Weighty Matters

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Unfocused and Unproductive

by Mary Stella

Ever since Wednesday, I’ve had problems focusing on tasks. I appear to either get distracted by outside forces or manage to distract myself. As a result, I feel unproductive in all areas of my life.

I loathe not being productive. It drives me crazy. I am an efficient, get-it-done person. This doesn’t mean that I can’t kick back and relax. I don’t need to be accomplishing tasks every second, minute and hour of every day. Au contraire, I can spend hours on a warm day lolling on my porch and reading a good book.

So what’s the difference? Why is it roiling me up and emotionally affecting me now? Simple. It’s because I’m not making the conscious choice to relax and let the world spin around without me. I feel like it’s somehow out of my control. That’s the danger zone. When I feel like some area of my life is not within my control, I generally see an increase in my eating impulses. It’s like when one thing’s off kilter, it drives the rest of my life out of balance, too. Or, when one thing’s off kilter, I feel like my life is out of balance which stresses me out and triggers the desire to eat.

Crazy stuff, huh? Conversely, I can have a dozen projects going at once, be in charge of keeping them moving and in balance, and that won’t stress me out in the least. When I set the projects in motion, I’m golden. Now, if someone else has put the plates on the wobbly poles and then made it my responsibility to keep them spinning, that’s different. Again — it’s the balance between what is mine to control and what isn’t.

None of this actually makes good sense to me. You’d think that if I had an area out of my control, I’d work harder to keep other areas in line and functioning according to plan. As I ponder this whole thing, I wonder if I have a knee jerk reaction, decide that lack of perfection is an unbearable character flaw, and then punish myself by compulsively eating.

This is really messed up thinking. Then again, nobody claimed that those of us with disorders are the last bastions of rational thought at all times. Nor do I pretend that rational thought and rational behavior go hand in hand anyway.

So for right now, today, I’m trying to mitigate the damage. I’m telling myself that it’s okay for me to once in a while be unfocused and ~~unproductive~~. Okay, I can’t accept that completely. Unfocused and not-quite-as-productive-as-I-usually-am will have to do. My life is not going to crash and burn. The sky will not fall. All is and will be well. I’ll get to that “being well” part sooner if I resist the urge to let my eating disorder pile on the pressure. I really don’t have to inappropriately eat over the whole thing.

A Little Nostalgic

by Mary Stella

First off, today’s been better. I was able to release the stress and, overall, have a much better day. Two friends and I had lunch together at work. Sounds simple, but sometimes our schedules are all over the place and we can’t synch up long enough to sit down and eat at the same time. I’m glad that it worked out today.

Throughout the afternoon I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have really good friends. When I got home and opened my mailbox, I took out a letter with a return address that immediately made me think even more about friendship. The letter was from a woman whom I call Aunt Lucy even though we aren’t related. She was my mother’s best friend. They went to nursing school together. They served as Army nurse cadets on a reservation on the West Coast when they were 20. They were in each other’s weddings. Over the decades and many, many miles apart, they never lost touch.

Back in 1995, my brother, sister-in-law and I planned a surprise party for Mom’s 70th birthday. Even though Aunt Lucy and Uncle Jake lived in California and we were in New Jersey, we sent them an invitation. The night we received a positive R.S.V.P., I almost cried I was so happy. I knew this would be the most fantastic present for Mom. Three years later, when Mom was so ill, it broke my heart to call Aunt Lucy and tell her the sad news that her lifelong friend’s condition was terminal. They came East to see her and also to visit Lucy’s sister in Virginia.

In the years since Mom’s passing, we haven’t seen each other, but we’ve always exchanged Christmas cards. Actually, Aunt Lucy always penned a holiday letter for all of their friends. I loved reading them over the years when I was growing up and continued to love the tradition as an adult. This year, she didn’t get it done for Christmas, so she turned it into a Valentine’s Day card, dotted with colorful little hearts. Two typewritten pages caught everyone up on her activities. Jake passed away a couple of years ago but Lucy remains active at her retirement community and in her church. Her sons, daughters, and many grandchildren are spread out all over the country but it sounds like she travels at least a few times a year to see them here and there. I hope that when I’m 88 or 89, I’m half as active and able. I sure as heck hope that I’m sharp enough mentally to write a two page letter!

As always, she included a handwritten note at the end of her typed all-purpose letter. She mentioned my weight loss and my precious dogs — having seen the photos on my holiday card. She spoke of Mom and asked after my brother and his family, my aunts and theirs. She said that she’d love to hear more about us.

Before she signed up with her love, she said how much I look like my Mom and that she thinks it’s wonderful.

This whole letter just filled up my heart with emotion and love. I know how much Aunt Lucy and her friendship meant to my mother for more than 50 years. After walking the dogs and eating dinner, I sat down and wrote back a long letter to her, giving her more news about me and my family. In her handwritten message to me, she’d said how good it was to get my card and know that I still remember her. I wanted her to know that I not only remember her, but that she also has a very special place in my heart.

The letter is sealed, addressed, stamped and ready to go. Now I’m feeling quite nostalgic. I’m thinking about the years of friendship she and Mom shared. I’m also thinking about the friends in my life that I’ve known for ten, twenty, thirty, forty, even fifty years.

I feel so blessed right now tonight. If I’m still alive in 30 plus years and still in touch with any of them, imagine how blessed I’ll feel then!

My Olympic Musings

by Mary Stella

I usually love opening ceremonies of Olympic Games. For some reason I’m having trouble focusing on the ones showing tonight from Russia. I keep getting distracted and then pulled back because I hear something completely wrong. For example, I was sure the announcer said, “150 bald guests have joined the dance”.

Instead I’m entertaining myself right now thinking of some events I’d like to try. Not having a death wish nor a desire to injure myself to the point of incapacitation, I think I’d need some help with some of them. In no particular order, I’d like to try:

Ski Jump — Providing they could rig it up with some harnesses and safety lines like they use on novices trying trapeze. Oh, and some kind of soft landing, please.

Bobsled — They already make them for two people, so I’d just need an experienced buddy to do the important, skilled tasks like steering and braking. I just want to experience zooming down the course.

The fact that I’m giving even a fleeting, “It would be really cool to try bobsledding just once” thought will no doubt surprise anyone who knows me. I’m not a big thrill seeker. For example, I honestly don’t have any desire to try an elaborate, mega-steep, super fast roller coaster.

You know, with practice, I could actually do the biathlon. I cross-country skied once back when I was 18 and my older brother lived a year in Colorado. Mom and I flew out to visit him and we went cross-country skiing. Let me tell you, it was hard work considering that I wasn’t in good shape, we were at a far higher elevation than I was used to and I was still a smoker. I bet I’d not only be better at it now, but I’d also enjoy it more. The high point of that long ago experience was meeting John Denver’s wife Annie. Back to the biathlon, I also already know how to handle a rifle although, granted, I’ve never done so on skis in snow. Minor point.

Even in good shape and at my lighter weight, I don’t want to ice skate. We used to skate when we were kids. Let’s just say that I was much, much better on roller skates than thin metal blades. (Allow me to digress: One of my early career aspirations was to compete on a roller derby team. Don’t ask me why I came up with that dream. I have no idea.)

I was the goalie of my high school field hockey team. I bet I could do it for a woman’s ice hockey team, but I sort of like the idea of keeping my teeth.

Downhill or slalom skiing? Hmmm. Not so much. I used to ski on a regular basis up to my college years. Honestly, the older I got the more I preferred hot laced drinks at the bar after we left the slopes.

Looks like I’ve narrowed it down. Bob sled, ski jump, biathlon. Let’s go. Who’s with me?

Is it possible that I really am turning into one of those “live on the edge” types? ;-D

What event would you like to try?

Body Matters General Musings

Biggest Loser Winner and CVS

by Mary Stella

For the last couple of days I’ve seen lots of press and social media posts about two things: How skinny the winner of the Biggest Loser looked on the finale and that CVS announced they will stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products.

Both of these topics have triggered reaction, that’s for sure.

I didn’t see all of the Biggest Loser finale on Tuesday night. I was so tired that I set it to record on DVR and went to bed early. So, I didn’t actually see the woman who won until her picture started appearing on Facebook. Wow. She sure as heck did lose a lot of weight! I’m of two minds about the results. On the one hand, she wanted to change her life from one of morbid obesity and while so doing, she wanted to win the competition. Obviously she succeeded. On the other hand, sweet goodness, she went from morbidly obese to downright skinny in a few months. Is she too skinny? Is she now an unhealthy weight? Maybe. Overall, what you and I think doesn’t matter. Determining what’s enough weight loss and what’s too much is up to her and her medical advisors. Also, even if she isn’t a healthy weight now, she was a fierce competitor and she wanted to make sure that she lost a greater percentage of body weight than the other two guys. Now that she’s won, if she wants to put back on a few pounds, she can.

Whether it’s a participant on a weight loss reality show or someone else who has had bariatric surgery, I have resolved to not judge their journeys. It honestly is not my place to assess what they’re doing and decide whether what they’re doing or have done is right. If I go down that road, then I’m no longer assessing the reality of their situations, I’m making a judgment based on what I think. Their journey or their goals and what paths they travel to get there, are honestly none of my business. I have more than enough on which to focus with my own journey, goals, and paths. They can take care of themselves.

When it comes to CVS, I applaud this gutsy decision to deep six tobacco products. I always found it ironic that you could walk to the back of the local CVS for the medications to help when you’re sick and then at the front pass by the shelves of cigarettes, guaranteed to wreck your health. I hate cigarettes and smoking. I regret that I ever smoked and celebrate the fact that I quit. I don’t get obnoxious about it with friends who still smoke. There’s an ashtray reserved for them on my porch. They understand that there’s no smoking allowed in my house. I also don’t do things like exaggeratedly wave my hands in front of my face when I walk by people smoking. I don’t fix them with my most effective death glare. Smoking cigarettes is a personal choice. I don’t lecture them about the consequences.

If anyone asks me what my mother died from, I’ll likely say lung cancer and strokes caused by her 50 year addiction to cigarettes. That’s the reality of it and it makes me sad every day. When she was alive, and before her cancer diagnosis, we shared the family home up in New Jersey. Mom and I had an understanding. If she needed something from the store, I would happily run out and get it for her — except for cigarettes. I absolutely refused to buy cigarettes for her. That was something she had to get on her own.

I used to shop in CVS a lot more frequently. They had my monthly prescriptions on file so I ran in at least once a month to refill. It was also my store of choice to pick up snack foods when I didn’t want to go to a full supermarket. Once I got off of all my prescriptions a little more than a year ago, and since don’t do a lot of snack foods anymore, I have a lot less need for CVS. There’s also a Walgreens a block away. Believe it or not, the new announcement has inspired me to shop CVS more frequently. I might even look for excuses to go. As long as they maintain the “no smoking” policy, I want them to succeed. I don’t want them to lose their other, residual product sales as a result of the tobacco products ban. Shopping there more often is a way to positive reinforce them for their bold move.

Would love to hear your thoughts and comments on either of these topics!

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

Keeping Off the “See-Food” Diet

by Mary Stella

I can’t emphasize this point enough with myself. Stay mindful. It is incredibly easy to fall off the food plan wagon in an instant if I don’t stay vigilant. I’ve done mostly great since returning from my cruise and been really happy that I continue to lose weight, but I also saw that I was giving into impulse when around foods that are not on my plan.

I went to friends’ for a Super Bowl Party. There were a lot of different foods set out and I wanted to taste almost all of them. That’s okay, as long as I do it mindfully without stuffing in the food faster than I can think about what and how much I’m putting in my mouth.

Oddly enough, it is more difficult for me to refrain from compulsive eating or snacking at home than it was when I was on the cruise. That sounds surprising because there is so much food available all of the time on a cruise ship. However, and this is a big however, it is only available in the restaurants. So, out of sight, out of reach and, mostly, out of mind.

Here at home, food is as accessible as my kitchen and fridge. At work, we have a kitchen and people love to leave out treats and snack foods. Sometimes just seeing food out triggers a “want” in my head. That’s where the vigilant mind comes into play. “Want” is not “Need”. “Want” is not “Should Eat”.

I do not want to slip up and halt my terrific momentum. I’ve talked before about hating to write down my food, but I know it’s a very helpful tool. The goal is to be willing to write it down in the morning, before I eat, rather than rely on logging it after my meals. It’s a good way to stay mindful. If the food isn’t on my list, then the choice is simply to not eat.

The smart phone makes it easy. I can do this either in myfitnesspal or on the Notes feature. I chose Notes today. Breakfast – a fruit/protein smoothie. Mid-morning snack: granola/sunflower seed mix. Lunch: Egg salad on baby lettuce with two small toast crips. Mid-afternoon snack: apple slices with natural peanut butter. Dinner: Lentil soup and salad. Evening snack: Greek yogurt.

I packed my day time snacks and lunch so I’m prepared at work. I feel strong and confident that I can stick with this food plan today and not give into the “See food – eat it” compulsion.

My takeaway from this is that it is always important to protect and nurture my recovery. I have to keep using the tools even when I’m rolling along. Sometimes it might feel easier but it never really is easier. Ongoing success requires ongoing work.

General Musings My Progress NSVs The Past is the Past

Cruise Days Six and Seven – At Sea

by Mary Stella

On the Friday and Saturday of the cruise, we were at sea making our way from St. Maarten back to Fort Lauderdale. I was never bored! The entertainment company that put together this cruise loaded it with activities. I walked and exercised every morning, ate mindful breakfasts, and then after showering and dressing went non-stop through the day. Game shows to watch, more interviews and panels with performers, line dancing classes . . . you name it. If it was available to attend and enjoy, I did it. The few times when there were gaps, I usually ran into someone I’d previously met or done an excursion with and could sit down and chat for awhile.

Friday I went to a songwriters’ panel featuring The Warren Brothers. Even if you don’t know any other of the vast number of hit songs they’ve written or co-written, you might be familiar with Red Solo Cup. According to them, it’s the dumbest song they’ve ever created. Maybe so, but it was a big hit for Toby Keith and they’ve made great money on their royalties. As a writer, I loved hearing them talk about their process. It’s fascinating. It was also quite amazing to find out just how many wonderful songs that I love came from these brothers. Mega-talent in the two of them, that’s for sure. I also enjoyed hearing them perform their own music. They played another show late on Saturday, too. That included a big sing along with all of us in the audience on Red Solo Cup. Lots of fun.

Friday night was the Gatlin Brothers time to shine on the main stage. Unfortunately, Larry had come down with a cold and wasn’t able to sing at his peak level. He has a wonderful tenor voice and the three brothers sing in beautiful harmony with each other. I sure hope it isn’t 15 years before I hear them sing again. Speaking of colds, I could feel myself coming down with one too. Larry had joked about getting his cold from Vince Gill. He apologized to anyone he might have hugged and passed on the cold too. I was one of the people he hugged, so I’m claiming that at least my germs are star quality.

After the Gatlin Brothers, I went to the late show by Anita Cochran. She is truly outstanding. I gave my contact info to her friends in case they get down to Key West. Performers Ty Herndon, Andy Griggs and Jamie O’Neal were also at her show, supporting their friend. That’s very cool! After her performance was over, they all ran up to the Lido Deck for the All Star outdoor jam session. I’m sure it did me no good health-wise to sit outside in damp air (sporadic rain drizzle), but the show was awesome! Different musicians flowed on and off stage, joining together to perform classic rock and country. Warren Brothers, Wade Hayes, Bryan White, Ty Herndon, Andy Griggs, Jamie O’Neal, Anita Cochran, guys from Restless Heart – all jamming on songs by the Rolling Stones, Tom Petty, Journey, Loretta Lynn and others. It was an amazing experience!

I’ve sort of jumbled the days together in this post. Sorry for that, but I was so involved in all that the cruise offered that I ran the recollections together in my journal too! One thing that I did keep thinking during the whirlwind two days is that I can remember vacations in the past when I’d get busy and involved and sort of blow off whatever food plan or diet I was trying to follow. It’s like I gave myself permission to go crazy. This time around, I was really pleased that I didn’t go “hog wild”.

I continued to practice mindful eating, even cutting portions in half and pushing the half that would be too much away to the edge of my plate. I noticed that I am still always tempted by bread and rolls. These honestly are useless carbs. They fill my stomach without providing a bit of nutritional benefit. Honestly, if I’m going to eat something that doesn’t rack up great nutritional benefit, I’d rather pick something better tasting and more satisfying like really good chocolate. By the way, every night at dinner, I ordered dessert. (They don’t come in large portions on ships.) Even then I didn’t finish the entire thing, but had enough bites to make me happy.

This must be how “normal” people eat, I say with a joking smile on my face. I don’t mean to make myself sound abnormal. Perhaps I should say that it’s how people who don’t have eating disorders and food issues usually eat. It appears to be a learnable skill, even after decades of compulsive overeating. That, my friends, is even more reason to celebrate.

Body Matters General Musings

Cruise Day Five – St. Maarten Sailing

by Mary Stella

I hope that the travelogue-ish posts aren’t boring all of you. Inside each day I feel that I learned something more about myself, something pertinent to my recovery efforts, or at least something relevant to where I’ve been, where I am or where I’m going.

On the fifth day of the cruise, we arrived in St. Maarten. You might have noticed that I like excursions that involve water and boats of any kind. For the day I’d signed up for the America’s Cup Regatta trip. I thought this meant that they would put us on a sailboat and race us around for awhile. I was pretty excited when I realized on my morning walk that we had a nice wind blowing and the conditions would be great for a sail. Oh the excursion was so much more than I expected. It turns out they would split the group of 30 people into two teams of 15, put each team on its own sailboat and then have us race each other! Psych!

On this excursion, we were joined by singer-songwriter Anita Cochran, Suzanne Alexander from the Great American Country television channel, and a couple of their friends. Nice women. We chatted in line before getting to the tender boat that would take us to the sailing vessels. A couple of them have a trip planned for the Keys so I gave them my contact info later in the cruise in case they want to visit the dolphins where I work.

It turns out that I was on a different sailboat — True North — and they were part of the team sailing Stars and Stripes. Trash talking ensued when we were on the boat going out to the sailing vessels. (Ok, I might have instigated some of the trash talk but everybody else on the excursion quickly got into the spirit and the good natured teasing. Someone on one team or the other would say something smart alecky and everyone would laugh.)

We were asked if we wanted an active job, a semi-active job or a not-so-active job. Does it surprise any of you that I wanted an active job? I was assigned the role of being one of the primary grinders. On the vessel we had to work the four person cranking gizmo that raised, tightened or let out the foresail. There were two experienced crew members and a captain who gave us instruction and cued us when to get set, which direction to crank, and when to start and stop. Other people on the team had jobs like main grinders, time keeper, winch wenches, etc. All of us had parts to play to race the boat.

It was exciting, fast, beautiful, and hard work! Lots of arm and shoulder effort to work those cranks, let me tell you, but we were up to the challenge. The race went for five legs and, toward the end, Stars and Stripes was coming on fast, but we squeaked out a victory. Talk about exhilarating! Everybody on both vessels talked about how this was one of the best excursions ever.

We met up after in the ship’s store. As badly as we’d all trash talked before the race, we were gracious in victory, realizing that everybody worked freaking hard and gave the race their all. Anita told us we all better come to her show because she would definitely talk about the race. However, she joked that if we came in making the L sign on our foreheads for Loser, the rest of the audience might think we meant her music. I assured her that, for all that I am an inveterate smart ass, I would never disrespect her or any performer on stage.

Later that night, she performed with Ty Herndon. Great music and performances! I was behaving myself, applauding their performance, when Ty mentioned that Anita had spent the day racing sailboats. Someone from my team way on the other side of the lounge yelled out that she’d been on the losing boat! Anita said, “I thought we weren’t going to go there, Mary.”

Ack! Blamed when I was being so good. Caught up in the moment, I jumped up defended myself. Ty announced that he’d lost all control of his show and the rest of the audience laughed. I saw Anita afterwards and she pointed out that she couldn’t actually see our faces but shouldn’t have assumed. It was a pretty funny moment.

At dinner that evening, I’d sat with a half a dozen other people including two friends who were traveling together, a married couple from Oklahoma, and a woman I’d seen earlier at line dancing class. We were all talking about the excursions we’d done and I mentioned the sailing. This lead to a discussion of other excursions on other trips and I talked about ziplining and hiking the crater in Hawaii. One of the women asked, “Have you always lived life on the edge?”

It was such an interesting perspective from someone who didn’t know me and knew nothing of my history. I liked the image of being seen as an adventurous woman. I decided to share just a little bit. I told her that no, I had not always lived this way and that, to be honest, two years ago I couldn’t have done any of these activities because of my obesity. “So now you’re making up for lost time?” she asked.

I don’t know that I’ve thought of it that way, friends, but as soon as she asked I realized that, to large extent, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Making up for lost time and making the most of every opportunity.

The late show that night was by Wade Hayes. I remembered his hit songs from several years ago, but hadn’t heard much about him in recent years. I was surprised when he talked about being a medical miracle and said that it was, indeed, a miracle that he was alive. It turns out that in 2012, he was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer that spread to his liver. Multiple surgeries and chemo treatments helped him battle and he survived. He was only 42 with no history of this cancer in his family! I was incredibly touched by his story and loved his new song Live Your Life.

I truly feel like I’ve received a lot of important reminders and life affirmations on this cruise. More than just being entertained and having fun, I’m taking in these messages and this energy. I want to internalize them so that they enhance and contribute to my commitment to recovery. I want to keep living my best life, every single day.

Body Matters General Musings NSVs

Cruise Day Four – Mindful Eating and San Juan

by Mary Stella

I slept in and missed the morning Wellness Program but still took a good four-five laps around the promenade deck to make up the steps. I’ve focused on mindful eating (reading that again in my journal reminds me that I still need to do this all of the time, whether at home or out) which means that I stop before I eat, close my eyes and remind myself to eat slowly, chew thoroughly, and stop eating when I’ve had enough. Doing this demonstrated to me that it is indeed possible to be satisfied with one small waffle and two skinny sausage links. Yes the waffle is just a carbohydrate and I had a little bit of syrup on it, but I figured that I would more than compensate with the one hour line dancing lesson. Besides, after my deck walk, I’d skipped the elevator and taken the stairs to the buffet restaurant — up six decks!

I believe it’s obligatory to play Bingo at least once when cruising, so I did. Lost but had fun, which was also pretty much my reaction to my less-than-successful visits to the ship’s casino. After Bingo, I ran over to the line dance lesson. Then I went down several flights of steps to take my cowboy boots back to my room. I then went up four flights again to grab a light salad, again eating mindfully. (At this point, those waffle calories were definitely gone!) We were pulling into port in San Juan, Puerto Rico which is an American territory. So, for the first time since leaving Ft. Lauderdale, I turned on my phone and did a quick check of personal email and Facebook. I did not, however, check my work voice mail.

I’d taken my salad outside to the sundeck since it was such a pretty day. On my way to get more water, I ran into country start Jo Dee Messina. In her concert she’d shared that she and her siblings are caring for their ill mother. She’s very nice and we ended up chatting about being caregivers to our parents. I also ended up giving her and her husband a quick tutorial in QR codes and how she could use them in her Facebook marketing. (Yes, you can take me away from work but you can’t take marketing instincts out of my brain. If her soon-to-be-released album has a QR code on it, you’ll know why. 🙂 )

My excursion for San Juan wasn’t scheduled until 3:50, so I simply sat in the sun for awhile, writing in the journal and reflecting on what I terrific time I was enjoying so far. It’s like I carried around this little bubble of happiness. I was having fun and also feeling incredibly good about myself, my eating, my activity level, and everything else.

I had this big realization while sitting on that deck. Nobody on this cruise knew me as a super obese woman. I’m not sure why, but that wowed me. It was both exciting and cool to think about it, even if I’m not exactly sure why it tickled me so much. Maybe it was the complete absence of lingering shame. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t doing any of my leftover projecting. Whatever the case, it was extremely freeing.

When it was time to gather for the excursion, I got in line with everyone else and just started meeting the people I’d be with for the next several hours. We’d signed up to go on a night kayaking trip to the bioluminescent bay. To get there we had to first take a 90 minute bus ride from the ship. This meant we had lots of time to get to know each other. I first met a 30-something year old woman named Emily. Since she was also a solo traveler, we paired up to paddle together in the two-person kayak. This cruise was filled with lots of friendly, interesting people. Emily is a project manager for construction companies and had recently quit her job to return to school. her goal is to work for nonprofit organizations, preferably Habitat for Humanity.

Also on the bus was Dave, a sound engineer for the Gatlin Brothers. The three of us talked a lot.

Kayaking at night was fun and I was thrilled beyond measure to discover that I no longer have the slightest bit of discomfort sitting in a kayak. My legs used to go numb after a while, but not anymore. My body has strengthened even more in the last year than I realized, at least for kayaking. We paddled out through a mangrove channel to get to the bay. Emily and I cracked jokes, sang river and water songs, and I did my impression of narrators for BBC nature shows. The bay itself was cool! Dinoflagellates in the water fire off a photon when disturbed — one sparkle of light per 24 hours. When you stick your hand in the water, or your kayak paddle, the water starts to glow. Not so great for pictures, but pretty to see.

The kayak trip took about 90 minutes and then we had another hour plus back to the ship. We were very late and missed most of the Vince Gill concert. As it was, we ran to the theater in our kayaking clothes. Thankfully, my bathing suit bottoms had mostly dried in the towel I’d wrapped around myself so they didn’t dampen my shorts when I pulled them on. I’m sure I looked like a sticky, salty hot mess, but we just stood in the back of the theater. If anyone gave us funny looks, I didn’t notice.

None of us had eaten any dinner to speak of so we went up to the buffet for the late night offerings. Seriously, if there is food put out, people will eat — even if they don’t normally show down at 11 p.m. when at home. A light snack satisfied me and we spent most of the time chatting some more before calling it a night.

Remember when I said I thought I’d work off the morning waffle? Well, before I went to bed, I looked at my FitBit. For the first time ever, I logged close to 21,000 steps in a single day! 21,000 steps plus 90 minutes of kayaking. Booyah to the nth degree!

Cruise Day Three – Snorkeling and Spirituality

by Mary Stella

Needless to say, after getting to talk with Larry Gatlin, I carried a glow with me throughout the day. We docked at Grand Turk in the Turks and Caicos on a beautiful, sunny but breezy day. I’d lugged my snorkeling gear and a wetsuit with me from home and looked forward to a trip to the reef. I am such a water girl, as we’ve established before, so it made perfect sense to disembark a huge ship to board a smaller one for a few hours.

I always enjoy snorkeling, but I have to say that I think our reef in the Florida Keys is prettier with more varieties of coral and many more species of fish. That said, I still had fun. I also saw some sizeable “flag” yellowtail that my fishing friends and I would be happy to have hit a hook back home.

After an enjoyable few hours, I returned to the ship a salty, sticky, happy mess. I cleaned up and hit the buffet for lunch, putting together a nice, healthy salad. My attitude and approach to food and eating were so great while on my cruise that I wish I could package them and access them whenever and wherever I need to make a food choice. Only a couple of days into the cruise and I began to think that I might be able to surpass the goal to not gain weight and actually lose some. I was incredibly willing to keep eating right and be as physically active as possible. That thought stayed with me every time I walked up several flights of steps to the upper decks for a meal or different activity. (Going down is, of course, a no brainer.)

Lunch completed, I walked upstairs to the Gatlin Brothers’ interview. They are blessed with a great gift of beautiful voices and rich harmonies. During the interview they spontaneously broke into a rousing rendition of America the Beautiful and had the entire room (A hundred or so people, I estimate) singing a long. Later on, they sang a gorgeous hymn.

This brings me to the second part of this post. I’m not sure if it was thinking about Larry’s long ago personal ministry to the people at Ashley, the joy of the Gospel Hour, or hearing so many different artists on the cruise profess their faith, but I found myself thinking a lot about God, faith, spirituality and where I am with all of it. The 12th Step of AA/NA/OA talks about spiritual awakening. I’ve always believed that means different things to different people, depending on where we, or they, might be in their lives.

I was born and raised Roman Catholic but once I aged past 16, my regular practice of my religion and attendance in church have been sporadic. I used to go through periods where I’d attend church regularly but the years of not going are far more numerous. Yet, I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, even if I couldn’t tell you exactly what I believe the Holy Spirit to be. An essence, perhaps, but not a personage. I’m not much for the rules of the church, but when I go I behave in accordance with them. For example, I grew up learning that Catholics do not take Communion without first going to Confession and doing penance.

I pray. I try not to ask God for too much beyond the Serenity Prayer pleas for acceptance, courage and wisdom. I ask Him to help me in my efforts to be a good person, to do good in this world. If friends or family of friends are sick or need support, I’ll say a prayer for them. Most of my prayer time is devoted to being grateful for all of the blessings and lessons in my life. That’s something that I started doing the year that my mother was so sick and dying. Every night I found five things for which to be grateful. No matter how bad the day had been, or what challenges we faced, I was determined to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Doing this got be through the worst days and helped me sleep with more ease, then get up the next day at least able to put a foot in front of the other and keep moving.

So with this spiritual awakening on the ship, I found myself wanting to connect to something greater than myself and to be part of a bigger picture. I saw on the daily schedule that Mass was scheduled for half an hour before dinner. I haven’t been to Mass in years, other than for a funeral, but I felt called to go. It was held in the Northern Lights room which I’m pretty sure is usually some sort of lounge or private party room. On the ship, this room was located near the casino. Before they closed the outer doors, the bells and clangs of slot machines came through. Strange or not, I wanted to be there. My heart felt full and I felt more connected, as I’d hoped.

The 12th Step talks about carrying the message of the steps to others and to practicing the principles in all of our affairs. I thought about what that meant to me. The spiritual awakening I experienced on the cruise showed me that I can continue to work on being a better, kinder person. Not that I don’t already try to be good and kind, but I know there are times when I am impatient, snarky and selfish with my time. I resolved to keep practicing the life lesson I got more than 20 years ago and be more generous in heart and spirit to others.

It’s a good goal and one that rewards even while it engenders more giving. When I first went to OA, there were a lot of us who didn’t understand how the 12th Step helped us with eating disorders. I’m not sure that I can make a point to point correlation, but I believe it goes back to the larger connection. Overeating is often an attempt to fill empty spaces, to make up for something that we feel is lacking. Expansion of spirit, in whatever way it happens, fills empty spaces from within. The 12 Steps are good guidelines for living a life of honesty, integrity, and kindness toward ourselves and to others. Working on those principles leaves a lot less room for the diseased thinking to take hold and manifest itself in diseased behavior like overeating.

For what it’s worth, I’d like to keep this spiritual awakening awake for as long as possible.