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Here’s to Taking Care of Ourselves

Okay, I’m going to wave a banner, lead a cheer and completely urge everybody reading this to find one great thing that you can do for yourself this week. Pick something that you completely enjoy and that falls in the category of Good Self Care. Then go and do it.

I did some of that tonight by going for a massage. The massage therapist I use is A-Ma-Zing! She pays attention to energy in my body, where it’s blocked, what’s tightened, what needs to release, etc. A session with her is so much more than a head-to-toe rub down. She can tell if an issue is rooted in muscle, tendons or nerves.

Thanks to the work she did on me this evening, I have immeasurably better range of motion in my left shoulder than I’ve enjoyed in weeks. I can’t tell you how much time she spent on the nerves and muscles in my right leg but the flexibility is incredible. That’s my weaker, more arthritic knee and it feels ten years younger tonight. I also am not experiencing the phantom ache I’ve felt in that leg every evening for the last week or so.

Yes, caring for self is a wonderful, positive thing.

Now, some might argue that everything I do is caring for myself. Eating healthier, exercising, working on my eating disorder and food issues — the whole kit and caboodle. That’s a valid argument. However, I will argue that it is incredibly important to also add extras. The additional things we do for ourselves might be physically, emotionally or mentally good for us, but they’re also treats which boosts the emotional benefits. These acts of self-care are great positive reinforcement.

Bi-weekly manicures and a monthly pedicure are self-care for me, but I’ve come to think of them as essential and routine. I guess coloring the gray in my hair falls into this category, too. I’ve always considered massages and facials as “extras”. I’m starting to think that I should schedule them more on a regular, routine basis, too. Ooh, now here’s a slightly indulgent dilemma. If the extra self-care treats are turned in regular occurrences, do I then need to find myself new extras with which to treat myself? Hmmm. I’m sure I can figure out a few ways. 😉

What are a few ways that you can practice self-care this week? Take a bath, find some alone time to read, get a massage, a facial, your nails done? What can you do to reward yourself for just being you?

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Life Reboot

A brilliant friend of mine did a continuing ed course for us at work yesterday. In it she told the story of what she does if something about her computer doesn’t work. Whether it’s a software, hardware, internet connection problem or whatever, the first thing she does is reboot her system. Have you tried that? It’s amazing how often it works.

That happens with my smart phone, too. Things slow down, response crawls. An app stalls. I turn off the phone completely for a minute, turn it back on and the problem frequently resolves.

So, the thought of rebooting has been on my mind.

Also on my mind was a dream I experienced last night. Someone I know in town with whom I’ve previously had a conversation about weight loss surgery appeared in my dream as a contestant on the Biggest Loser. I ran into him at a local restaurant with two of the trainers from the show and he told them about my surgery and progress. They invited me to sit down and we chatted some more. They asked me if I could give one piece of advice for anybody losing weight, what would it be. In my dream I said, “Whether someone takes off the weight after bariatric surgery or through the extreme workouts and eating restrictions on your show, everybody has to understand that this isn’t a “sometime thing” and problem solved. Long term success requires a complete life reboot.”

See how everything tied together in my brain?

I know I’ve talked about this before but it’s coming up for me again and it feels like I have a slightly different perspective. This usually means that it requires me to focus on it and reinforce it in my brain. I have said all along that the weight loss surgery is only a tool and the rest of the work is what really matters. Today after both the course and the dream, I need to revise or refine that idea. Actually, now that I’m pondering this in the writing process, I have something to own.

The weight loss surgery is a tool and it is not the reason for my success thus far. I’m the reason for my success. The diminished stomach capacity has provided incredible help by providing physical control that I was never able to adhere to before. I could always eat and eat and eat until the vertical sleeve gastrectomy changed all that. However, I’m the one who decided to have the surgery. I’m the one that makes the good choices about food. I’m the one who has committed to exercise and physical fitness. I’m the one who hit Alt + Ctl + Del on my old ways.

As egotistical as that makes me sound, I think it’s important for me to claim it. Own it and celebrate it, too. One day at a time, often one meal at a time, I have taken back my life from the eating disorder and all of my messed up ways of using massive amounts of food. Sometimes it’s good to step back from the one day at a time lessons in the 12 Step programs and gaze at the big picture. The global perspective then helps me put the individual choices into action.

In my dream I talked about success not being about the single meal or the day’s workout. It calls for us to reshape our lives and changing our entire lifestyle. This journey is not an accelerated, high intensity boot camp. It truly is a life reboot.

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Excess Pounds Perspective

Sometimes my brain goes in odd directions. A friend/co-worker and I were talking about weight loss today. I mentioned that I’ve lost around 180 pounds. It struck me that I’d lost significantly more than this co-worker’s entire body weight.

That started my train of thought down a particular track. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) the average weight of adult women ages 20+ in the U.S. is 166.2 pounds. For men in the same age range in the U.S., the average weight is 195.5 pounds. So with 180 pound weight loss, I’ve lost more than an entire average sized woman and almost as much as an averaged sized man.

I’ve also lost more than an adult male English mastiff weighs. I can’t imagine trying to carry around a dog that size, yet I did.
There are dolphins where I work that weigh less than I did when I was my heaviest. I look at some of the youngsters who hit the scale at a little less than 200 pounds and think about them being the equivalent in pounds of the weight I’ve taken off.

This really gives me a different perspective about my excess pounds. I have an entirely new, deeper, more amazed respect for my body — bones, joints, muscles, organs, the whole darned thing and all of its systems. For years this body that was built for one person carried around enough weight for two large people. It’s a wonder that my heart didn’t explode from my chest or my knees collapse beneath me.

I feel like I should apologize to every cell of myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it. That would be a waste and achieve nothing. All I can do is what I’m doing now. Keep losing weight and then maintain the loss. Continue to exercise to build strength and flexibility. Treat my body with respect, appreciation, and love.

This body deserves to be treated well. It’s earned the right!

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Cheer Every Effort

The other day in a conversation with a friend I heard myself say, “I only rode my bike for seven miles last night.” My friend gaped at me and I heard my words as if with someone else’s ears. I looked at her and said, “I need to change the way I think and talk about my exercise.”

She vehemently agreed. Really. I only rode my bike for seven miles?? Only? On the one hand, it’s funny that I would think any physical exercise is less than, that I would diminish any effort. Two years ago I could barely walk up stairs and had to help myself by pulling up on railings. The slightest walk had me breathing hard. I hadn’t ridden a bicycle in more than 15 years. On the other hand, it’s not funny at all that I introduce negativity into any of my thoughts about my effort. By the way, that evening that I rode seven miles capped a day that started with 45 minutes of brisk walking. I was hardly slacking on my physical fitness routine!

I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Negativity breeds negativity. I can’t afford to let that mind set or energy develop. If it grows, and takes hold, it could easily mess with my emotions. When my emotions get messed up, I reach for food.

So I’ve committed to framing the messages that I give myself in positive terms and removing the diminishing qualifiers. There will be no more “only did this much” nonsense. I will cheer every effort, every exercise session. Whether I reach 10,000 steps, 15,000 or more, I will declare, “Booyah!” and celebrate.

For the record, I’ve been super active this weekend. My apologies to all of you suffering the series of snowstorms, but the weather’s beautiful in the Florida Keys. A little cool by our standards but sunny with light winds. Yesterday the dogs and I did two miles/45 minutes of a nice walk along the beach road. Later in the day I added a six mile bike ride just because it was so nice in the late afternoon.

A couple of weeks ago, I signed up to participate in a 5K walk/run to raise money for the organization that provides services and a food bank for people in need and oversees a homeless shelter and meal program. I’m not competing to win anything, but I don’t want to be last in my age group. I’ve declared myself “in training” for that walk. Pyxi was limping last night and this morning and she appears to have strained a muscle in our walk yesterday so I needed to keep things easy on her today. The dogs got a shorter walk and then I headed out for the Seven Mile Bridge and walked about 3.25 miles.

After doing some stuff around the house, I realized that it was again a beautiful afternoon, so I rolled out on my bike for 10 miles.

I find that I dearly love these outdoor exercise sessions. I don’t want to lose these feelings so the more that I do things that I enjoy, the more my enjoyment grows. No “only” about it.

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Stress and Stomach Issues

You know how some people get stomach pains or other gut issues when they’re stressed out? I was never one of those people. I’m fairly sure that’s because I filled my stomach with food when I was stressed. Eating to suppress feelings is common behavior.

I bring this up tonight because I’ve had a funky stomach for most of the day. Around noon time I really started feeling bad and thought I either had an impending attack of food poisoning or that I was coming down with some sort of stomach bug. I ended up leaving work and coming home. When I got here I pretty much stretched out on the recliner for awhile without any energy — not unlike a starfish on a rock at low tide. After dozing in the chair for awhile, I roused myself enough to move to the bedroom for another hour.

After a couple of hours, I realized that whatever was bothering my stomach wasn’t progressing. I just continued to feel crappy without actually getting sick. Instead, it felt like I could feel my pulse in my stomach which was achy and annoying. It took awhile for me to figure it out.

I had a very stressful morning over a particular situation. I can’t go into the details but it was no small thing. Nothing that at the moment I could shrug, be philosophical about, and just let go. The more I thought about the whole unfolding of the situation and my reaction, the more I realized that it affected me emotionally to the point that the emotions manifested themselves into physical symptoms.

No lie. Part of me is completely confident that a milkshake will absolve the discomfort. Part of me knows that the milkshake will not absolve a damned thing. It will only be a counterirritant in that it will actually make me sick which would most likely distract me from the stressful situation.

Tonight I think I’m still more stressed out than not and that’s why my stomach is still knotted up and achy. It’s a good reminder of the importance of developing better methods of dealing with stressful situations so that the anxiety doesn’t create physical discomfort. By better, it goes without saying I don’t mean using excess food. Numbing or stuffing down the feelings are not effective methods and do more harm than good. For me, I think I’m going to draw a hot bath and soak some of it away.

What’s your favorite method for coping with stress?

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Addictions, Relapse and the Never Ending Struggle

Many of us were shocked by the news of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman’s sudden death. I didn’t know he was a heroin addict. I’m always sad when I hear that someone, anyone, dies because of their addiction. Aaron Sorkin made a great point. Hoffman didn’t die because of an overdose. He died because of the drug – period. A friend of mine who is a cop and rather hard line, posted to Facebook that this was not a tragedy. I politely disagreed. I think whenever someone has an addiction, it’s tragic. When that addiction results in their death, even more so.

Toda on This Week (ABC Sunday News Program), they had a segment about the growing use of heroin. I was surprised to hear that it is actually less expensive to buy heroin on the street than it is to illegally obtain prescription drugs like oxycodone. Oxycodone addiction is no joke either and one of the speakers spoke of it as almost a gateway drug to heroin. Some people start on oxycodone when it is prescribed as a painkiller for an injury, surgery, etc. When they get hooked but can then no longer get their doctors to prescribe them more because the condition has resolved, some seek out street heroin.

There was another commentator on the show who looked like the least likely heroin addict ever. Clean cut, perfect suit and tie, Harvard grad, eminently successful. He’s been in recovery from his addiction for years and baldly stated that he knows he could at some point relapse and be back into his addiction. They interviewed someone else who said the same thing. The doctor-expert pointed out that every addict or alcoholic he’s ever spoken to never describes themselves as recovered. They say “recovering”.

I don’t think of one substance as being more powerful or more addictive than another. I don’t care if the addiction is to cigarettes, alcohol, pot, painkillers, heroin, cocaine, or food. They’re all equal. When one is addicted, it becomes a never-ending struggle, with them for the rest of their lives.

That’s how I feel about food. I know that to someone who doesn’t get that food or the behavior of compulsive eating is as much of an addiction as any drug this can sound silly, but it’s deadly serious to me. I jumped off the wagon last night at a friend’s birthday party. One of the fabulous local bakers supplied cupcakes and cake for the party. The frosting was to die for. I would have been okay if I’d had one cupcake because I’d been terrific with my food plan, adequately exercised, and planned for it. I got sucked in by the delicious, buttercream frosting. I ate frosting off of another slice of cake and an additional cupcake. Hands down, that is 100% addictive eating behavior.

Less than half an hour later I felt sick to my stomach from the sugar rush and I was emotionally distraught at my relapse behavior. Granted, an overdose of cake frosting was not going to kill me on the spot, like an o.d. of heroin, but what if I was a diabetic? It could have sent me into a danger state. Constantly repeating the behavior absolutely could eventually kill me if it leads to a prolonged period of relapse and eating, spiraling into weight gain and so on.

I woke up this morning determined to get straight. I ate half a banana and a tablespoon of peanut butter for breakfast and got on my bicycle. I pedaled for more than two hours and achieved my personal distance best of 21.34 miles! A few hours later and I feel like my body is still burning calories.

I have a lot to do around the house today and am concentrating on eating light and healthy while I work. It’s truly important when I slip to get back on track as soon as possible. The longer one stays in relapse, the harder it is to get straight again.

Recovering means staying on track one day, one meal at a time. I know I’m repeating myself and have talked about this in previous blogs, but it’s the reminder that I need to give myself today, right now.

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Biggest Loser Winner and CVS

For the last couple of days I’ve seen lots of press and social media posts about two things: How skinny the winner of the Biggest Loser looked on the finale and that CVS announced they will stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products.

Both of these topics have triggered reaction, that’s for sure.

I didn’t see all of the Biggest Loser finale on Tuesday night. I was so tired that I set it to record on DVR and went to bed early. So, I didn’t actually see the woman who won until her picture started appearing on Facebook. Wow. She sure as heck did lose a lot of weight! I’m of two minds about the results. On the one hand, she wanted to change her life from one of morbid obesity and while so doing, she wanted to win the competition. Obviously she succeeded. On the other hand, sweet goodness, she went from morbidly obese to downright skinny in a few months. Is she too skinny? Is she now an unhealthy weight? Maybe. Overall, what you and I think doesn’t matter. Determining what’s enough weight loss and what’s too much is up to her and her medical advisors. Also, even if she isn’t a healthy weight now, she was a fierce competitor and she wanted to make sure that she lost a greater percentage of body weight than the other two guys. Now that she’s won, if she wants to put back on a few pounds, she can.

Whether it’s a participant on a weight loss reality show or someone else who has had bariatric surgery, I have resolved to not judge their journeys. It honestly is not my place to assess what they’re doing and decide whether what they’re doing or have done is right. If I go down that road, then I’m no longer assessing the reality of their situations, I’m making a judgment based on what I think. Their journey or their goals and what paths they travel to get there, are honestly none of my business. I have more than enough on which to focus with my own journey, goals, and paths. They can take care of themselves.

When it comes to CVS, I applaud this gutsy decision to deep six tobacco products. I always found it ironic that you could walk to the back of the local CVS for the medications to help when you’re sick and then at the front pass by the shelves of cigarettes, guaranteed to wreck your health. I hate cigarettes and smoking. I regret that I ever smoked and celebrate the fact that I quit. I don’t get obnoxious about it with friends who still smoke. There’s an ashtray reserved for them on my porch. They understand that there’s no smoking allowed in my house. I also don’t do things like exaggeratedly wave my hands in front of my face when I walk by people smoking. I don’t fix them with my most effective death glare. Smoking cigarettes is a personal choice. I don’t lecture them about the consequences.

If anyone asks me what my mother died from, I’ll likely say lung cancer and strokes caused by her 50 year addiction to cigarettes. That’s the reality of it and it makes me sad every day. When she was alive, and before her cancer diagnosis, we shared the family home up in New Jersey. Mom and I had an understanding. If she needed something from the store, I would happily run out and get it for her — except for cigarettes. I absolutely refused to buy cigarettes for her. That was something she had to get on her own.

I used to shop in CVS a lot more frequently. They had my monthly prescriptions on file so I ran in at least once a month to refill. It was also my store of choice to pick up snack foods when I didn’t want to go to a full supermarket. Once I got off of all my prescriptions a little more than a year ago, and since don’t do a lot of snack foods anymore, I have a lot less need for CVS. There’s also a Walgreens a block away. Believe it or not, the new announcement has inspired me to shop CVS more frequently. I might even look for excuses to go. As long as they maintain the “no smoking” policy, I want them to succeed. I don’t want them to lose their other, residual product sales as a result of the tobacco products ban. Shopping there more often is a way to positive reinforce them for their bold move.

Would love to hear your thoughts and comments on either of these topics!

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Keeping Off the “See-Food” Diet

I can’t emphasize this point enough with myself. Stay mindful. It is incredibly easy to fall off the food plan wagon in an instant if I don’t stay vigilant. I’ve done mostly great since returning from my cruise and been really happy that I continue to lose weight, but I also saw that I was giving into impulse when around foods that are not on my plan.

I went to friends’ for a Super Bowl Party. There were a lot of different foods set out and I wanted to taste almost all of them. That’s okay, as long as I do it mindfully without stuffing in the food faster than I can think about what and how much I’m putting in my mouth.

Oddly enough, it is more difficult for me to refrain from compulsive eating or snacking at home than it was when I was on the cruise. That sounds surprising because there is so much food available all of the time on a cruise ship. However, and this is a big however, it is only available in the restaurants. So, out of sight, out of reach and, mostly, out of mind.

Here at home, food is as accessible as my kitchen and fridge. At work, we have a kitchen and people love to leave out treats and snack foods. Sometimes just seeing food out triggers a “want” in my head. That’s where the vigilant mind comes into play. “Want” is not “Need”. “Want” is not “Should Eat”.

I do not want to slip up and halt my terrific momentum. I’ve talked before about hating to write down my food, but I know it’s a very helpful tool. The goal is to be willing to write it down in the morning, before I eat, rather than rely on logging it after my meals. It’s a good way to stay mindful. If the food isn’t on my list, then the choice is simply to not eat.

The smart phone makes it easy. I can do this either in myfitnesspal or on the Notes feature. I chose Notes today. Breakfast – a fruit/protein smoothie. Mid-morning snack: granola/sunflower seed mix. Lunch: Egg salad on baby lettuce with two small toast crips. Mid-afternoon snack: apple slices with natural peanut butter. Dinner: Lentil soup and salad. Evening snack: Greek yogurt.

I packed my day time snacks and lunch so I’m prepared at work. I feel strong and confident that I can stick with this food plan today and not give into the “See food – eat it” compulsion.

My takeaway from this is that it is always important to protect and nurture my recovery. I have to keep using the tools even when I’m rolling along. Sometimes it might feel easier but it never really is easier. Ongoing success requires ongoing work.

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Plateau Over? Breaking Out of the Food Rut

Not only did I lose weight while on the cruise, but that trend has continued in the week that I’ve been home. I am cautiously optimistic that my lengthy plateau might be over! Here’s what I think has happened. While on the cruise, it’s true that I averaged three to five thousand more steps in physical activity per day and that burned more calories. However, I also ate a greater variety of food items without increasing the volume. I think it’s entirely possible that some of my plateau problems happened because I got into a food rut.

Almost every day I start with a fruit and protein powder smoothie. At lunch I often have a small container of yogurt or soup. Dinner is usually a meat protein of some sort. Snacks might be nuts or an ounce of cheese or fruit. That’s probably more fruit with fruit sugars and fruit carbs than I should have in a day too. On the ship, because the variety was so easily accessible, I ate more veggies, eggs, and other protein types. Yes, I had some additional carbs, but didn’t overeat on them. So, looking back on my food plan, I think I thought I was eating a good, balanced plan, and it certainly worked like a champ for me for many months. I believe that my body might have gotten too used to the routine.

Going on the cruise shook up the food routine. Since I’ve been back, I’ve made an effort to increase my veggie intake, cut back on the fruits, and incorporate more protein and fiber from non-meat/non-dairy sources. I’ve also, of course, kept up with my exercise. This appears to be working and I’m down another couple of pounds. Booyah for me!

If I can continue to see progress over the next week, then I’ll really be positive that my plateau is over and I’m proceeding full speed ahead toward my goal weight. I’m in the position of truly being in the home stretch, at least when I think of how far I’ve already come. I would dearly love to knock off these last 35 pounds by sometime this summer!

Have any of you ever experienced a food rut? Does this sound like a possible explanation?

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Cruise Day Five – St. Maarten Sailing

I hope that the travelogue-ish posts aren’t boring all of you. Inside each day I feel that I learned something more about myself, something pertinent to my recovery efforts, or at least something relevant to where I’ve been, where I am or where I’m going.

On the fifth day of the cruise, we arrived in St. Maarten. You might have noticed that I like excursions that involve water and boats of any kind. For the day I’d signed up for the America’s Cup Regatta trip. I thought this meant that they would put us on a sailboat and race us around for awhile. I was pretty excited when I realized on my morning walk that we had a nice wind blowing and the conditions would be great for a sail. Oh the excursion was so much more than I expected. It turns out they would split the group of 30 people into two teams of 15, put each team on its own sailboat and then have us race each other! Psych!

On this excursion, we were joined by singer-songwriter Anita Cochran, Suzanne Alexander from the Great American Country television channel, and a couple of their friends. Nice women. We chatted in line before getting to the tender boat that would take us to the sailing vessels. A couple of them have a trip planned for the Keys so I gave them my contact info later in the cruise in case they want to visit the dolphins where I work.

It turns out that I was on a different sailboat — True North — and they were part of the team sailing Stars and Stripes. Trash talking ensued when we were on the boat going out to the sailing vessels. (Ok, I might have instigated some of the trash talk but everybody else on the excursion quickly got into the spirit and the good natured teasing. Someone on one team or the other would say something smart alecky and everyone would laugh.)

We were asked if we wanted an active job, a semi-active job or a not-so-active job. Does it surprise any of you that I wanted an active job? I was assigned the role of being one of the primary grinders. On the vessel we had to work the four person cranking gizmo that raised, tightened or let out the foresail. There were two experienced crew members and a captain who gave us instruction and cued us when to get set, which direction to crank, and when to start and stop. Other people on the team had jobs like main grinders, time keeper, winch wenches, etc. All of us had parts to play to race the boat.

It was exciting, fast, beautiful, and hard work! Lots of arm and shoulder effort to work those cranks, let me tell you, but we were up to the challenge. The race went for five legs and, toward the end, Stars and Stripes was coming on fast, but we squeaked out a victory. Talk about exhilarating! Everybody on both vessels talked about how this was one of the best excursions ever.

We met up after in the ship’s store. As badly as we’d all trash talked before the race, we were gracious in victory, realizing that everybody worked freaking hard and gave the race their all. Anita told us we all better come to her show because she would definitely talk about the race. However, she joked that if we came in making the L sign on our foreheads for Loser, the rest of the audience might think we meant her music. I assured her that, for all that I am an inveterate smart ass, I would never disrespect her or any performer on stage.

Later that night, she performed with Ty Herndon. Great music and performances! I was behaving myself, applauding their performance, when Ty mentioned that Anita had spent the day racing sailboats. Someone from my team way on the other side of the lounge yelled out that she’d been on the losing boat! Anita said, “I thought we weren’t going to go there, Mary.”

Ack! Blamed when I was being so good. Caught up in the moment, I jumped up defended myself. Ty announced that he’d lost all control of his show and the rest of the audience laughed. I saw Anita afterwards and she pointed out that she couldn’t actually see our faces but shouldn’t have assumed. It was a pretty funny moment.

At dinner that evening, I’d sat with a half a dozen other people including two friends who were traveling together, a married couple from Oklahoma, and a woman I’d seen earlier at line dancing class. We were all talking about the excursions we’d done and I mentioned the sailing. This lead to a discussion of other excursions on other trips and I talked about ziplining and hiking the crater in Hawaii. One of the women asked, “Have you always lived life on the edge?”

It was such an interesting perspective from someone who didn’t know me and knew nothing of my history. I liked the image of being seen as an adventurous woman. I decided to share just a little bit. I told her that no, I had not always lived this way and that, to be honest, two years ago I couldn’t have done any of these activities because of my obesity. “So now you’re making up for lost time?” she asked.

I don’t know that I’ve thought of it that way, friends, but as soon as she asked I realized that, to large extent, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Making up for lost time and making the most of every opportunity.

The late show that night was by Wade Hayes. I remembered his hit songs from several years ago, but hadn’t heard much about him in recent years. I was surprised when he talked about being a medical miracle and said that it was, indeed, a miracle that he was alive. It turns out that in 2012, he was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer that spread to his liver. Multiple surgeries and chemo treatments helped him battle and he survived. He was only 42 with no history of this cancer in his family! I was incredibly touched by his story and loved his new song Live Your Life.

I truly feel like I’ve received a lot of important reminders and life affirmations on this cruise. More than just being entertained and having fun, I’m taking in these messages and this energy. I want to internalize them so that they enhance and contribute to my commitment to recovery. I want to keep living my best life, every single day.

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