Weighty Matters

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Feb 1

Goal-Setting Revamp

by Mary Stella

When I dieted, I lived and died by the numbers.  Okay, that’s overly dramatic because, hey, I never actually died, but it’s not an exaggeration to say that I fixated on the scale number as the sole measure for my success.  (I originally typed that as soul measure which, in its own way, is also accurate.)

It wasn’t enough for me to say that I wanted to lose X number of pounds.  Oh no, I had to say things like, “I want to lose three-four pounds a week” or “Must lose 20 pounds before such and such date”.  I was ruled by this practice.  It has taken me a lonnnngg time to realize that not only am I setting myself up for unreasonable expectations because I always determine high numbers for the measure, but also in so doing, I was creating huge stress for myself.

Anytime I obsess over any aspect of my program and progress, I stress myself out.  It all becomes an exercise of wondering and worrying what my weight will be any time I get on the scale.  Then, if I didn’t hit what I projected, or didn’t think I would hit the week’s goal, I’d add negative feelings of disappointment, disillusionment, despair, self-loathing and other things to my stress.

Then, in true compulsive overeater/food addict form, I’d want to eat huge amounts of not-good-for-me foods to try to squelch those horrible feelings.

When I first started learning more about my compulsive eating disorder and joined OA, I learned to focus less on the numbers.  Instead the goal was to just follow my program one day at a time.  I worked on developing self-honesty as to whether I’d been abstinent of compulsive eating.  I didn’t set weekly or monthly goals for the number of pounds I wanted to lose.

I began to learn how to foster self-esteem in ways that were not connected to my weight and body size.  I wasn’t obsessed with numbers but with taking good care of myself through healthy, non-diseased eating.

I’m thinking about this a lot today.  I still haven’t gotten on the scale since returning from the cruise.  At first, this started because of pure avoidance.  If I gained weight while on vacation I did not want to know because I didn’t want to feel lousy about myself.  Now, a week later, this has shown me how, once more, I’ve become such a slave to the numbers as the measure of whether I’m in recovery.

That’s not the way to do this for me.  The measure of recovery and healthy eating is the process.  Am I following my program, maintaining my defined abstinence from compulsive overeating, making healthy choices?  Those are the things that matter.  If I’m not paying attention to those things but monkeying around, I could still end up with a good number on the scale – but it would be a false indication of the consistency of my abstinence and recovery.

In the course of writing out this blog and working through my thoughts, I’ve decided that I’m going to shove my scale under the dresser for the foreseeable future and go back to solely focusing on my daily behavior.   Look, if I do this one day at a time and build up long abstinence, I will lose weight.  That’s a given.  However,  can let it happen in a relaxed, stress-free, natural time frame, sans the obsession on the scale number.The commitment to abstinence is the single most important tool.   I need it to continue long term recovery.

I feel it’s important to point out that what is necessary for me is not automatically what is necessary for anyone else.  Not every person who is overweight has an eating disorder.  One size does not fit all when it comes to weight loss and healthier living.  I support every individual discovering what works and is appropriate for them and salute them as they follow their own path.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Jan 11

Buying Clothes in “Normal” Stores

by Mary Stella

I’ve talked about shopping for clothes several times, but I’m experiencing some more new stuff.  The whole experience of going into pretty much any store and finding clothes in my size is still not something to which I am accustomed.  It isn’t natural behavior and, sometimes, I need to remind myself to take the plunge.

That happened in September when my friend and I were in Key West and passed a Chico’s store that was having a big end-of-summer sale.  She suggested we go in.  “Oh no,” I said.  “I’ll never find anything.”  My mind kept going to all of the Chico’s ads I’d seen on television with the very tall, slender models.  My friend told me that the store had sizes that would go up to what I’m currently wearing — and she was right.

Several months ago I discovered that I can go into this local ladies sportswear store and find clothes in my size.  I still figured that was an anomaly.

Yesterday I went to Key West to hang out with some friends.  I’m leaving for a cruise soon and needed a few sporty tops and, hopefully, a pair of shorts or cropped length pants to round out my shipboard wardrobe.  I thought I’d check out Chico’s.  When I rounded the corner, another shop’s windows caught my eye — Fresh Produce.  Honestly, my first thought was, “No way.  Don’t even bother.”  I took a deep breath and went as far as the sale racks that were close to the door.

Well, what do you know?  They had clothes in a variety of sizes from XS to XXL.  Some were numbered, but not in the regular number sizes, you know, 6, 8, 14, 18.   I am not good at looking at a garment and assessing whether it will fit my body.  My body shape and image are still distorted in my mind’s eye.

I asked a salesperson for help.  She was cheerful and friendly when she informed me that it all depended on the garment.  Two different saleswomen told me that they wear any of three different sizes from the store.  Hmmm.

So, I learned that there is no standard for XS or M or even XXL.  An XXL in this store could be the equivalent of an L in another.  Heck, it wasn’t even that close a comparison — an XXL in one shirt could be similar in size to an L in the one next to it on the sales rack.

There truly was no way to guess and I found that I had to get over a couple of hangups about the size on the tag.

I thought of that Anne Lamott Anti-Diet post a week or so ago where she says that there are enough things affecting her self-esteem without her jeans and clothes having an opinion.  I vowed to not negatively judge myself over the size on the tag.  XL didn’t mean that I’d swelled up and gained weight.  It meant that the particular garment was designed and cut smaller than other styles.

The only things that mattered were: Did the clothing catch my eye?  Did it fit when I put them on?  Did I like the way that I looked in them when I wore them?  Did I like it – period?

Once I put the sizes out of my mind, my shopping stress level dropped and I had a really nice time picking out a few great things.  When I left, I was not only pleased with my purchases, but I was also very happy that I’d confronted my apprehension about even going into a so-called “normal” clothing store.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress NSVs

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Jan 10

Changing Lifestyle

by Mary Stella

The process of changing a lifestyle is more important than reaching a goal or measuring a performance. – Theodore Isaac Rubin

This quote was part of my daily reading the other day.  It really summed up what I continue to struggle with  in my recovery.  I know that my recovery is all about changing my lifestyle from unhealthy and sedentary to healthy with physical fitness and activity.  Yet, all too often I still measure my success in whether I strictly adhered to a rigorous protocol of food choices and what the number says on the scale.

These issues battle for control in my head all of the time.  The one that is winning on any given day all too often determines how I feel about myself.  When I focus too much on my weight by number or whether, goodness sake, I actually treated myself to some pasta at dinner or a single cupcake for dessert, I send myself right back into the diseased thinking of “You failed.  You ruined today.”

When I focus on how much I’ve achieved with my overall lifestyle change; when I embrace that I am SO much healthier in the way that I eat, the food choices I make, the physical activities that I enjoy doing, the adventures that I explore; I feel so much better emotionally, mentally and spiritually too.

I need to cultivate positive reinforcement for my lifestyle change.  I need to notice when I have a good, balanced day.  I also need to be mindful about how I talk to myself or quiz myself.   Did I choose the things I ate with care, or did I eat mindlessly, driven by compulsion?  Was I in balance in the actual food choices – healthy, fresh, natural most of the time and not so much fatty, low-quality, over-processed foods?  If I ate anything compulsively, or over-indulged at some point in less healthier food choices, I shouldn’t go on to castigate myself.  Nothing is served by mentally berating myself.  I can look at the day objectively and treat myself with love, understanding, and a re-commitment.

Was I physically active?  I don’t need to march a 5K every day, but some part of my day needs to include some sort of activity — walks with the dogs, Tai Chi, a workout DVD, a bike ride.

Consistent commitment to the healthier choices strengthens the foundation of my improved lifestyle far more than obsessing on the scale numbers or the size on the tags of my clothes.  Do I feel good, strong, and energetic?  Am I peaceful and happy in my heart?  Those are the things that matter.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Dec 30

Self-Care Training

by Mary Stella

I wish I naturally, automatically practiced good self-care.  Oh, sure, I do it sometimes and probably more often than I did before, but I don’t automatically treat myself well often enough.  Very often, I have to remind myself.  It’s strange because gentle support and encouragement are second nature to me when I’m offering them to a friend or family member.

Thinking it over, I do better with bigger gestures to myself, sort of like self-care rewards, but the day to day little positive reinforcements come harder.  For some many years I abused myself with my overeating and then compounded the horrible self-treatment with the negative, rotten things I thought about myself and that I said to myself.

I need to retrain myself in this area.  I keep going back to the Anne Lamott post on the anti-diet.  In it she talks about paying attention to what makes us feel good, one meal at a time.  I’ve really been focusing on that the last couple of days.  I strive to stay present in the moment as I prepare my food and then while I eat the meals.  I remind myself over and over again that it is important for me to do what is good for me and to do what makes me happy.

Paying attention, I find, is key.  There are so many distractions in our lives.  External distractions are challenging enough, but the negative tapes that sometimes still play in my head are even worse.  It’s the negative thoughts that take me away from my mindfulness so that I can inhale a few cookies before I realize what I’m doing.  So, I’ve ramped up the self-attention when I’m around the food.  Attention leads to mindfulness and so on.

In addition, I also tell myself, often, that I’m treating myself well and I’m worth it.  I’m choosing to eat healthy and not go off of my plan into compulsive eating because I’m taking care of myself.  And I’m worth it.  I looked at the beautiful, fresh, crisp salad that I put together for dinner (fresh, chopped kale, shredded broccoli, carrots, red cabbage, diced sweet onion, a little feta, some walnuts) and acknowledged that making it was a way to treat myself well.  So was the way that I ate it with some roast chicken — slowly, savoring the tastes, appreciating everything about the experience.

A corporate coach tells us that it takes 21 days to adopt a new behavior.  I hope that I can continue building on this self-training for the next three weeks, do it consistently, and continue to really develop a daily naturalness in self-care.

General Musings My Progress

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Dec 26

Starting Off with a Bang and a Whimper

by Mary Stella

My family and I enjoyed a lovely holiday together.  Nephew number two arrived on the afternoon of Christmas Eve so we could all enjoy a gathering with friends at their home.  Nephew number one had to work that night so my brother and I got up early yesterday and drove to Brooklyn to get him.  It was great that all five of us managed to be together for Christmas.

A handful of posts ago, I wrote about things I can do better for my recovery and also about recommitting to my efforts after the holidays.  I feel determined and inspired, ready to start off with a bang and let the energy carry me on to victory!  I planned to enjoy the various, delectable foods available to me while up here on vacation — and I did — but I knew the whole time that I would be stricter with myself when the celebrations were complete.

Well, it’s December 26th and I started off with a bang all right, as well as with a whimper.  I woke up about 3 a.m. today with a severe bout of nausea that prompted several trips to the bathroom to expel whatever bile was in my stomach.  (No solid foods left at that point.)  Just to make it even more fun, I also experienced diarrhea.  (Sorry for the blunt talk.)  I s.

I finally stopped throwing up about 6:30 a.m. but still experienced the other issue.  I was so wiped out that I spent the entire morning in bed, which was upsetting because it stole the last morning of time I had to be with my nephews.  Both had to leave for their respective homes in neighboring states to work their jobs this afternoon.

Sadly, I don’t know the source of the illness.  It could be viral, but I’m recovering a little fast for that, unless it’s truly a 24 hour bug.  It could have been food poisoning, I guess, even though I’m the only one that suffered from it.  The only thing I consumed that nobody else did was a bagel and a cup of tea in Brooklyn.  I wonder if it all comes down to a great variety of richer food, eaten more frequently and in ultimately more quantity than normal.  Perhaps my system decided to illustrate matters by rebelling.  I can’t decide.

I started sipping water about 12:30 and kept it down.  About an hour later I braved a shower, which felt wonderful.  After I got dressed, I nibbled dry toast and sipped a weak cup of tea.  So far, so good!

Now I’m looking at the lesson in the experience.   Eat small amounts, slowly.  Don’t overtax my system with rich or quantities of unfamiliar foods.  Sip, sip, sip.  It’s not unlike the first several months after my weight loss surgery.  These are terrific reminders.  I’m going to keep them up as I move forward.

One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing that doesn’t work over and over but expecting different results.  I think it would be insane of me to not retrace my plan and efforts to what worked so phenomenally well for me from the get-go.  While I would not wish an extended period of gastrointestinal ailments on myself or anybody else, spending a little time in whimpering mode today may prove helpful in the long run!

Hope that everyone is enjoying the holiday week, whether you celebrate Christmas or other holidays!

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Dec 1

Good Food Days

by Mary Stella

Everyone recovered from the holiday food coma?  If you put on a few pounds over the weekend, don’t panic!  It’s the body’s normal reaction to probably eating differently than you normally do.   If your body’s like mine, I can suck on four pounds of bloat without blinking.  Thankfully, I can get rid of it quickly too.

On the phone tonight with a friend  I shared that I had a good food day.  Then I realized I probably needed to explain what I meant.  Good food day could be interpreted different ways.  It could be a day when one eats lots of good food.  That was certainly true, but more importantly, it’s the way that I went through the day.  I was not besieged by compulsion.  I didn’t constantly think about food, nor did I suffer constant cravings.  I didn’t wish I could dive face first into an open bag of junk snack food.

All I did was mix up a nutritional, tasty smoothie for breakfast.  I planned, prepared, and packed two snacks and my lunch.  When I got home after work and a stop at the supermarket, I cooked the meal that I’d also planned and ate it in a relaxed, easy way.  (Grilled skirt steak with a salad of grilled romaine, roasted beets, a sprinkle of toasted walnuts, and some goat cheese crumbles.)  A short time ago, I had my evening snack and a cup of tea.

I’m satisfied.  I’m not craving more or wondering if it would hurt if I had a spoonful or two of (fill in the blank).

Translated, I am not white-knuckling and battling my eating disorder.  Any day when I am not regularly beset with food thoughts to the point where my compulsive desire to eat is fueled is one that goes in the Good Food Day category.  So, booyah for me!

Since I had a pretty good weekend food-wise, I feel strong and serene.  I decided not to do the full three day detox.  Instead, I went two days and then ate a small, healthy lunch and dinner yesterday.  I also got out for a few good walks and a long bike ride over the weekend.  Overall, I felt like I took really good care of myself.

Good food days, good program days, are important.  I can only do this recovery one day at a time and every day matters.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Nov 24

Fooling My Brain

by Mary Stella

Very often I think that I’m hungry, am positive that if I don’t have a particular food right that very second, I will starve.  Yes, that’s overdramatized, but sometimes it’s close to how I feel.  It’s brain or head hunger, of course.  I’m not actually in danger of starvation.  My brain wants what it wants when it wants it and convinces my body to go along.

I’ve fallen into that trap more often in recent weeks.  It either happens with specific foods or with the quantity of food.  I’m not eating huge binge amounts.  Thank goodness, the restricted stomach prevents that intake.  However, I could eat a reasonable portion, wait a while, decide that I must have more and then squeeze in additional foods.

I honestly could demolish a package of cookies that way, one cookie at a time spread out over an afternoon and evening.  Mental hunger is powerful.

Determination not to give into mental hunger must be even more powerful.  Those of you old enough to remember the Reagan Administration will recall Mrs. Reagan’s campaign of “Just Say No” to drug usage.  In this case, I must just say no to my own brain cravings.

Often, I take to joshing around with my brain.  Instead of scolding myself when the food thoughts attempt a coup, I give myself a mental nudge along the lines of, “Oh come on.  Don’t be silly.  You don’t really need that (fill in the inappropriate food).”  It helps.  It makes the whole process less difficult than if I argued with myself or made myself a victim of my eating disorder.  I have to walk away from dramatic internal monologues.

This morning while preparing lunch to bring to work, I realized that I was out of nuts.  I like to bring nuts for a mid-morning snack.  For a few moments I started to get a little, well, nutty about it.  Thankfully, I stopped, did an eye-roll at myself and got a grip.  For months, I satisfied the mid-morning hunger with a single, low fat cheese stick – of which I had several in the fridge.  I plopped one in my lunch bag.  Problem solved.

I fooled my brain.  Serenity returned.  I’ve continued through the day so far without food or eating difficulties.  The cheese stick was fine mid-morning.  My lunch was the perfect, healthy, appropriate meal.  I just enjoyed a small apple for the mid-afternoon snack.  I’m meeting a friend for dinner out and already know what I’m ordering.  Likewise, I know what’s in the house for my reasonable evening snack.  It’s all good.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Nov 10

In the Middle Seat

by Mary Stella

I almost titled this post “To Boldly Go Where I’ve Never Gone Before”.  Well, at least where I haven’t gone very often and not in a long, long, lonnnnggggg time.

Last Thursday, I left on a business trip to California for a conference.  On the way home, for some reason the travel agent had not been able to select a seat for me even though I was confirmed on the flight.  I tried several times to select a seat before the day of the flight and each time the system refused.

This caused no small amount of anxiety all because I stressed on the great what if.  What if the only seats available weren’t aisle or window seats?  What if, (insert choked, fretful, gasp) the only seat available was In. The. Middle??  (Cue the doomsday organ chords.)

I was the first person in line at the gate when the attendant arrived to assign seats.  It didn’t help the anxiety when she announced on the microphone that they “might” have an oversold situation and were looking for three volunteers willing to give up their seats for a free flight and other perks.  Actually, the thought of not getting on the flight at all suddenly struck me as ever so much more worrisome since I would then miss the connecting flight, subsequently miss the shuttle van home, and be stuck in Miami for Lord knows how long.

However, even though I was reassured when she confirmed me for a seat, I couldn’t stop the queasy dread when I saw that the situation I so feared had come true.

I was seated in the middle of a row.

All of the dread was a throwback to my days of Super Obesity when I could barely fit in any airline seat but could at least manage to just barely squeeze myself in between the arm rests and use a seat belt extender to buckle up.  Even one one end or the other, I made sure to lean as far as I could away from the person in the middle so that I wouldn’t crowd them more than absolutely necessary.  I always hated it when I’d see the expression on their faces when they realized that they were stuck sitting next to the really heavy woman.  Needless to say, I always avoided middle seats – for my own sake as well as any other travelers.

I’m truly surprised that no flight attendant ever flagged me and said that I’d have to buy a second seat to accommodate my bulk.

Anyway, even though I know I fit in normal seats, I couldn’t shake the sick feeling while I boarded the flight and slowly made my way to my appointed row.  I gingerly slid into the row and oh-so-carefully took my seat.

Without any problem.  I sat down in the seat and realized that not only did I fit, I had a little room to spare on either side.  The arm rests weren’t cutting into me, nor were they trying to automatically flip up, pushed there by any overly thick part of my body.

I fit.  Comfortably.  Comfortably for me and for the people seated on either side.  I was so relieved that I closed my eyes, sent up a quick gratitude prayer, and breathed out the air I’d sort of been holding along with my apprehension.  I relaxed and enjoyed a very pleasant conversation with my row companion to the right.  It felt good.  It felt, Lord help me, normal.

Another hurdle jumped.  Another NSV realized.  Booyah!

****************

As part of my long weekend away, I went on a Whale Watching trip in Southern California.  Here are a some of the photos because, no matter what the topic, there’s always a place for cute animal pictures.

Dolphin-2

 

Leaping Dolphins

Humpback Flukes 1

Northern Fur Seal

SL on Buoy-1

Body Matters My Progress NSVs

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Oct 29

An Off Switch

by Mary Stella

A long time ago, I talked about sometime feeling as if my motivation had an on/off switch when I used to diet.  Unfortunately, it was always like someone or something else flicked that switch to the Off position and, just like that, my motivation disappeared.  It was never easy to turn it back on again.

In terms of my eating disorder, I used to long for a different switch, one that could instantly turn off the compulsion, the eating urges, but before I reached for food.  Honestly, when the disease is raging, there is virtually no impulse control.  A package will be open and food already in my mouth or in my stomach before any thoughts of, “No.  Stop.  Don’t eat that” swim anywhere near my conscious mind.  It sucks when the awareness kicks in after the food is swallowed and I think, “I shouldn’t have eaten that.”  Still, that’s the nature of the disease.

I also used to wish that someone would invent a sensor or a chip that emitted a jolt, a sound, a buzz, anything really, to snap me out of the compulsion if I was even tempted to eat on impulse.  It would have to work something like one of those invisible fences people install around their properties to keep their dogs at home.  Now there’s an image — me walking around, wearing a collar with a gizmo that jolted me whenever I got in range of inappropriate food.  I’m not sure how I would designate food as inappropriate.  I can’t exactly install invisible fencing around the rest of the world, or at least the rest of my world.

Such are the useless musings of a compulsive overeater.  In reality, awareness and the ability to put on the brakes on my own compulsive disease aren’t things that can be triggered by switches or microchips.  Awareness is a learned skill.  It goes back to mindfulness with a healthy shot of strong program.  It involves developing a healthy obsession, not with food, but with that eating behavior.  Working a program, putting time and energy – mental energy – into it are all necessary actions.  I can’t phone in the effort.  There’s no remote control.  I have to always do the work.  In program terms, it means being willing to go to any lengths to achieve recovery.

I can be my own off switch.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Oct 21

About Compulsion

by Mary Stella
com·pul·sion
kəmˈpəlSHən/
noun
 1.
  1. the action or state of forcing or being forced to do something; constraint.
    “the payment was made under compulsion“
    synonyms: obligation, constraint, coercion, duress, pressure, intimidation

    “he is under no compulsion to go”
  2. 2.
    an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, especially against one’s conscious wishes.
    “he felt a compulsion to babble on about what had happened”
    synonyms: urge, impulse, need, desire, drive; More

     

    Since I deal (or not sometimes) with compulsive eating behavior as part of my binge-eating disorder, I thought it might be a good topic to discuss.  I know how the behavior manifests, but figured it would be good to see how compulsion is actually defined and then assess how it resonates to me.

    So, definition number one doesn’t match.  Nobody forces me to overeat, eat when I’m not hungry, eat and keep eating, etc.

    Definition number two?  Yes, that’s the one. If there’s a way to highlight words in WordPress, I can’t figure it out, but if I could, I owuld highlight “irresistible” and “against one’s conscious wishes”.  Yes, I really do feel sometimes as if the urge to eat is irresistible, even unstoppable, and it occurs regardless of my conscious desire to stay on my plan.

    Compulsion is a horrible feeling.  Imagine if you couldn’t control your hand and had to watch while it picked up a kitchen knife and stabbed you in your own thigh.  Yes, that’s a really dramatic image, but it serves a point.  When compulsion overcomes my conscious wish and give in to the irresistible urge to eat, I hurt myself — physically, emotionally and spiritually.

    I wish the weight loss surgery had also removed the compulsion, but it didn’t, so I still struggle with it every day.  However, the surgery set me on the road to a good long period of recovery and weight loss.  I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been, so while I have my off periods, I believe in myself.  I’m definitely not going to gain back my weight.  Ultimately, I have come to believe that with the help of a Higher Power, a program, and all of the tools at ready, I am stronger than the compulsion.

    One of the big tools is to set myself up for success instead of creating situations where failure is more likely.  For example, being in the vicinity of bags of candy for Halloween — that’s a big time, doomed-to-fail scenario.  I am absolutely capable of compulsively eating piece, after piece, after mini-piece of candy until I’m sick to my stomach.  Setting myself up for success means not buying the bags and having them in the house.

    You see, once I start, it honestly does feel sometimes like I can’t stop myself.   The time to bring all of the weapons forward to beat back the compulsion is before I take the first piece.  The call to action needs to happen while I still have conscious thought — and when I’m still conscious and aware that the compulsion is bubbling up.

    I’d like to substitute healthier, more positive behaviors for the destructive compulsive ones.  That’s been an ongoing effort.  Exercising consistently.  Practicing good, positive thinking.  Reshaping those old truths.  Exploring the flavors of healthy food and experimenting with new-to-me foods and cooking techniques.  These are all positives.  They take practice.  Continual practice.

    Also on the positive side is recognizing that I have an addictive personality.  If it wasn’t food that became my drug of choice, I know I’d be addicted to drugs or alcohol.  There was a time when I was hooked on cigarettes and also a regular pot smoker.  In the early 80s when I lost more than 100 pounds on an extremely restrictive, medically supervised, diet, I did not yet know that I had an eating disorder, so I wasn’t in any kind of treatment to help me understand and deal with the other aspects of the disorder.  I was only eating nine ounces of protein a day and I wasn’t drinking alcohol when I went out to the clubs three or four nights a week with my friends.  So, I still needed something to make up for the lack of food as a coping mechanism.   I started getting high almost every night.

    Although I spent a lot of years partying in rock clubs with my friends, I didn’t drink to drunkenness every  night and I wasn’t much for drinking at night when I was at home.  I think observing and dealing with my mother’s alcoholism probably contributed to me not making that my addiction.

    I gave up pot a long time ago and have no desire to pick it up again, even on rare, recreational occasions.  I was never into coke or other illegal drugs.  I also tend to avoid prescription pain killers unless absolutely necessary — as in the pain level I’m feeling is at least an 8 on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being unimaginable pain.  Even after surgery when I was recovering at home, I only took a couple of doses of the pain medicine the doctor prescribed.  Today the orthopedic doctor offered to write me a scrip for a stronger medication than over-the-counter pain relievers.  I politely declined.  I’d rather not have it in the house and run the risk of swapping one addiction or compulsion for another.

    Compulsion is ugly, challenging, frustrating and, sometimes, disheartening.  When all is said and done, however,  I refuse to be its victim.  I’m going to borrow from one of my favorite television shows, Scandal, and imagine myself as a gladiator.  I may not win every battle, but I do not run from the war.

     

Body Matters General Musings My Progress The Past is the Past

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