Pyxi had an up and down weekend. Yesterday, although she ate a couple of times during the day, she couldn’t keep it down, seemed very weak and was not at all perky. Honestly, last night I was afraid she was going to die. This morning, I texted our friend/vet and he met us at the clinic to administer more sub-cutaneous fluids and some anti-nausea medication. He prepared me that she’d probably be very sedate today from the meds, which she was. However, she also ate three small meals throughout the day and has kept it all down! She is still turning up her cute little nose at the carbs, but as long as she eats anything and retains it, that’s something. We’re testing her blood again tomorrow and, hopefully, her numbers will have improved. Fingers and paws crossed! We can consider an appetite booster which might make her more interested in a greater variety of food items or, that might happen without help if she starts to feel better.
I had a little bit of an up and down weekend with my food and, at times, I thought I was a whole lot worse than I truly was. Thankfully, I’ve continued to log my food in my digital food diary so I can go back, read, and truly analyze my intake rationally. This is so important because when I don’t look at things with logic and rationale, but instead view it through the distorted lens of my eating disorder, my perspective goes all screwy.
Even with Pyxi sick, I know she’s okay if I leave for an hour or two. I don’t go for long stretches of time, so I get back to coax her with food, check if she needs anything, and so on. I went to rowing class yesterday morning. I had a facial mid-day. I went to dinner last night with a friend. These all fit under the heading of taking care of myself so that I can continue to take good care of her.
I didn’t pre-plan my exact foods for dinner. Instead, I logged it in the morning as “reasonable dinner”. We went to a local restaurant that I really like and I ordered food that I really like – including the brussel sprouts “chips” appetizer that I love. We split it and brought at least half of it away in a box. Same thing with my entree — at least half of it came home with me and will be dinner tomorrow. They asked if we wanted dessert and I made the conscious choice to share some of that too. A few bites were totally yummy and satisfying — and saying yes to myself actually helped emotionally. If I’d denied myself the treat, I would have experienced resentment, grumpiness, and, most likely self-pity. All of those could have led to me coming home and binge eating on something.
Of course, even though I completely ate reasonably and did not overeat, I still experienced several moments where I felt like I’d done poorly. Such is the nature of my disease. I came home and started to beat myself up and then called a halt to the negative mind-trend. Instead I reminded myself how I’ve been taking good care of myself; how I’m being rational about my food, how I worked so hard in the morning rowing class. I’m convinced that doing these reminders kept me from eating compulsively last night after I got home. Being able to stop myself from disintegrating into disease behavior is a positive change. I need to recognize these changes when they occur. Doing so helps them take root and provide a stronger foundation for the future.
I recognized another positive change a little later in the day. After getting back from the vet and spending a little time decompressing by reading a book while Pyxi rested, I decided to go into the pool and exercise. I went into the bathroom to change into my swimsuit. When I took off my shirt and started to remove my bra, I glanced in the mirror. In that moment, I saw where the rowing classes have begun to cause some changes in my body. There are hints of better definition in my shoulders that weren’t there before. My waist looks a little smaller. I nodded at myself in the mirror and smiled. Then I put on my bathing suit, went to the pool, turned on some music and exercised for 30 or 40 minutes.
Seeing some physical improvement is such good positive reinforcement. I don’t know what the number on the scale will read tomorrow morning. (Forgot to tell you that I stuck to my commitment of only weighing Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings.) If it’s down from Friday, terrific. If it isn’t, I know that my body is still slimming down, getting more defined and also gaining in strength. No matter what, I need to recognized and acknowledge these changes.
Weighty Matters 
Thank you both.
Whenever I catch up on your blog I’m in awe of how disciplined you are. Changing a behaviour is so difficult, but you always move forward (even if you’ve had a step back).
Hugs on the Pyxi situation. It’s tough when animals are sick.
I hope she gets better! Prayers