I’m stunned that it’s been ten days since I wrote a post. Time flies when one is incredibly busy at work, has numerous after-work commitments, and generally gets home too tired to think straight, yet alone coherently write.
Mea culpa. My apologies!
In addition to the reasons listed above, I’ll also cop to a subconscious need to avoid admitting some things. I believe so strongly in keeping it real on this blog that when something came up that I wasn’t ready to talk about, I stayed away. I also hate feeling like I’m whining about the same old same old. I haven’t been feeling good about my progress. A lot of diseased thinking has taken hold of my brain. So, it all added up to me not feeling good about me. However, I didn’t want to come on and say that, partly because of that “no whining” preference and partly from denial.
My behavior feels like the internet blog equivalent of avoiding class reunions or other gatherings because I didn’t want old friends to see me looking like a cow.
Pffffffffffffffft. (The typed equivalent of blowing a raspberry at myself.) Honestly, that’s junk thinking on all counts. I work on my issues here. I process crap through writing. So, not blogging here means I wasn’t dealing. Not dealing means not being honest with myself.
Still and all, I might have been away for 10 days, but I certainly have been thinking about my disease and food issues. A lot. Some might say I’m thinking too much about them and doing too little. I don’t disagree. I’ve felt like I’m not in control of my food choices. I hate it when I feel like I can’t control my eating. I hate it even more when I know that stressful situations are triggering the eating. It’s my coping mechanism. Harmful as compulsive eating is to me, it’s still a tool that I use to cope when my emotions are rocketing around.
This old behavior makes me think that I haven’t learned a damn thing in almost three years since my weight loss surgery. Then I start feeling like a failure, which is total, steaming bull crap.
That’s the problem with stinking thinking. We start to believe, or act as if we believe, the crappy things we say to and about ourselves. I know perfectly well that I’m not a failure and I’ve learned a helluva lot about my disease, my issues, etc. Like Hope and others said, even if I never lose another pound, I’ve still succeeded. That might be is true, but it takes a while to absorb that into my psyche and truly believe.
The last few days have been better. Less stress, less compulsive eating. Not always eating as healthy as usual, but I’m improving. I got physically lazy too, particularly with the time change. The last few days I’ve pushed myself to walk even when the weather is less than conducive for the activity.
While my control might be shaky, I don’t feel helpless, or hopeless. This is a bump in the recovery road. The highway to health didn’t suffer a washout. I’m not lost. Today was better. God willing, tomorrow will be a good, new beginning too.
Weighty Matters 
I appreciate you giving me a chance to catch up on my commenting. :p
Seriously, though, keep posting! I know the temptation to avoid thinking about this stuff, but I also know that the accountability is good for you.
Clearly, I’m not saying it enough…. Even if you don’t lose another pound, you are still a success. Your life is freaking awesome.
Ya darn right! You are doing so well on the road, have come so far. You’re a winner.