Weighty Matters

I don’t have a lot to write about today.  It was a fairly no drama day.  This is not to say that my life is usually filled with angst and dramatic events.  Most of the time, I’m pretty even keeled.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t run into stress sometimes, but I don’t usually go all wiggy with it.

That said, I guess there was always an undercurrent of tension and anxiety about food.  What would I eat?  Would I stay on my diet?  Would I be able to get the food I wanted when I wanted?  What would I want?  Even on days that I was following my food plan or a diet and packed a lunch for work, I’d obsess to some extent.  What if lunch time rolled around and I didn’t want the meal I’d prepped and packed?

I’m sure I’m not the only one who sometimes loathes food she usually likes.  Have you ever made, for example, a yummy salad with flavorful ingredients that are also healthy and savored every bite?  Ever make the same thing right down to the lettuce leaf but when you were about to eat it suddenly thought, “Bleck.  Garbage!”?

These days, I still get some of those conflicting food thoughts, but not nearly as frequently as in the past.

Even when I’m away from home in situations where I don’t have the ability to keep a stocked fridge and pre-plan every meal, I don’t get all twitchy.  Honestly, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, it’s fairly easy for me to find some protein to eat.  Once the protein need is met, everything else is gravy — in a matter of speaking.

Planning is important.  It begins with my weekend supermarket shopping trip.  I make sure that I have all of the meals and snacks covered on my list.  Milk for my morning protein shakes.   A few Greek yogurts, some lunch meat, and a soup or two will give me a variety of choices for lunch.  Whatever I consider making for dinner usually lasts for a couple of meals.  Fruit, some veggies.  I’m good to go.

Every morning when I’m getting ready for work I decide what I’m taking to work for two snacks and lunch.  Sometime during the day, often on my drive home, I choose which of the dinner choices I’ll make that evening — unless I’m eating leftovers, in which case the decisions already been made.

Doesn’t this make it all sound incredibly easy?  That’s the fun part.  It is that easy!  All these years I’ve obsessed over my meals, creating  God knows how much stress and drama.  None of it was necessary.  Honestly, it can be rather matter of fact.

It feels great!  I’ll take a “no drama” day over the old way, anytime!

I guess I never realized just how much underlying stress I had about my meals until I consistently experienced its absence.

A friend of mine met with a doctor today to discuss dates for weight loss surgery.  She’d felt a little panicky and wondered if I’d experienced the same.

Honestly, I don’t remember getting panicky pre-surgery, but for the months leading up to my operation and even weeks after, I sometimes worried.  Food and overeating had been my coping mechanism, comfort, and security blanket for the majority of my life.  It protected me, made emotional pain more bearable, and also gave me a place to hide.

What would I do, how would I cope if life kicked in the ass about something and I could no longer take refuge in overeating to the point of emotinal numbness?

Oh yes, I worried about that and, sometimes, I got downright scared.   When that happened, I held onto a phrase that a friend of mine often says.  “My faith is stronger  than my fear.”  Yes, I believe in a Higher Power, and I do have faith that I can turn over problems to my HP and things will work out how they’re supposed to, but I also developed faith in myself.  I knew that I made the right decision in choosing to have weight loss surgery.  I held on to faith in myself, in my ability to develop new, better, healthier ways to cope and deal with issues.

Amid all of this are a few essential truths.  Food cannot cope, comfort, or provide security.  Food is just food, without magical powers.  Overeating does not achieve anything positive.   When one buries oneself in food, one doesn’t have to look at the issues and problems.   For me, compulsive overeating is an avoidance technique that masquerades as protection.

Understanding these things made it possible for me to give up the overeating and destructive behavior with food.  It doesn’t mean that I’ll never feel the urge to overeat, but I don’t need to give into the urge.   I had, and still have, faith that I can effectively deal with issues and problems instead of avoiding them with food and overeating.   No need to panic.  No need to worry.

In the end, faith is stronger than fear and stronger than food.

I’ve watched the coverage of the Olympic Games pretty much every night.  The athletes are amazing.  Their bodies are sculpted, honed, and toned with precious little body fat.  (Excepting the weight lifters and some of the wrestlers, I guess.)  I can only guess how many hours a day they spend practicing their chosen sport and putting in extra effort developing those efficient, strong bodies.

I prefer to watch some sports over others.  I could watch swimming or gymnastics forever, but to be honest, it’s a little difficult for me to get excited about the triple jump.  As the games go on night after night, I wonder if the announcers grow weary of commentating the events.  How hard is it to maintain enthusiasm, excitement and originality when you’re reporting on the 12th of 13 nearly identical archery shots?  How do you foster excitement in your viewing audience over Greco-Roman wrestling when you know that 98% of your viewers don’t know the difference between G-R wrestling and the WWF, except that the athletes in the Olympics don’t have glitter capes, masks or a tendency to throw their opponents against the ropes?

I was thinking about this again tonight and then started to amuse myself by announcing on my own weight loss effort.  I played both partners in the conversation.  It sounded a bit like the announcers that report on the gymnastics competition.

“Mary, we know her objective is to eat 60 to 80 grams of protein a day.  Frankly, can she hit that mark with the eating routine she has planned?”

“Well, Mary, she is a bariatric patient.  On the surface, her degree of difficulty overall is a bit low with the added advantage of having the surgery, but let’s not forget this important point…”

(Mary One’s ears perk up about an important point.)

(Mary Two continues)  “…. If she doesn’t execute effectively early in the day, she has no chance to make up her score later on.  She simply doesn’t have room for error — or room for extra food in the stomach — to risk not meeting her nutritional goals early in the program.”

Later on in the day, our competitor has veered away from her food plan at lunch, due to an abundance of baked goods showing up in the kitchen at work, shared by another department.  The commentators weigh in.

“Ohh, no.  A  chocolate chip cookie!  Tell me, Mary, can she recover from her slip or is that the end of her medal dream?”

“Well, Mary, overall this was a minor bobble in an otherwise strong routine.  If she can pull off the other elements of her program, she might be able to overcome any deductions.  Let’s see… here’s her final snack for the evening and. . . and . . . she stuck the finish.  Excellent!”

Like I said, I’ve been watching a lot of the Olympics.  Maybe too much if I’m having sports commentary conversations in my head.   That said, I need to remember that one slip doesn’t necessarily derail the entire effort.  If I stick to my regiment and plan, I will succeed.

Skye made a valid point in comments on yesterday’s post that we need different toolkits for different parts of our lives.  She then asked what is in my toolkit for eating better.  That got me thinking.  After all, if I don’t know what tools I need, which ones I have and which ones do what job, I can’t possible expect to fix, repair and prepare.

This is a different kind of toolkit.  It not only holds actual objects, but also emotional and mental ones.  So, what tools do I need to keep in my personal toolkit to succeed with my food plan and weight loss?  Let’s start with the whole eating right thing.  First of all, I need willingness.  First thing every morning before I even get out of bed, I need to reach for the willingness to follow my plan.

Wait, that’s the second thing.  The first tool is the plan.  Every day I have a plan, so I reach for the willingness.  Check.

Next, I need to have the right foods readily accessible in my house.  Time’s a very useful tool, as in getting up early enough to eat the planned-for breakfast and pack lunch and snacks to take to work.

Another useful tool is myfitnesspal.com where I can input my food for the day and track the nutrients, then input the exercise I do in the course of the day.

Lucky for me that the toolkit expands in size, because sometimes I need a thermal bag to transport my food or a small cooler for road trips.

Back on the emotional side and mental side of my kit with willingness, I put the tools of mental strength, self-awareness, and conscious thinking.   At any given time in any place, delicious food will be present.  The look, aroma, or memory of the taste can trigger a “want” craving.   Mental strength and conscious thinking can block the trigger before I reach for the food and put it in my mouth.

Self-awareness doesn’t belong in the tool kit.  It needs its own spot on my belt so that it is always within reach.  Knowing myself, my old patterns of eating, the familiar dance with food, my weak points and my strong suits . . . This self-awareness is key to me breaking those old patterns and establishing new, healthy behaviors and choices.  If you don’t know your own problem, you can’t begin to fix it.

My history in Overeaters Anonymous taught me a lot and provided me with a number of tools that help with the emotions, the understanding of myself as a compulsive overeater, and the steps to recovery.

How have I gotten this far and not listed the big tool that started me on the road to recovery?  The surgery!  My sleeved stomach is the most powerful physical tool in my arsenal!  While I’m working out all of the emotional stuff, building up my new behavior patterns and redefining my relationship with food and eating, the restricted stomach keeps me from eating too much.

The toolkit is getting crowded, but that’s good.  There’s still plenty of room.  Exercise is another great tool for developing the new, healthier lifestyle.  The willingness tool factors in here, too.  Then there are lots of other things that I’ve gathered.  Different exercise DVDs for variety, Zumba classes, Tai Chi, the pool.  The right footwear.  All of these tools help me sustain the exercising habit, hopefully forging it in such a way that it will stick.

This blog is a tool.  I don’t know if I’d be doing as well if I hadn’t decided to explore my life and journey in this way.  Working through the process by writing and sharing works wonders for me.

People are not things, so I’m not going to say that my friends and family are tools. That would just be wrong. However, I couldn’t do this without the loving support and encouragement I receive from everyone.  All of you belong in this group too.   Each person, in his or her own way, is part of my construction crew, helping me get this new life built.

So, let me keep the curiosity going.  What are you working on in your life and what’s in your toolkit to help you succeed?

Upfront disclaimer:  I’m super tired tonight.  I hope I don’t ramble or leave sentences half-finished.  Have you ever been so exhausted that you couldn’t string two coherent thoughts or sentences together?  I’ve been like that a couple of times this week.

I’m super busy at work.  It seems like I’m busier than I’ve been in a year.  This is sort of strange considering that I also now have an assistant for the first time in more than 10 years.  I was sort of mulling this over when I left work tonight as I rushed to make three stops and still get home in time to let out the dogs, feed them, change clothes and get to Zumba.  At one moment I thought, “I’m so busy.  Thank God I’ve lost weight and have the energy to get everything accomplished.”  Then I realized that, to some extent, I’m busier because I lost weight and have more energy.

I’ve always done my job well, been efficient and productive and accomplished a lot.  However, in recent years, it was harder to do what I needed because of my awful physical condition.  Everything — even walking across the grounds to another building for a meeting — took so much energy.  Having to go up stairs made me groan.  I’d sometimes have to give myself a little mental shake for motivation.   Now there is decidedly more pep in my step.  If I need to go to another building, or if I simply want to take a break from my desk for some fresh air — and to see dolphins — I go without second thoughts or misgivings.  Having an assistant take on some projects I’d normally do while we also come up with new things, is terrific.  Between that and my improved physical condition, I’m ready to take on the world — not to mention new endeavors.

When I got home, a Zappos box awaited me on my front steps.  After I failed to find cross trainer sneakers during my weekend shopping expeditions, I went back to Zappos and located a couple of likely pairs.  I looked at both and decided I liked the Asics better so I laced them onto my feet and headed out to Zumba.

What a difference!  My other sneaks are walking shoes so the tread is more pronounced and defined.   I’d noticed in Zumba that I wasn’t able to pivot smoothly or do some of the dance steps.  The cross-trainers have a smoother tread and a little circle on the sole.  These traits made it much easier and more comfortable for me to pivot and turn.  I had a great class!

From my feet to my chest, the right tools or the right fit can work wonders.  I mentioned that I had a bra fitting done over the weekend.  I’m wearing the new bras that I bought and enjoying big improvements in comfort, support and lift.  Honestly, the right bra is a life changer – or, at least, a definite silhouette changer.   Wearing the bra made me look like I’d dropped more pounds in my mid-section and chest.  Bonus!

Later at dinner with a good friend, I employed the tool of eating slowly.  (French Dip roast beef is a really good meal to practice this technique on, by the way.)  Take a small forkful, dip it in the juice, place in mouth, chew slowly, swallow.  Repeat process.  Eating this way made a big difference.  I ate less than half of the meat, one forkful of the roll, and two small onion rings.  I packed the rest of the meat into a to-go box and pushed away the plate.

Before I log off and trundle off to bed where I’ll no doubt conk out when my head hits the pillow, let me leave with this thought.  A well-stocked tool kit contributes a lot when you’re working hard to build a better life.

Whenever I went on diets in the past, I usually started out like gangbusters.  I could go for days, weeks, and sometimes, months with great results.  Then one day something would happen and, as if someone had turned the ignition switch in me from on to off, my motivation would evaporate and I’d begin to struggle.  Once the struggle started, it would steadily worsen and I just couldn’t get back on track.

This pattern always puzzled me.  You’d think that each successful day would serve as a building block for the next which would lead to a solid foundation on which I could continue to build.  Unfortunately, I acted more like a car starting out a journey with a full tank, but eventually the fuel for my effort ran out and left me stuck on the side of the road.

I need to keep the switch turned on now.  This is not a trip with a beginning and an end.  I need the motivation tank to have enough fuel to motor me through each day.  To borrow from Frost,  I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.

Look at the Olympic athletes.  How many lengths of the pool do you think Michael Phelps or Missy Franklin swim every day to keep in top form as they swim toward their goals, and their gold?  Maybe they wake up every morning and can’t wait to jump into the water and work.  Maybe, however, there are days when they wake up and think, “Oh God, just let me have one day when I don’t wear a bathing suit and immerse myself in chlorinated water. ”  I’m sure there are, but on those days I bet they get out of bed and go to the pool anyway.

Honestly, the solutions to a lot of the problems or previous behavior are relatively simple.  It doesn’t matter whether I want to stay on my food plan or if I feel like following it on any given day.  It only matters what I do and how I act.  After all, it isn’t possible for anyone else to flick my switch and kill my motivation.  I’m the one responsible for my behavior.

So, the takeaway message for me tonight is that even if I don’t want to stick to my plan, I’ll do it anyway.