, I want to share a couple of positive things from the weekend that I forgot to mention at the beginning. Yesterday, I dressed in a pair of new jeans – size 16W! Looked pretty darn good in them too, I’m happy to say. Today, when I took my seat on the plane and buckled up, I thought of all of the years that I had to ask the flight attendants for a seatbelt extender. This inspired me to take a photo. I buckled the belt at its biggest to show the gap between my body (in a tan shirt) and that belt. Even knowing how much weight and how many inches I’ve lost, it’s hard to fathom that I’ve gone from not being able to buckle the belt around my body to this:

Airplane seatbelt

Body Matters General Musings

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Oct 3

First World Problems

by Mary Stella

For the last couple of Novembers, I’ve joined in on an effort on Facebook to do 30 days of gratitude. I posted about it here on November 2nd last year. A couple of days ago, two young women with whom I’m friends (Yes, Hope, your twin sisters.) dedicated October to posting about first world problems. I was a little slow on the uptake at first, but then I got it. Lots of things that we react to as problems, living here in America, are really not a big deal when you compare us to people who live in third world countries deal with or don’t have. While I’m not by nature a big complainer, sometimes I do start to feel a little “set upon”, cranky, or put out. If I’m going to be completely honest, some of the things that put me in those moods are pretty darned insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Attitudinally, I can do better than let myself mire in the muck of dissatisfaction. I honestly try to cultivate gratitude as much as possible. I think it’s a graceful state of being, not just in November, but year round.

Going back to the first world problem thing, have you ever looked at a full closet or in a drawer and had trouble choosing something to put on fo the day? That was me this morning. So, my first world problem for the day could be, “So many clothes I can’t decide which to wear.” That’s only a problem in first world countries. In third world countries, many people have only rags to clothe themselves.

Relating to me and my eating disorder struggles: “Food is all around me! It’s so hard to stay on track.” When millions of people are starving in the world, I have a lot of nerve wigging out because I have too many choices. Seriously, Mary. Suck it up. The problem isn’t too many choices. The problem is choosing to eat too many times.

Complaining again about eating right and exercising but the weight not dropping off? For today, I’m even going to think about that being a first world problem. There are countries where the path to good health is not accessible to everyone. At least I always have the ability to eat good, nutritious food and work on my physical fitness to improve my health and well-being. In third world countries, there are many people for whom every minute of the day is a struggle simply to stay alive.

I don’t know if I’m going to join Christina and Allison in posting daily, but I’m grateful they started the exercise and post it on their pages. They’ve made me think.

General Musings

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Sep 25

The Times When It’s Easier

by Mary Stella

By “It” I mean the whole practice of taking smaller portions, eating slower, and feeling the satisfaction. It still surprises me when doing everything right, and by right I mean according to plan, isn’t fraught with anxiety, overthinking and the intermittent metaphorical “white knuckling” to remain abstinent and on track.

Today I attended a chamber of commerce luncheon. Friends saved me a seat at the table and we all went through the buffet line. It’s not like the restaurant presented an overwhelming variety of choices They had spinach salad or make your own Caesar, fresh baked rolls, roasted red potatoes, garlic string beans and roast chicken. Okay, there was a choice with the chicken — leg/thigh or breast/wing. 🙂 The challenge at any buffet or in any meal, is portion control. Even though I know my stomach capacity can’t handle large portions and my weight loss plan bans them anyway, there are plenty of times when my eyes literally are bigger than my stomach. I still often put too big a serving of too many different things on my plate.

At this lunch, I did the opposite and it wasn’t a big, agonizing, stressful thing to do. I also didn’t resent doing it. I took the equivalent of a couple of bites of lettuce and dressed it sparingly. I skipped the roll. The roasted red potatoes were cut in small chunks, so I spooned a few on my plate. One not-too-big tongs-full portion of green beans came next and then a chicken leg/thigh combo.

Really small portions and huge amount of white space left on the plate. I chatted with my friends before the program started, but paid attention to the way that I was consuming my food. When I’m not with others, I often forget to eat as slowly as recommended but this time I was being social so I didn’t chew and swallow too quickly.

Even with smaller amounts to begin with, I didn’t finish everything on my plate. Yet, I had plenty and felt satisfied! On the way out I even thought, “Wow, that was easy.” Then I wondered, “Why can’t I do that all of the time?”

The truth is that I can do it all of the time. I just need to remind myself and be aware at every meal. I think it will help if I also remember that it doesn’t have to be hard or a challenge. Like today, choosing the correct foods in the appropriate amounts can, indeed, be easy.

General Musings My Progress

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Sep 16

Filters and Lenses

by Mary Stella

Something happened at work today that put me in a slight conflict with someone whom I greatly admire and care about. I can’t go into tremendous detail, but when it happened, it triggered my usual reaction when he and I disagree. I feel like, at times, he doesn’t trust me to do my job. At least that’s what his behavior conveys to me.

That said, a very wise woman with whom I also work, who knows about this issue with me, pointed out that when he and I are in conflict, that feeling naturally comes up for me, because I view his behavior through that particular lens. If the same situation developed with someone else, even if it was also a conflict, I would experience a different reaction and feeling because I’d look at it through a different lens.

I got that. I really did. I’m just trying to process it a little more because, even knowing that my viewing lens and filters, might skew my perception of the situation in that moment, it doesn’t make the feelings any less real or upsetting.

Everything resolved, but I feel like tonight I truly need to embrace the lesson and work on this. See, even if in the past he acted like he didn’t trust me to do my job, and that was hurtful, it doesn’t mean that he’s bringing that into every disagreement. I did it with my filters and lens and created the extra turmoil that I’m sitting with tonight. If I do this with him, then there are probably others with whom I have different triggers. I don’t think this is a big, mysterious thing, or that I’m terminally unique. It might even be natural that we bring the old stuff with us into the new. That said, natural doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy behavior. Call me confuddled and confoozled while I try to lay off the dry roasted peanuts.

After work, I drove home and took the dogs out for a walk. I followed the walk up with a 30 minutes bike ride before dinner. The activity cleaned out some of the brain junk. After the meal, I settled in on the recliner. Cuddling the dogs provided much needed soothing, but I also realized that my emotions are bubbling right at the surface. Hence the struggle with the peanuts. I also got downright weepy over Valerie Harper’s bravura attitude on Dancing With the Stars. Seriously. If I cry over someone dancing, it’s a sure sign that I feel sort of rocky.

I’m going to do the best thing for myself and go to bed early. I’m not going to straighten out my old behavior patterns in one night, but at least I can more clearly see the problem. It’s a start.

General Musings

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Sep 11

Doughnuts are Not Medicinal

by Mary Stella

Okay, gang, I’m mildly freaked-out about something. That reads like an oxymoron, but what I really want to impart is that I have a slight nagging concern emotionally, while logically my brain is saying don’t borrow trouble and odds are everything is fine.

Here’s the thing. I went for my mammogram on Monday, as you know, and had a great experience. I figured in a week or so I’d get the “everything’s fine” letter. Instead, I got a call yesterday from my doctor’s office to tell me that the radiologist identified something called a microcalcification cluster on my right breast. I need to go in for a spot compression to provide additional views.

Mentally, rationally, logically, I know that this happens all of the time and the odds are really, really good that this is not a big deal. Emotionally, of course, I’m going, “Oh my God! I might have breast cancer!!” If you drew me into a cartoon yesterday, there would have been giant letters in a horrified font with a dozen exlamation points. Then I took a deep breath and texted my sister-in-law to see if she had a free moment. She’s a nurse practitioner, experienced in women’s health. I explained the situation to her. We agreed that it was way too soon for me to freak out. She promised to do some additional research.

I wasn’t wound up like a tight spring all last night, but it’s a good thing there wasn’t a handy one-pound bag of M&Ms anywhere around. No sense in tempting a compulsive eater with a favorite drug of choice during an emotional time. A good friend reminded me that women really do get called back for further screenings all of the time that end up being nothing malignant. I slept well and this morning, my s-i-l called me back. It seems that most of the time, these microcalcifications really do turn out to be nothing of concern. She told me that after the spot compression, even if they were pretty sure there wasn’t a cause for concern, they might still want me to have a biopsy procedure just to be completely sure.

Having this information prepares me and, in the long run, helps me remain more calm. I’m working toward a state of “don’t borrow trouble, all will be well, no sense worrying until there’s something to worry about”. Honestly, I’m a lot better than I was yesterday.

The thing is, when I hit an emotional upheaval like this, it triggers me to want food. Whether I’m home or out driving in the car, it’s like I still think I need the food to calm myself down. I have to work through the process so that I don’t compulsively eat. That’s when I remind myself that doughnuts are not medicinal. Candy is not a sedative. I do not need cake to soothe me.

Instead, I need to breathe deeply, do some Tai Chi, take the dogs for a walk, sit on the porch, talk to loved ones. Those honestly help me where food is only a false remedy.

I got for my follow up test tomorrow morning and will probably hear on Friday if anything further needs to be done. I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, please say it with me, “Doughnuts are not medicinal.” 🙂

Body Matters General Musings

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