Weighty Matters

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Happiness is a Gift

on December 11, 2014

There are moments when I stop in the middle of whatever I’m doing and feel happiness wash through me.  Every time that happens I am profoundly grateful.  Happiness is a gift.  It’s precious and I don’t ever want to react with anything less than full appreciation for its presence.  I feel so blessed that  happiness is abundant in my life.

It wasn’t always this way.  There were times when I was downright miserable and could barely connect with the smallest shred of happy.  I have always felt things deeply.  My emotions run strong.  When I mourned my parents after their deaths, the pain and sadness consumed me.  I’d put on a happy face, or at least a less grief-stricken demeanor as much as I could, but the pretense exhausted me.

Even in the many non-grief years (That’s a horrible categorization but I can’t come up with a better one right at this moment.) I know now that I carried sadness with me.  It was part and parcel of my eating disorder and my obesity.  I truly don’t believe that it’s possible to be fat and jolly — at least it wasn’t for me, although I often played the role.

Now, I won’t pretend that my weight was the only reason for me not fully experiencing happiness.  There were other factors, but I always strove to achieve happiness.  I wanted it and I became willing to go to any lengths for it.

There have been things that I’ve had to come to terms with in order to realize this gift.  I’ve learned that I can be happy even though I’m not in a love relationship.  I’ll never have kids of my own and I’ve become okay with that too.  I truly believe that this developed because of a willingness to embrace acceptance as a path to serenity and joy.  By accepting what is, what I have, what is possible and not focusing on what isn’t, what I don’t have, what isn’t possible, I’m at peace with my life.  In that peace, happiness grows.

I love how sometimes I just sit in this state and smile.  It’s so much healthier than stewing in my own discontent.  I feel lighter in spirit, rather than sucked down into a quicksand of sorrow.

I also realize that I’m fortunate.  I don’t battle the disease of depression.  Some people I know are struggling.  I wish with all my heart that they will prevail.  I hope they continue to get help and that  their treatments are successful.

Their battles remind me again of the gift I’m given.  I need to nurture and protect my happiness.  That means continue to work on myself.  If I go back to old eating and laziness habits and regain weight, more than my physical recovery will be affected.  My happiness will be at risk.

I am not going to let anything take away my precious gift.

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