Weighty Matters

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Jun 30

Seven Day Effort

by Mary Stella

My regular schedule at work runs Monday through Friday, so Mondays always feel like I’m starting anew. Or like I’m starting over. Or something. They just never feel like I’m simply continuing on the next day of my progressive journey. Consequently, Fridays usually feel like the end of a week’s worth of work, not only in my job, but also in my health and weight loss journey. I constantly have to remind myself that my efforts don’t stop with my work week.

I’m not always successful with those reminders. My pattern is usually to think that I can give myself a couple of days off and then pick up again and go full speed ahead on Monday.

I’m working on this because, if I don’t I begin to feel like I make progress a few days forward and then take two steps back. This is not to say that I believe one has to diet every single day of one’s life, but it is also a very good idea not to go hog wild every weekend.

So, it’s a mindset that I’m working on. I’m attempting to learn when I can cut myself a little slack — or to what degree — without creating a weight gain that will then take me a few days to knock off, thus delaying the overall forward progress. I did pretty good this weekend. Friends and I went on a day trip on Saturday into the Everglades. We stopped for healthy snacks and lunch items to take with us. We took a trail walk. There were pig frogs, but no pigging out. Yes, I said pig frogs — unseen but definitely heard with their rhythmic grunts. I like saying pig frogs, can you tell? Okay, back on track — I did not pig out, free fall off of the wagon or go crazy. Yesterday, I got out for a bike ride, did some additional errands both outside the home and in it. A friend and I went out to dinner. All in all a good couple of days.

This means that today, Monday, I did not feel like I had to pull myself up, shake myself off and get back down to business. It really felt like another in the line of “one day at a time” progression. I like when I can feel a little matter-of-fact about the journey. It’s good for me to take a look at Monday morning as a “just another day, just get to it” experience.

General Musings

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Jun 26

Quieting Mind Chatter

by Mary Stella

I touched on this the other day but thought I’d expand on it a bit, mostly because it does me a lot of good to explore the realizations. I think it helps me integrate them more into my recovery. It also speaks to the clarity of mind that I’m experiencing that I recognize the things I’m realizing.

It’s Thursday night and I’ve been clean with my food for four days straight. I’m not white-knuckling it which means that I’m not constantly struggling against the compulsion. I’m not locked into a battle where I constantly want food and have to just as constantly tell myself, “No!” When those battles erupt, my mind is damned noisy with the conflict between recovery and relapse as I use my head to fight the behavior of compulsive overeating. Those fights are mentally and emotionally exhausting and very wearing on my spirit. The push-pull creates an almost constant tension.

Getting clean of the compulsion quiets the mind chatter, releases the tension and reduces stress. Picture a tug-of-war when everybody lets go. Instead of the rope being stretched between the two teams, it just drops and lies limply on the ground — no tension.

So, in addition to feeling better physically because I’m not messing up my stomach by eating the wrong things or eating more than my stomach can comfortably handle, I’m able to relax mentally. My emotions even out, too, because I’m not beating up on myself or fretting about the relapse behavior.

Relaxation lets me recharge and create more energy. Emotional respite engenders happiness. Happiness motivates me to do positive action. When I’m down in a relapse, I don’t want to exercise. I find it easy to talk myself into hitting the snooze button instead of getting out of bed at 6 a.m. to do some sort of fitness activity. That’s a whole different sort of mind chatter, sort of like: “Time to get up!” “Ugh. Don’t wanna.” “You should get moving, go ride the bike.” “I’m tooo tired.” “You’re being a lazy slug.” “Yep. Zzzzzz.”

In addition to the clean eating, I’ve also exercised every one of the last four mornings. I stopped arguing with myself and got out of bed when the alarm went off. On Monday and Wednesday, I road my bike for 40 minutes before work and then walked the dogs. On Tuesday and and this morning, I walked the dogs for 40 minutes. I also did Tai Chi class last night and have done at least some Tai Chi foundation moves each day.

There is a strong correlation between the physical relapse of overeating, the noise in my mind, and the messiness of my emotions. It stands to reason then that the connection between clean eating, a quiet mind, and uncluttered emotions would be equally strong. Tonight, I relish the peaceful, easy feeling and embrace it as a way to set myself up for more success tomorrow.

General Musings

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Jun 24

Two Days’ Progress

by Mary Stella

I wrote yesterday’s Just for Today post yesterday morning. It’s now almost bedtime tonight. I’ve had two good days.

48 hours don’t represent a huge amount of time in a life, but when you’re struggling on the tightrope of recovery, trying not to tumble into relapse, each day matters. Remember, it’s the whole “One Day at a Time” approach.

I’ve kept clean with my food plan — planning and preparing what foods I would eat each day and when. Each day I woke up, repeated the Serenity Prayer and reinforced my plan to say no to compulsive eating. Delivering pep talks to myself helps a lot too. I kept telling myself that I can do this, as you saw with yesterday’s post and all of the “Just for today” reminders.

A couple of times, I had minor bouts of “white knuckling” when I was really tempted to eat off of my plan, but I worked through them and stayed the course. A few moments ago as I watched television I reflected on how I’m blessedly free of compulsion tonight. I’m not obsessing over food. I’m not beset my the desire to eat — either with physical hunger or mental hunger. Not getting constantly hammered by the eating compulsion eases my stress. Less stress further reduces the ill effects of the eating disorder. This all helps me line myself up for another successful day tomorrow.

The mindset has greatly improved. This spread over to me getting out of bed earlier the last two days and exercising more — a long bike ride yesterday and a good dog walk this morning. I’d fallen off of on my fitness too, so adding it back in further bolsters the overall efforts.

Yesterday I stayed in recovery. Today I stayed in recovery. I’m not declaring long term victory, but I am happy to say for the time being at least, I’m out of the relapse.

General Musings My Progress

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Jun 23

Just For Today

by Mary Stella

Just for today, I will stay vigilant against my compulsive eating.
Just for today, I will eat only the food items that I planned for and prepared.
Just for today, I will say “No” to myself if I start to think or act like I need something more.

Just for today, I will remind myself that nothing tastes as good as abstinence feels.
Just for today, I will remember the tools I’ve developed to successfully fight against my eating disorder.
Just for today, I will cultivate positive action, positive attitude, joyful spirit.

Just for today, I will remember that what I did in the past does not mean I will repeat the behavior in the future — unless it’s positive healthy behavior, of course. 🙂

Just for today, I will remember to foster good thoughts and not succumb to “stinking thinking”.
Just for today, I will treat myself with kindness, honor, respect and care.

Just for today, I will live in a state of recovery and not relapse.

You might be asking why I state these things, “Just for today”. It goes with the 12 Step Program approach of one day at a time. It helps me to focus and be aware of my choices and actions in the moment.

I can do all of these things and be successful today.

General Musings My Progress

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Jun 16

Foods That Make You Go Eww

by Mary Stella

I’m wrapping up the last of the trips I’d planned for the last several weeks. Two were pleasure – New Orleans in May and this trip up to see family and friends in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. One was business with that day of Disney included. I’ve enjoyed everything and spending time with people I love, but I’m ready to be home without travel for an extended period of time.

I had an evening flight last week so by the time I got to the airport, it was dinner time. Sadly, I’d screwed up and left my cheese wedges in my checked bag, so I got in a long line for one of the restaurants on the concourse. Standing in the slow moving line, I studied the posted menu. Famous hot dogs. Famous hot dogs with cheese. Famous hot dogs with cheese and chili. French fries plain or with the other toppings. Various burgers and cheeseburgers.

All stuff that, in the past, would have made me drool like a Pavlov dog. I could definitely be an adult with a teenage boy’s pallet and preferences. For a couple of seconds, my sensory memory stretched back in time and I thought of crunchy, greasy fries, gooey orangeish cheese, and artery-clogging, processed meat. My mind asked, “Just this once? What would it hurt?”

My stomach said, “Ewww. That shit’s gross.” I veered off to the refrigerated shelves and grabbed a container of yogurt instead. (I might have become a yogurt snob, by the way. While it was okay and a better choice than chili-cheese laden fries, it wasn’t the higher quality Greek yogurt and fruit to which I have become accustomed.) Sub-par yogurt or whatever, my stomach felt better, I felt more satisfied and, mentally, I could reinforce myself for making a good, healthy, appropriate eating choice instead of giving into a bad-food-choice impulse.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I never eat a crispy fry, burger, or even a hot dog, but there are times and places when these are of better quality. A crowded airport restaurant probably isn’t that quality option.

General Musings

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Jun 9

Embracing Triumphism

by Mary Stella

Just so you know, I went online to see if there’s an actual opposite word for defeatist. Most Google returns cited optimist. That doesn’t do it for me. One site suggested triumphist or triumphism. Those look a little oddball but they’re easier than victorist or victoryism. I like them. I hereby proclaim that I have a triumphist attitude. I embrace triumphism.

Adopting any attitude and putting it to work for me is a choice. I’m as capable of sinking low as anyone. Stuff bothers me. Emotions get complicated and messy. It’s often easy to throw up my hands and declare, “What’s the use?” It’s harder to say, “Nope, no matter what, I am not going to let this (whatever “this” is at the time) bring me down. I will not permit it to defeat me, derail my effort and keep me from my goals.

No lie, the last eight or nine days have been emotionally difficult. I didn’t go on a single roller coaster while at Disney World, but I feel like I’ve ridden one ever since. As a compulsive overeater, when my emotions thwack around like a silver ball in a pinball machine, I get unbalanced. For some reason, I believe, or have always believed in the past, that food settles me down. It anchors me, or so it feels like. What compulsive eating really does is drag me down like one of those old time ball and chain things attached to my ankle. It doesn’t uplift my spirit or brighten my outlook. Instead, that diseased eating unleashes a torrent of self-criticism which sets me on the path to that “What’s the use? I’ll never lose or keep off the weight.” That, in turn, creates such a defeatist attitude that I’m on my way to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Not any more. I’m learning to guide the roller coaster, not just ride it like a strapped-in passenger who has to finish the ride once it starts. I’m also learning, one day at a time, to fight off the compulsion which helps me stave off the self-criticism so that I can stay strong and determined in my triumphist state of being.

So, emotionally difficult time period and all, I’m not drowning. I’m riding the wave, keeping my balance, and riding the wave. Instead of criticizing, I’m acknowledging the self-care and the fact that I’m choosing healthier ways in which to deal. I’m reminding myself that bumps aren’t blockades. I can continue to make progress, one step at a time.

General Musings My Progress

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Jun 4

Post 600 – Keeping On

by Mary Stella

I wish I had something incredibly insightful to write about tonight, but to be completely honest, I’m exhausted physically, mentally and, for some reason, in my spirit too. The physical and mental exhaustion, I understand. After Disney I went to a business conference. It was terrific. I learned a lot, brought back new ideas to implement and investigate, networked with great people and also had a great time. We attractions people know how to have a good time, particularly when evening events are hosted by fellow attractions. However, as positive as each day was, I went non-stop from the time I woke up at 6:30 a.m. until I went to bed each night around 11 p.m. Full days of absorbing information and putting out mental energy just wipes me out. This all culminated with a seven hour plus drive home.

Explanation and understanding aside, I have no idea why my spirit is weary and I’m blue. Of course this all motivates my eating disorder to want to kick in and the struggle to not “binge” makes me even more tired.

What the heck am I going to do about it, you might ask? I’ve asked myself the same thing all day. I’ve decided to keep on keeping on. I feel overwhelmed right at this moment and when that happens, it’s constructive for me to go into “light a single candle” mode. I can’t do, fix, take on everything all at once, so I’m need to organize and structure everything into a “one thing at a time” plan.

First priority is making sure that my food stays nice and clean. When I’m weary, making a variety of food choices is challenging and also overwhelming, so keeping it simply and surrendering (KISS) helps a great deal. I have fruit, coconut water, greens and protein powder ready so I can go into smoothie/protein drink mode for a few days. Some might consider this restrictive, but for me simplifying the process and choices helps me. First of all, I feel like I’m treating myself with care and fostering good health for my entire system. This makes me feel better physically and mentally which should help me emotionally too. It also frees up brain energy. I don’t have to spend as much time thinking about food when I reduce the range of choices.

Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day and I just have to power through it. I can do it and then Friday will be significantly less jammed with meetings and so on. Again, the key is taking care of myself first so that I can better take care of my responsibilities. I can prioritize the work tasks and the other things on my plate for the organizations on which I serve. I just did that to some extent. Someone asked me to call them at 7 a.m. to discuss some things for one of those other organizations and I said no. I can give her time and energy in the evening but the morning has to be devoted to the job. Prioritization.

I guess that’s my insight for tonight. Care of self comes first. Everything else gets a figurative number and a place in line. I can’t do everything all at once but I can take care of each thing in its own time.

Hopefully this sensible, healthy approach will not only help me recover from the physical and mental exhaustion but will lift the spiritual malaise as well.

General Musings

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May 28

Eating Slowly

by Mary Stella

For most of my life, I’ve eaten quickly. While I stop short of shoveling in the food, I know that I still eat too fast. It’s a good suggestion to slowwww down. Chew thoroughly. Pause before delivering another forkful or spoonful of food to the mouth. It’s also part of mindful eating. When I eat more slowly, I pay more attention to what I’m eating, how it tastes, and how I feel as I eat.

I’m horrible at it. I do all the wrong things sometimes like eat while watching television. I’m better when I share a meal out but that’s because I’m more conscious of what I’m doing. Plus, I’m chatting with whomever is at the table with me.

It is difficult for me to figure out why eating slowly remains a challenging skill. Sometimes I think it goes back to the compulsion. We sneak eaters are like pickpockets — make the grab and quickly conceal the prize so we don’t get caught.

Anyway, it’s a very hard habit to break. It’s one more area, however, where the weight loss surgery is such an effective tool. Prior to surgery, when I ate too fast, I could easily eat more than I wanted or needed because the food was already ingested before my stomach transmitted the signal that it was full. Now if I eat too fast, my stomach immediately feels uncomfortable.

I don’t like being uncomfortable. My goal is to not put myself through that, nor do I want to risk eating too much. It is possible to stretch out the small pouch of stomach that remains. I plan to avoid that happening.

If I pay more mindful attention to my pace, I usually enjoy the meal more. It takes time to savor the flavors, the textures, even the aroma of good food. You miss a lot when you don’t let a lot of time lapse between plate and mouth. Eating slowly helps me to feel my satisfaction develop and reduces my eating disorder reflex to still want more. Not eating more when my mind tells me I really want to just creates unnecessary stress. I have to argue with myself to stay on track.

The contrary thing is that I know the techniques that help me eat slow. Knowing them and using them on a regular basis often prove to be two different things. So, once more I return to the basics. Look at my food and my eating one bite at a time for one meal at a time. Through that I can progress to eating slowly one day at a time. So, tomorrow is another day. I have a goal. Be mindful and slow in my eating for breakfast and build from that point on.

General Musings

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May 27

Choosing Not to Pig Out

by Mary Stella

One of the things that I continually reinforce to myself is that while I might have a compulsive eating disorder, ultimately, it is a choice whether to act with compulsion. This doesn’t mean that it’s easy to withstand when the compulsion hits. Often, depending on the circumstances, it’s downright hard and so quick that I feel like I eat before my brain even has a chance to slam on the brakes. However, there are other instances when I have time to think it through and make the healthy choice.

I hit an emotional low on Sunday. I felt lonely, sad, and angry. That’s an emotional soup that, in the past, would trigger a binge. I’m happy to say that I worked my way through it without bingeing. I chose to eat healthy and exercise. Yesterday I went to a morning Aquacize class and then attacked my “room of doom”, firing the first salvo against the impossible-to-navigate around clutter that I’ve created in there over the years. I made really great progress and now feel that I can continue the effort in easy stages.

As a treat last night, I went to see the new X-Men Then and Now movie. I really enjoyed it and the lingering shot of Hugh Jackman’s naked body was just an extra bit of awesome fun.

Through it all, I chose to not pig out. I ate healthy food in moderation. That’s a victory over disease.

I’m over the emotional low, and out of it came the realization that I need to make some positive changes in my social life. I don’t quite have a plan, but the recognition creates the intention and starts the process. However, the key thing is that I’m happy with myself today.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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May 25

Going Less Processed

by Mary Stella

The weather is absolutely beautiful here this weekend. I had planned to go out on my boat today and tomorrow. Unfortunately, yesterday when I went out to check steering and engines, I discovered that my batteries were pretty much dead. They don’t have enough juice to start the engines. I tried charging the starboard batteries overnight and even that was enough. I am so disappointed. There’s no way that my boat guy could come over and install four new batteries in time for my friends and me to go out on our snorkeling trip. Picture me pouting big time.

I’m trying to roll with it, of course. I woke up this morning and set out for a 15 mile bike ride. Along the way I dodged a black racer snake that was sunning on the bike path. I saw dolphins swimming through the cut when I was at the top of a small bridge. I also saw giant false eyelashes attached above the headlights of a car. Only in the Keys!

Today’s exercise endeavor comes after a day that I declared to be car-less. Everything that I needed to do yesterday I did either by walking or riding my bike. This amounted to about 12 miles of bike riding plus two or three miles of walking — a good day for sure.

I’m going to use my day to be productive, since I can’t go out on the boat. Not that I’m obsessing about being landbound. (Not much anyway. Quite.) I’m going to attack the cluttered room of doom. I figure if I can at least neaten and organize the mess, I can more easily start going through the piles and clearing through it all. It’s either that or rent a backhoe.

In the meantime, I’m choosing to eat more fresh foods right now and looking for opportunities to go less processed. A month or so ago, I wrote about making my own low fat bleu cheese salad dressing with 0% plain Greek yogurt. Today I got it into my head to mix up a fresh herb vinaigrette. I have a little planter box with rosemary, thyme, parsley, oregano and basil. I also had a small bottle of quince-infused vinegar that was all-natural with very little sugar. So, for my vinaigrette, I whisked together a minced shallot, two small minced cloves of garlic, finely chopped herbs, the quince vinegar, a little salt and pepper, and then extra virgin olive oil. The flavors combined into something yummy and I’m sure they’ll deepen as they spend more time mixed together.

Here’s how my concoction compares to a national brand of balsamic vinaigrette, according to that product’s incredient list: vegetable oil (canola and/or sobean oil, extra virgin olive oil); water; balsamic vinegar; distilled vinegar; sugar; salt; garlic; spice; xanthum gum; paprika (for color). I looked up xanthum gum. It’s derived from carb products and used as an addiive in many foods.

I’m feeling proud that I’ve produced something tasty that doesn’t have a bunch of unnecessary additives. It just has to be healthier for me, too. Tasty plus healthy makes me more inclined to eat salads, just because I can use the homemade vinaigrette. Don’t think I didn’t consider that fact.

It might be more convenient to grab the products off of the supermarket shelves, but I’m training my mind to not use convenience as an automatic fallback. I’ve been successful at this in a lot of areas, most specifically the great reduction in “fast foods”. I can’t even remember when I last bought anything at a McDs, BK or other competitor! Now their offerings don’t even appeal to me, so they don’t trigger the urge to eat. I hope that, as with many things, the more I practice seeking out less-processed alternatives to foods, the less the over-processed stuff will lure me. That’s the plan anyway.

Body Matters General Musings

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