I arrived back home in the Florida Keys about an hour ago at 8 p.m. after a full day of travel from Pennsylvania which was prefaced by a crappy night’s sleep. Although that trip was smooth with no delays, I am exhausted. For the life of me, I do not know how I handled traveling when I was 386 pounds. The sheer effort of slogging between parking garages, terminals and concourses is enough to make anyone want to collapse for a nap on their luggage or, better yet, crib a ride on one of those rented luggage carts.
Complaining aside, I loved spending time with my family and friends. I always try to drive around and see as many people as possible, yet even with my best effort and planning, I never managed to see everyone.
My weird ailment on Friday eased up on Saturday in that I no longer needed to throw up every few hours. I continue to have some lingering discomfort in other, shall we say “tuneful”, ways but I’m sure that too will pass. (Hah, what a horrible, unintended pun. *snicker*) I don’t have much appetite, which is not a bad thing as, prior to my illness, I was eating too much of too many things that I don’t normally consume — or at least don’t normally consume in meals so close together. This eating pattern very likely contributed to the gastric issues.
This leads me to looking ahead. As you all know, because I keep talking about it, I’m recommitting to my recovery plan. For the longest time, I’ve been thinking about this in terms of finally, finally, finally, losing the remaining pounds that I want to shed. The third year anniversary of my weight loss surgery is approaching. While I cannot lose the weight by that date, I truly am determined.
However, in recent days, my approach to achieving the ultimate goal has shifted. That is because the ultimate goal itself has changed. I owe it all to Anne Lamott. If you have not seen this post, about what she refers to as the Anti-Diet, I urge you to read it. It provided an “aha” moment, the likes of which I have not experienced in quite some time. If you aren’t on Facebook, don’t worry. She must have her profile set to public. You can read it without signing in to FB.
So many things she says in her post hugged my heart. This anti-diet idea is about treating ourselves with love, gentle acceptance, more love, and self-care. It’s about doing for ourselves what we would do for others; preparing and serving ourselves food in meals that we would offer an honored, loved guest. It’s also about not letting our clothes and how we fit in them define our self-esteem.
If you were coming to my house for dinner, I would not feed you unhealthy crap. I would take the time to select fine quality, fresh ingredients and cook you a delicious, balanced, nutritious meal that you would, hopefully, love.
Sitting across from you at the table, I would eat the same tasty, healthy meal, savoring each bite instead of mindlessly shoveling it into my mouth.
Food is not love. Eating nutritious, balanced meals in a healthy manner is, however, a way to practice good self-care, to treat myself with love, respect, honor and kindness. By keeping this in mind with my food choices, I will support my recovery in a number of ways. With the commitment to my physical exercise for health and good eating, I know that, ultimately, weight will come off. However, the bar for health will be in the way that I treat myself, not the numbers on the scale or the way my clothes fit.
Before I left the mainland on the drive home this afternoon, I stopped at a well-known produce stand. I bought fresh fruits and veggies that delighted me with their quality and bright colors. Kale, romaine, green beans, spaghetti squash, pineapple, Florida strawberries and a mamey sapote. In deference to my slightly shaky system, I augmented this freshness with some soups from the supermarket. The intention is to eat lighter than usual over the next several days to see how my body reacts.
Most of all, now that I’m once more home from the holidays, I’m going to commit to not dieting, but to nourishing myself – body, heart and soul.
Weighty Matters 