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Nov 27

Positively Healthy

by Mary Stella

I started to write a blog post about this topic last night but I was so tired, that my brain began to shut down. I’d look at a sentence I’d just typed and it was disjointed nonsense. This was a good sign that I needed to shut myself down and go to bed. Much better to start on the topic again today.

All month long, I’ve thought about things that I’m grateful for, and there are a lot of them. Today I’m musing about how good it’s been for me to pay attention to this things, to let myself really feel them and also to take the time to acknowledge them. Just like it has helped me recently to say the words out loud that I choose recovery each day, the daily expressions of gratitude are good for me.

I believe that this fosters a positive attitude. Often the bad things that happen, or the situations that upset us, clamor more loudly for attention. They stay more in the forefront. Dwelling in the negative brings us down mentally, emotionally and, I think, physically. I’d rather live in the house of happy.

It’s good to reinforce a positive attitude and approach. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a cheerleader for ourselves in our own lives. We can set our intention and speak our choices aloud. Will there be days that the best intention of maintaining a positive attitude isn’t strong enough to withstand some crap that might get flung in our general direction? Sure. This is life, after all, which is far from always perfect. However, if we start out by trying to boost the positive, we have a better shot at staying ahead of, or being strong than, the negative.

I know for a fact that if I wake up thinking that the day is going to suck, I’ve set myself up for self-fulfilling prophecy. I’d rather concentrate on manifesting good and let that be the self-fulfilling path for the day. This approach makes me stronger and happier. It leads to greater success with my food plan and exercise commitment, helps me rock my job and other commitments. I’m sure it makes me a better friend and family member and overall just a more pleasant person to be around.

All in all, I feel positively healthy and you can bet I’m grateful for that every single day.

General Musings My Progress NSVs

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Nov 25

Food Diary

by Mary Stella

A long time and many posts ago I shared that dislike keeping a food diary. I recognize that it is an important tool in my recovery but that doesn’t mean I joyfully embrace the practice of logging my food. This is a long standing dislike from way back in the days before there were smart phones with apps where we could input our daily food electronically. Hell, it goes back to the days before personal computers.

I’m not sure why I dislike it now, but I’ve figured out why I was always resistant before. Denial. Putting anything down on paper makes it all black and white. I understand now that a lot of my eating was unconscious. Okay, I wasn’t actually, physically unconscious when I ate, as in eyes closed, lights out. However, in the throes of a binge, I could eat and eat and eat and not be logically, completely aware of the foods. I was completely overwhelmed by the behavior. It was hard, difficult, uncomfortable, and stressful to face the truth.

When I started going to a real therapist in 1991 and she told me I had an eating disorder, it was a big deal. Oh, I should point out here that I’d had the eating disorder for years but didn’t know it. You see, I thought there were only two eating disorders — anorexia and bulimia. Since I wasn’t starving or purging, I was completely in the, “I’m just a weak-willed slob who can’t control her eating” state of mind and emotion.

Anyway, in the early days of our work and my infancy in OA, the therapist helped me structure my abstinence. She told me that I needed to commit to a food plan and every morning I needed to write down what foods I would eat and how much. At that point in time, we focused on adjusting the behavior and not so much on the quantity. This meant that if I wrote down in the morning that I was going to have six pieces of pizza for dinner and that’s what I ate, that was okay. I’d committed and adhered to the abstinence I’d defined. However, if I wrote down that I was going to have two pieces of pizza for dinner and then I ate three or four or five, I was not being abstinent.

Sounds a little wacky, but it worked. It helped. The first few months of doing it this way, going to meetings and continuing with therapy got me on track and in recovery.

I did it, including keeping the food diary, because I wanted to recover and was willing to go to any lengths. Even so, I never grew to love logging my food.

I still don’t like it, but I do it, now using MyFitnessPal as an app on my phone. I’ve discovered an important correlation. When I don’t log my food for a few days, I come close to falling off of the wagon. That alone is enough reason to keep logging.

A couple good friends use MyFitnessPal and we all also have FitBits. We’ve “friended” each other on FitBit so we can see each other’s daily progress, cheer each other on in our physical activity, etc. I don’t use the food diary on that program. These friends each recently sent me invitations to friend them on MyFitnessPal, too. I thought about it and then wrote to each of them. I asked them to please not be offended but MFP is where I log my food and I don’t want to share that diary. It has nothing to do with them, it’s all me not being comfortable putting that info out for anyone to see but me.

I’ve had to do a little soul-searching to see why sharing my food diary is out of my comfort zone. At first I worried that it could be a case of fostering sickness in the secretiveness. Tonight I really pondered and meditated on it and had some strong realizations. I spent many years with other people judging my food and what I ate and their disapproval or worry exacerbated my stress and my shame. At a young age I became a skilled stealth eater. My food diary needs to be a place where I can be completely honest about what I’m eating — even if I don’t have a good day and eat off of my food plan.

I can’t do that if what I log on there can be read by other people. I will incessantly worry about what other people think and how they’ll react to the point where I won’t be honest. If I am not honest on my food diary it ceases to be a viable tool in my recovery.

To be clear, these are not judgmental friends. This is all about my old tapes, previous experiences, and personal issues. That said, it is not possible for me at this time to give up the reluctance and make my food diary readable to anyone but myself. My choice to not share is about me protecting the role that keeping a food diary has in my recovery. I don’t have to like doing it, but I need to keep doing it and I can’t afford to let anything interfere with me maintaining this practice with integrity.

My friends were cool and told me they understood. We’ll continue to encourage each other via FitBit and in person. We’re good.

Body Matters General Musings

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Nov 24

Not Focused on Feasting

by Mary Stella

We’re heading into Thanksgiving week. I’m grateful for so much I’d run short of numbers of I tried to count all of my blessings.

Last year, I don’t remember if I connected with anyone for Thanksgiving. I know that on the day after I started a three day Dr. Oz detox. I worked very hard to not focus on food. I was afraid that I would feel all resentful and deprived because I couldn’t feast like I once had and send myself into a food coma. This year, I am again not focusing on Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity to overeat. I have no plans for a big dinner fest. Instead, a friend and I are going to do something — depending on the weather. Right now I’m hoping for a great boating day.

I was thinking about the family Thanksgiving dinners we had over the years. We were nothing if not generous with the amount of food and variety of dishes that we prepared, put on the table, and then scooped onto our plates. I was just remembering one in particular when my brother came home from college. When he went away to school he became a non-meat eater and committed to a much healthier way of eating that he’s maintained for 42 years. He was pretty opinionated about it when he first came home. I remember him making his own yogurt and granola too. That one Thanksgiving, he looked at the table with the perfectly browned humongous turkey and plethora of side dishes and proclaimed some obnoxious comment about the carbohydrate binge.

You know what? He was right. Accompanying the turkey, we had chestnut stuffing, mashed white potatoes and candied sweet potatoes plus “traditional” green bean casserole complete with the fried onion ring things on top, and mashed rutabagas, which most people considered turnips. I think there was usually a big bowl of homemade cole slaw too and dinner rolls, plus cranberry sauce or cranberry relish. That was all before the pies were served for dessert — pumpkin and apple for sure.

It was all homemade and incredibly delicious! We’d go back for seconds, or even thirds, on our favorites.

If I went to that kind of feast now, even if I took the smallest dab of each of those dishes, I’d be full to the point of it coming back up again before I got past the third choice.

Wow. For the sake of my health and well-being, I am thankful that I am not motivated to eat like that any longer, and that my surgically-altered stomach prevents me from doing so if I’m tempted. However, I’d be lying if I said that I don’t have a few nostalgic yearnings for some of those foods. Without even thinking about it, I’ve come up with a plan.

At the store yesterday, I bought a single rutabaga, a white sweet potato, and some green beans. Over the next week, I’m going to make these and eat them at different meals. I’m also going to buy a small package of chestnuts, roast them and eat them plain without adding them to any bread stuffing.

I never studied the nutritional breakdown of a rutabaga before but I looked it up today. A cup has around 7 grams of carbs and 4 grams of fiber. I know that the sweet potato and chestnuts have significantly more carbs but I’m not planning to overeat on any of them so I am confident that I can work them into a healthy eating plan.

By spreading out these dishes over several days and meals, I can enjoy the flavor favorites of the holidays and not engage in unhealthy gorging. (Gorging is all relative after weight-loss surgery, but you get the idea.) I think that I will savor and enjoy them all the more for choosing to consume them within the guidelines of healthier eating.

General Musings The Past is the Past

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Nov 23

Pushing Through

by Mary Stella

I have to admit that I really needed to dig deep inside to find my motivation today and then push myself to follow through. Not to whine (too much) but I swear that everything hurts more the day after a mishap. I woke up this morning earlier than I needed to because I ached. I took it easy for a little while this morning, debating whether I should go to Tai Chi class. I walked the dogs and, at first, my muscles said, “No, No, No, No, No.”

I pushed myself to walk a little more and gradually my body loosened up. I came home and enjoyed my breakfast smoothie and hot tea and decided to go to class. On my bike.

I’m glad that I did. Sure, some of the moves challenged muscles that were sore, but the repetition slowly warmed and stretched things out and I ended up feeling much stronger than when we began. Strong enough to set out on the bike after class and do some errands. I stopped and bought the fresh cut flowers that I’d promised myself — white hydrangeas — and then cycled over to Office Depot for some envelopes that I needed before heading home. Maybe I didn’t attack the route flat out or rack up as much distance as I did all this week, but I still totaled up 5 miles plus the hour long Tai Chi class. Not bad, considering the aches and soreness.

Came home and took it easy for a few hours which included taking a short nap. Then I drove up for the real treat of the day, the massage. Have I mentioned before that the massage therapist is amazing? My shoulders and arms took the worst of the fall yesterday and she worked on them a lot. She identified a couple of muscles I’ve never heard of, but I could feel the benefits when she got the ones under my scapula to loosen up. When she finished I had better range of motion with less stiffness and pain.

I felt so much better that after a quick bit of grocery shopping I came home and took the dogs out for a long walk. They needed the mental stimulation and we all needed the exercise. I was at only about 6200 steps on my FitBit. The long walk boosted me to more than 9000 steps and I knew I could make up the rest tonight.

Tonight, I still have the residual soreness from the impact and bruising, but it’s so much less than it would have been if I still had the locked up muscles too. Hurrah for the healing touch.

I think it’s a positive sign that I looked for ways to take care of myself after yesterday’s tumble that didn’t involve binge eating. Had I not pushed through, I could easily have sat home, totally focused on the soreness and fallen into the old bad habit of feeding my pain. It feels great to have chosen a different, more beneficial and less destructive, set of behaviors.

Body Matters

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Nov 22

Slightly Damaged but Undeterred

by Mary Stella

It was bound to happen. Sooner or later I was going to take a spill off the bike. That happened this morning.

I’m not seriously hurt, thank goodness. Here’s what happened. I was on the bike by 6:15 this morning, merrily pedaling away on one of my favorite routes down the boulevard to the beach. According to the tracker on MapMyFitness, it is exactly four miles from my house to the end of the beach. I reached the circle/rotary at the end of the road, cycled round and, since I was now heading into the slight wind, pumped the pedals even harder to work up the cardio.

I veered up a driveway to go back onto the bike path but I was going a little too fast to straighten my direction enough. I tried to brake and veer but I had too much momentum. With a strong mental “Uh Oh”, I ran right off the path, through some ornamental tall grasses and then the bike and I tumbled off kilter down a three foot embankment onto someone’s lawn. (Someone who must be a snowbird because their hurricane shutters were still installed and no cars or grills were outside, thank goodness.)

For about 30 seconds, I just lay there on top of my bike waiting to feel any sharp, acute pain. When none stabbed me anywhere on my body, I untangled myself and stood up. Nope, no blood. Another good sign. I had plenty of sticky seed pods stuck on my clothes and sneaks. I picked up the bike and checked it out. Aside from my pretty white metal basket no longer being perfectly straight on all sides, my ride was okay too. I drank some water, took a deep breath, walked the bike back up the embankment and started riding again. I’ll admit I was a little shaken up, so I didn’t push the speed for the four miles home. I felt soreness in my right shoulder, stiffness in my left shoulder blade and a few assorted aches but, all in all, it could have been a helluva lot worse.

Got home and walked the dogs, feeling a bit proud of myself that even with the spill I logged my eight mile morning ride. I then walked in the door, swallowed the prescription-strength equivalent of ibuprofen and decided to spend a little longer amount of time under a hot shower.

I anticipated that I would grow more sore throughout the day. Thankfully, it wasn’t as extreme as I feared, but when I got home I stiffened up. I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner, but once I got home, I dreaded going out again. I took another dose of pain relievers and texted my friend. She completely understood, thank goodness. I hate when practicing self-care disappoints a friend. Still, I was a little down in the dumps. That’s dangerous because when I’m down, junk carbs begin speaking to me. “It won’t hurt. Come on. We’ll make you feel better. Eat us. You’ll be happy.”

Junk carbs lie. Even knowing this doesn’t mean I can always resist the lure.

Then I checked my FitBit and saw that I was only at 8300 steps for the day. It was rainy out and I was stiff and sore, all of which gave me more than enough justifiable reason to call it quits for the day. Darn it all, I wanted my 10,000 steps! Now I was in a full fledged whinefest. (Pity party of one, your table is ready.)

Luckily the rain stopped and I just couldn’t accept not making my step goal for the day so I put on the sneaks, ignoring a few remaining sticky seed pods, leashed the dogs and went out for a short walk before it began to storm again. Now up to 9500 steps, I was sooo close to the goal. I popped in the in-home walking program DVD for the one mile routine. That extra 15 minutes of exercise benefitted me mentally as well as physically. I went over 11,000 steps and, best of all, calmed the carb craving.

Now I’m going to soak in the tub before bed. Since tomorrow is Saturday, I don’t have to get up before dawn to log in my 45 minutes. I can do it any time. If the weather’s okay, I’ll ride my bike to Tai Chi class in the morning and ride around taking care of some other errands. I’ve booked a session with the massage therapist for the afternoon too. I’ll get in my cardio and my 10,000 plus steps before the end of the day and I pledge to stay on my food plan.

I am slightly damaged but definitely undeterred!

Body Matters

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Nov 21

Assessing Hunger after Exercise

by Mary Stella

I woke up a few minutes before 6 a.m. today. Since the day was a bit windier than it had been the previous days this week, I decided to change up my exercise routine and do my in-home walking program. I opted for the brisk 3-Mile program which kept me at a good cardio pace for about 45 minutes, working legs mostly but with arm exercising too. I then took the dogs for a walk before showering and getting ready for work. I made and drank a yummy fruit smoothie with protein powder while I packed my snacks and lunch.

Normally I eat something six times a day. I time the mid-morning snack for 10 a.m. It’s usually something light with protein — a small handful of nuts, a cheese wedge, a little bit of hummus with some veggies. You get the idea. This schedule has worked well since I went back onto food after surgery.

For the last couple of days, I’ve gotten hit by hunger at least 30-45 minutes earlier than my scheduled snack. I couldn’t figure it out and had to do a gut check to make sure that it was legitimate physical hunger and not emotional or mental issues trying to make me think I was hungry. I sat with the feeling for a little bit but all my gut said was, “Yes. You really are hungry. Feed me, now!” I ate my peanuts slowly, literally nut by nut and thought about it some more.

I wondered if the more intense activity in the morning was boosting my hunger intensity. I always thought that exercise decreased hunger. I went online to look at the subject and found conflicting, or at least, confusing ideas and studies. My boss is a runner and used to compete in triathlons. She said that after an intense workout she’d get ravenous.

I’m sort of latching onto one thing I read today. Checking in with myself before I ate was, apparently, a good idea. Our mind can play tricks on us from making us think we’re hungry when we aren’t to telling us that we deserve the reward of more food because we worked out and burned off calories.

When all was said, done, and consumed, at least I did not eat more than I’d planned. I just ate it earlier than the time to which I’m normally accustomed. So, I still had a good recovery day. I decided that even if I might not understand what’s going on with my body and hunger triggers around the early morning exercising, it’s good for me to stay aware. That way, regardless of what triggers the hunger, I won’t compulsively eat in a way that doesn’t follow my plan.

Body Matters

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Nov 20

Setting Goals, Earning Rewards

by Mary Stella

I set short term goals before the weekend ended. Along with pledging to wake up each day and choose to live the day in recovery and adhere to my food plan, I also set workout goals. I changed my wake up time on my clock radio to 6:00 a.m. from 6:45, determined to get up and do at least 45 minutes of exercise each morning before work. I also promised myself that I would rack up a minimum of 10,000 steps each day on my Fitbit. In addition to this, I’m mindful of the need to stay hydrated. I’m aiming for 100 ounces of fluids (water or green tea) per day.

Wednesday is winding down. All three days I’ve met the goal of adhering to my food plan and staying in recovery. I’ve taken long bike rides the last three mornings, pedaling 8 miles, 10 miles and 8 1/2 miles respectively.

Cycling confused my FitBit a little, I think. I put the gadget on my shorts leg so that it counts my pedaling as steps, otherwise I don’t get credit for the exercise. However, even though it adds up the steps, although I doubt it’s 100% accurate, it doesn’t track the miles anywhere close to correctly. If it had a brain it would be puzzled as to how I logged a couple of thousand steps in less than a mile.

Tonight I forgot to move the gadget to my pant leg for Tai Chi class, so I didn’t get an accurate accounting of my steps. This meant that when I got home after class, my daily total was less than 9500 steps! This would never do! I’d set a goal, I tell you. 🙂

I could have taken the dogs for another walk. My neighborhood is safe enough to do so, even after dark. However, several of my neighbors go to bed really early. There are also a lot of other dogs in homes up and down the street. It’s nearly impossible for us to walk around without setting off a chain of barking dogs. In the interest of preserving the peaceful evening, I decided to get those last 500 or so steps at home.

There was a movie on that I wanted to watch, so instead of turning on the in-home walking program DVD, I got creative. At every commercial break, I stood up and walked around or practiced some Tai Chi moves. I even jogged around a little. I also laughed at myself in the process — but I made my 10,000 step goal! Booyah!

I have a large remaining weight loss goal. 45 pounds to go. I am not, however, saying 45 pounds by a certain date. If the last few months of slowwwww creep down the scale is any indication, my body is not making this last push easy. I don’t want to frustrate myself any longer, or risk the emotional disappointment if I say I want to lose XX number of pounds by a particular date and then don’t accomplish it. That kind of numbers game can really mess with my mind and serenity. The most important thing is not how fast I lose it, but that I lose it eventually.

I’m sticking with the daily goals — abstinent with food, 10,000 steps a day (factoring in the equivalent if it’s a bike riding day). This week, I want to get a good push going so I’m sticking with the 45 minutes of cardio for seven days in a row. I think my metabolism needs revving. The combination of goals should help. At least that’s what I hope.

Once could say that the physical benefits are reward enough and they are, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t treat myself with something extra. I like fresh cut flowers. I believe that I will reward myself with a gorgeous bouquet. As soon as my massage therapist returns from her trip, I’m scheduling another massage too. I’m working hard and deserve to treat myself well as a reward.

Are you goal-oriented? Got any that you’re working on that you’d like to share? How do you reward yourself?

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Nov 19

What I Feared

by Mary Stella

In the conversation I had last night with a dear friend, we both talked about resisting weight loss surgery years ago. I remember about five or seven or whenever years ago, my sister-in-law asked me about it and I said that I was afraid to have the surgery.

At the time, and for years, I firmly believed I was afraid of the surgery itself. I feared that something would go wrong. Or so I thought and said.

What I really feared came through loud and clear for me today while I was in the shower. I was afraid to give up my crutch. As destructive as my eating behaviors were/are, as much damage as my super obesity was doing to my health, I feared giving up the behaviors and putting down the quantities of food. I think it’s a real sign of the depth of my disease that I continued to choose that which hurt me in the present and jeopardized my future because I was afraid of trying to live without it. Does that qualify as the devil you know?

It feels like I’m focusing a lot these days on the aspects of my eating disorder and diseased thinking. For me, it keeps coming up which indicates that I’m ready to work on it, pick it apart, understand myself more and move on from it into healthier ways.

Since reading that essay a few nights ago, I’ve reminded myself every morning to make the choice to live in recovery. It isn’t that I haven’t been doing it, but every day I actually say the words out loud to myself. Today I choose recovery. That sentence packs a lot of punch. It sends a message to my old fears that they are not the option. It not only internally strengthens my intention, but it also means that turns it into a public declaration. Ok, I don’t run around telling other people, “Hey, today I choose recovery”, but somehow speaking it aloud makes it more real.

After having the thoughts this morning, I pondered a lot about how I really feel about not using food in the old diseased ways. Choosing recovery takes the drug impact qualities away from food and allows it to be its appropriate role in my life — nourishment. It’s okay to derive reasonable pleasure from the taste as long as I don’t imbue it with lots of other traits that aren’t healthy.

What I’m finding, much to my satisfaction and delight, is that I’m okay with food just being food. I don’t need it to be anything else, so I have no need for fear. I can give up my crutch, shelter, armor and do very well with it, thank you. There isn’t anything that I’m going to face or deal with that requires me to overeat in order to cope. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I’m strong. I can handle anything.

General Musings NSVs The Past is the Past

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Nov 18

Endless Possibilities

by Mary Stella

I emailed the man who wrote the essay that I cited in yesterday’s blog. He wrote me back and told me about a new book he has out. He also commented that it seems a number of bariatric surgery patients develop alcoholism and he doesn’t know why.

I wrote back and clarified that I’m not an alcoholic but that the 12 Step teachings help me a great deal with my addiction to compulsive eating behavior, binge eating, etc. I also offered up from my personal experience that it doesn’t surprise me that someone would transfer their food issues and pick up a different drug of choice, i.e. alcohol or narcotics. I’m grateful every day that I choose to delve into my issues and emotions, go deep into the past, including my triggers and everything else. It’s important that I do all this work for my recovery, even when the work is painful. The only way out is through. If I don’t do the processing, I could easily find some way other than binge eating to numb the feelings.

When I was active in OA, we frequently were joined by people from a local outpatient drug/alcohol rehab program. They’d discovered that when they stopped using drugs and alcohols, they began to eat more sugar and fat-laden carbs etc. These addiction transfers are all too common.

I also shared with the man that we who have had bariatric surgery don’t tolerate alcohol very well. I used to have a good head for drinking. Now, it goes right into my bloodstream and I’m muddled from less than a single glass of wine, so I’m careful about when/if/how much I might imbibe.

Anyway, I hope the info is helpful. I know that I connected with the message of the man’s essay in a big way. I woke up early this morning – 6:00 a.m. — to a day where the wind finally laid down. By 6:15, I was on my bike, pedaling toward the beach. It was a beautiful morning. I could see the sun breaking on the horizon meanwhile, over my shoulder, the almost-full moon still glowed bright. Amazing.

A little earlier tonight, I called a dear friend of mine who had weight loss surgery about a year ago. She had both her knees replaced in June. Like me, her life, health and ability have dramatically improved. We talked for quite some time about a lot of things, but one thing kept resonating. We talked about the possibilities we have in our lives today. Honestly, we both know how, before we had the surgery, it was so hard to envision that our lives could change so much — and so much for the better.

When I was at my lowest point, I could scarcely wrap my brain around the possibilities. I couldn’t bring myself to really believe that it could happen, let alone that it would. It was honestly hard to hope. Now, activities and adventures that super obesity had rendered near-impossible are not only possible, I actually do them! I used to spend a lot of time stressing and worrying about so many things. Some I automatically discounted, so sure was I that my weight or diminished physical strength stood in my way. Others I feared even trying.

I live, work and play in an entirely different world now. Nothing is impossible. It’s no longer a matter of whether I can, I know I can. Living life unlimited is amazing.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress NSVs The Past is the Past

2 Comments »
Nov 17

Going to Any Lengths

by Mary Stella

A few minutes ago, I wasn’t sure what to blog about tonight. A couple of thoughts and ideas flitted around in my brain. Earlier today I changed the setting on my alarm clock to 6:00 a.m. I am determined to wake up on purpose early every day so that I can get in solid exercise before I get ready for work.

Thinking about that made me think about a phrase that I heard first in Al-Anon and then later in OA. It comes from AA’s “Big Book”. “If you’ve decided you want we have and are willing to go to any lengths to have it, then you are ready to take certain steps.”

That was exactly what I needed to hear again tonight and remember. Being willing to go to any lengths to recover is a huge choice and a defining moment. It isn’t easy to always maintain — that commitment of willingness — but it’s necessary, or recovery will be a fleeting thing.

With this in my head, I Googled so that I could find the exact reference. Instead, I found an absolutely kick-ass essay online. From 2011, it’s attributed to John MacDougall, the Director of Spiritual Guidance at Hazelden — a famous addiction treatment center. Click here to read the entire essay.

Regardless of the drug of choice for the addict — narcotics, alcohol, food — the addiction itself is powerful, often it feels more powerful than any frail human willingness. This essay, however, reinforces another power — the power to choose recovery. I also love when Dr. MacDougall says that we don’t negotiate our recovery.

I must choose my abstinence from compulsive eating, choose my recovery, every day. Then, as Dr. MacDougall says, I find out what the price each day will be. Some days, like today, will be relatively easy. Some will take more effort and require me to give up more in order to sustain my recovery another 24 hours. The price might mean not eating that unplanned dessert or not giving into the anger/upset/stress caused by a situation I run into. Whatever the case, I cannot, will not, wake up with anything less than total commitment. It doesn’t work to say that I will remain abstinent as long as it’s a good day or as long as nothing happens that stresses me out, or even as long as I don’t get a super craving for a favorite food that isn’t on my plan.

A high level of commitment in action engenders successful recovery. That’s what I want. I’m willing to go to any length to achieve it.

General Musings My Progress

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