Weighty Matters

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How Much Do I Want It?

on December 16, 2012

It’s a beautiful morning.  I’ve already been out with the dogs for a walk on the Old Seven Mile Bridge.  We did 2.25 miles.  I’m now sipping on a fresh smoothie made with a banana, some strawberries, skim milk, protein powder and a little almond butter.

I’m drinking this for a meal instead of the two strips of bacon, scrambled egg and half of an English Muffin I thought about making while I was at mile 1.75 on the bridge.   Honestly, the bacon/egg/muffin breakfast would not have been horrible, but for me this week, the smoothie is the better, healthier choice.

Why did I change my mind between the bridge and getting home?  I started thinking about where I’d like to be with my weight loss at the end of this year and then, a few weeks later, on the one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery.   I’ve made great progress, but it’s been slower in recent months, as I’ve whined talked about here before.   This has been a good lesson.  I’ve sure learned that I know how to eat to maintain my weight loss.  I haven’t gained any of the weight that I’ve lost and that, my friends, is fantastic.  As you know, one of my big fears is that eventually I will screw up and return to my old habits, gain back all of the weight, and waste all of my wonderful effort.

Sometimes FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.  I don’t want to obsess about it, but at the same time I want to use it to keep myself honest.

So, in this time of holiday parties, never ending supplies of baked goods, and the upcoming change in my daily routine when I go on vacation, I need to continually ask myself, how bad do I want it?

The “it” varies.  In the kitchen at work when I go to get out my healthy, planned for lunch and a loaf of pumpkin bread on the counter tempts me, the “it” could be the pumpkin bread.  Do I want it bad enough to derail my plans for the day?  Is eating it more important than staying on track?

When I come home feeling lazy and don’t want to exercise, the “it” becomes my healthy body.  How badly do I want to keep building  it?

How much do I want it — “it” being a healthy, happy, more fit body and lifestyle — is the big, overall question of my life, when I consider matters.  I asked myself the question a lot last year when I was weighing the decision to have the surgery and going through the months of planning, medical tests, and evaluations.  As you can see, it turns out that I wanted it pretty damn much.  Enough to change my body with surgery.  Enough to commit to the lifestyle change.  Enough to examine my issues and eating disorder, past habits, and new techniques all of the time.

Enough to not eat bacon, egg and English Muffin this morning but to have a healthy protein smoothie instead.

That’s the reality of changing one’s life beginning with weight loss surgery.  Anyone who is considering this step needs to ask themselves the same question.  How much do you want to make the change?  If you can’t answer that you want it enough that you’re willing to go to any lengths and make any commitment to achieve the change, then perhaps surgery isn’t for you just yet.

If you want it and you’re ready, then go for it.

2 responses to “How Much Do I Want It?

  1. Skye says:

    I do my basic exercises first thing upon getting out of bed in the morning. In fact, I do a couple of them while still in bed. And every morning I still have to ask myself “do I want to do this? can I skip this morning?” and answer “yes” then “no”. I hope I eventually get to the point where I don’t ask myself every morning, but if I don’t, I guess I’ll just keep answering “yes” then “no”.

    I admire you for your commitment to getting healthy and strong. I haven’t had to do anything nearly as extreme as you have done, but you inspire me to keep answering my questions in a way that keeps me exercising. My eating isn’t perfect, but it’s a far distance from what it was. I pay more attention. Again, you are my inspiration. You and the pair of levi’s hanging from my bedroom door that I really want to get into; they are my “fat” jeans and I couldn’t get into them. Now I am first aiming for them, then once I can comfortably wear them (I can get into them!), I will hang the next-down-sized pair from the door and look at them for inspiration.

    Your commitment shines out of every sentence you write.When I give up the majority of my sweets, except for occasionally, and I’m doing more than just my basic exercises, I’ll know I’ve achieved full commitment.

    Thank you for writing this blog and detailing your struggles and your triumphs. You have shown me what’s doable if you really want something.

    • Mary Stella says:

      Skye, you humble me. I’m glad that what I write and talk about helps.

      It helps me to read about what you and others experience. Life changes are hard and challenge us. I guess if they were easy, we wouldn’t need to make them.

      You’ll get into those jeans, my friend, and later will come the day when you need to go down another size!

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