Weighty Matters

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Once a Food Addict

. . . always a food addict.

That reminder’s been bouncing around in my head over the weekend.  It’s really important that I remember.  Forgetting or pretending otherwise leads to relapse.

Just because I’ve been doing so well is no reason to get cocky and think I have this disease of compulsive overeating under control.  I had a lot of time to think about it while driving up and back to the mainland this weekend.  (Two hours plus each way.)  I evaluated my eating choices over the last few weeks with the intent of performing a brutally honest inventory on myself.

Here’s what I decided.  I’ve been slacking sometimes on the food plan.  Not a lot, mind you, but enough.  I started eyeballing portions instead of measuring.   There were a few too many carbs, sometimes.  Too frequent an inclination to indulge in sweets if they were present at the office, even if my new definition of indluging means a tiny slice.  The snacks I kept at the office, like nuts, were on the plan, but I ate them compulsively instead of measuring or only eating at the time that I planned.

I got a little lazy tracking my food on my handy little food app on my phone, too.  Not listing it in digital black and white was a way of skating around my own accountability.

You might ask yourself why these things are bad or risky.  I mean, how much damage can I do to myself with 30% stomach capacity.  Plenty.  I’m told that it’s possible to keep pushing the boundaries and eventually stretch the stomach.

That would suck.

I can prevent that from ever happening.  I will prevent it.  My inventory examination showed me what steps I need to take to get back on track.  It really isn’t difficult and it’s all stuff that I know works for me.  Even though it concerns the food that I eat, the focus is on my behavior and how I eat as much as what I eat and how much of it.

Measure out the foods I plan to eat. 60 to 80 grams of protein daily.   I can include some fruit and veggies but the protein goal is the most important.  Limit carbs like bread, potatoes and rice.  Eat only the three meals and three snacks.  No compulsively reaching for food that happens to be around.  Stay hydrated with at least 60 ounces of water a day.  Those are the basic steps to success.

I also need to do better about eating every meal and snack slowly, thoughtfully, and with lots of chewing.

It’s pretty simple, really, particularly when one is willing.  I’m willing.

Hell, if I wasn’t willing I wouldn’t have had the surgery in the first place.

This is not me beating myself up, by the way.  It’s me supporting myself and my recovery.  Continuing to take personal inventory is an important step.  I don’t need to only do this now or three weeks or three months.  I need to support my own recovery with the steps that I know make me successful all of the time — whether I’m in the losing stage or at goal weight and have transitioned to maintenance.  Even if I look in the mirror and a healthy-weight person looks back at me, I will still need to support my recovery.

Because I’ll still be a food addict and compulsive overeater.  Once a food addict, always a food addict.

It’s that simple.

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Sizing Things Up

I didn’t post yesterday because it was a full day with travel, doctors appointments and then fun with friends.  I also absorbed lots of info and have been musing over different things which will almost certainly show up in future blog posts.  🙂

The first appointment yesterday was at the pulmonologist’s office.  I promise not to veer off into a rant, but I hope the doctor’s office staff, i.e. the young woman behind the reception desk, learned this simple lesson in customer/patient service.  When the office makes a mistake in scheduling a patient’s appointment, do not be snotty to the patient.  Instead, do your best to be cooperative and helpful and again, not snotty.

Ok.  Moving on.  The doctor was somewhat amazed at my progress.  We talked things over for a bit and came to the mutual decision not to repeat the sleep study quite yet.  As much as I would love to get off of the CPAP machine, I agreed not to rush things.  By waiting a few more months I can lose additional weight which increases the chances of my sleep hypopnia resolving.  The doctor says there is a 70 to 80% chance that this will happen, but that leaves 20 to 30% chance of it not.  Rather than do the test now, get less than optimum results, and then have to repeat it another time anyway, we’re going to wait until the end of November.  That way I at least get the repeat in on this calendar year when my deductible is already satisfied.

From that appointment I proceeded to my surgeon’s office.   The surgeon and P.A. are used to seeing quick results in patients who have weight loss surgery.  While they were not amazed, they were still very pleased and enthusiastic, and they congratulated me on working so hard.  I chatted for a while with the P.A. and see where I need to make some adjustments.  I’ve been veering over into a few more carbs than I should eat.  I know I can be more vigilant on that score.  Honestly, they really were excited about the dedicated effort I’m giving toward exercising.

*******Alert of Possible TMI********

I spoke with both the P.A. and the surgeon about the way that my system stalls.  We talked about solutions.  I didn’t know that it’s possible for one’s body to develop a dependency or a resistance to laxatives.  Did you?  Anyway, they suggested using Benefiber or a similar product three times a day — mixed in my protein shake or in soup or even water.  I can also use Miralax.  I need to make sure that I consistently drink at least 60 ounces of water and/or low sugar juice a day too.  The hydration is important for a number of reasons — keeping my system regular and flushing my kidneys since I’m still ingesting 6o to 80 grams of protein a day.

All in all it was a good check up, albeit with the cautious reminder to keep doing what I’m doing because, even though I’ve made great progress, I still have a long way to go.

A short time after the second doctor’s appointment, I met up with a group of friends for a delicious dinner at a favorite restaurant.  Everything served is made from fresh ingredients and cooked to bring out the flavors while maintaining lower calories and fat.  The meal was delicious and the company great fun.  A good night all around.

Today I planned to shop.  I have reached the point where I can’t avoid buying some new clothes.  Seriously.  I was down to about four tops that I could wear outside of work.  Remember when I shopped my closets and found garments that had been too tight on me for years?  Even most of those clothes are now too big.  I’m not complaining.  It’s a great problem!

I’ve also reached the stage where my bras don’t fit.  For a while now I’ve been hooking them on the tightest row and they still gap.

I should point out that shopping is not my favorite activity.  I know plenty of people who view it as recreation and who love to spend entire days in malls browsing, going in and out of stores.   I’m not one of those people, but I geared up and got going.

Lane Bryant advertises that they’ll professionally measure you for bras, so I went there first.  No surprise that I’m down two sizes in my bra band size, but not in the cup.  The nice young woman gave me some suggestions on what styles might best suit and I took it from there.  Let me tell you, it’s true what many say.  The right size and style of bra can not only change your body silhouette, it can change your freaking life!  I picked out four and each one fit and made me look terrific.  What a difference!  As a bonus, today LB had a buy one, get the second for half price.  I got four bras for the price of three.

There were good sales going on all over the store.  Plus, every year around this time, Florida designates a week where clothes, electronics, and some other things can be purchased without paying sales tax.  It’s supposed to help families better afford everything students need to go back to school, but adults can also benefit.  Let’s just say that I took advantage of the sales to stock up on smaller-sized panties, cute tops and a purple sundress.  I can’t tell you how great it felt to realize that sizes I used to be too big to fit into are now larger than I need!  Everything I purchased is smaller than I’ve been able to wear in years.

The staff really went out of their way to be helpful.  One asked if I’d received any coupons in the mail.  (I might have but didn’t remember.)  “Do you have Internet access with your phone?” she asked. “Google Lane Bryant coupons.  We have some now that give you $25 off of every $75 you spend. ”  Bonus!  While I did not go crazy with my shopping, let’s say that I qualified for truly spectacular savings.

After an hour or so in LB, I went on my way to a much bigger mall in search of some new makeup and cross-trainer sneakers for Zumba.  A couple of young women who are friends met me there and we wandered for a few hours.  Yes, hours.  After stops in Bath & Body Works for delicious smelling concotions to add to my bath water, and then Sephora for make up, we made our way to JC Penney.  Their mother, who is also a friend, has worked for years for JCP so the girls are very familiar with the store.

I believe I’ve mentioned here before that I have not shopped for clothes for myself in a regular department store in the last few decades.  It’s been at least 20 years, possibly 25.  No lie.   My friends guided me to the Woman’s Department, which was huge.   I will admit to feeling a bit intimidated by the different sections  with rack after rack of clothing.  Friends, maybe I was already tired from the shopping that I’d done before, but I got a little overwhelmed.  Before it got to be too much for me to handle, I managed to find two cute tops and try them on.  Standing at the cash register, I was truly proud that I’ve lost enough weight to shop in a department store.  By this time next year, it will probably no longer be a novelty and I won’t be confined to the Woman’s Department.  Woot!

The only non-successful part of the outing was my footwear search.  Unfortunately, the stores stocked mostly running shoes.  I wanted cross trainers that have a smooth circle on the sole that enables you to smoothly pivot and turn.  So, I’m back to searching online.  All things considered, this was not a big deal and everything else was just so terrific.

By this time, after around four to five hours, I was exhausted.  I wish I’d worn a pedometer because we walked a lot.  By the time I said goodbye to my friends and got to my car, I ached in the small of my back and my right, weaker knee.  On my way back to the hotel, I made a quick trip into Whole Foods to select something yummy from their prepared food “bars” for dinner.   When I returned to my room, I could easily have curled up on the bed for a quick nap.  Instead, I pulled on my bathing suit and headed down to the swimming pool.

Yes, as if walking all around a big mall for a few hours wasn’t enough exercise, I wanted some more.  I swam 20 lengths of the full size pool which worked out some of the aches.  A ten minute soak in the hot tub eased the rest.

As I type this out, I’m freshly showered, pleasantly tired in mind and body, and really, really happy.  Sizing everything up, I’m delighted with the way my size is going down, not only in my physique but in the clothes that cover me.  I’m pleased with my attitude about exercise and my daily recommitment to eat healthy.

It’s been a great weekend for me and I plan to build on this experience for continued success in the future.

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Between Want and Hunger

In her comment on yesterday’s post, Pink Pelican talked about differentiating between wanting food and actual hunger.   Wow, does that ring a bell.  It was always hard for me because my head would tell me that I not only wanted food, I needed it.  Cravings created by emotions felt as physically real as the pangs in my stomach that occured if I’d gone hours without eating.

Even when I was semi-successfully dieting, it didn’t matter how logically I reasoned with myself.  Intellectually, I knew that I didn’t really need chocolate, but the extreme mental desire overrode all logic and intellect.  Then the disease would take over and tell me, yes, you’re right you need it, go get it.

It’s weird and different for me now, but there are still struggles sometimes.   I don’t feel physical hunger the way that I used to.  The pangs only happen if I’ve gone too long without eating something.  I’m pretty vigilant about eating on schedule.  I know that if I don’t eat my planned-for snacks in between meals I won’t hit my protein target for the day.

You’d think this all would make it easier and it does, to some extent.  I’m not often physically hungry so I don’t constantly want moremoremore food.  The restricted stomach size keeps in check on my portions.  The battle remains in my head — the mental want.  If someone puts out a box of pastries or plate of cookies, it honestly doesn’t matter if I’m physically hungry.  My eyes see the food and my head wants it.  If I successfully control the immediate compulsion to reach for the available food and eat it, I often still have to engage in a mental debate.    It’s like shoring up my own defenses against the disease of compulsive overeating.

It’s crazy how powerful the “want” can be; how loudly it can speak.  I swear sometimes it translates into physical symptoms.  I’ll feel it in my stomach.  When that happens I try to remind myself that it’s false hunger.

If I’ve been very very good about my food plan, I may consciously permit myself to have a taste of a treat  That means a single cookie instead of a handful.  A bite sized piece of chocolate and not a full bar.  A quarter slice of cake if we’re all celebrating someone’s birthday and so on.  Not every day of course, but sometimes.

I do not, however, eat the treat unless I know it’s something that I truly enjoy.  Some of you might be thinking, “Of course you wouldn’t.  Who would eat something they didn’t honestly like?”

In the midst of an eating disorder, I would.  I don’t love raspberries or raspberry jam, etc.  In the old days, however, if the only pastries around were some sweet confection with raspberry filling, I’d go for it — even if it meant eating the pastry part and leaving the fruity stuff.

If only I could cultivate that attitude with seafood — eating something I don’t really like. 🙂

Earlier this week I was able to completely ignore guava pastries and raspberry turnovers, even though they sat in the kitchen at work alll day.  Honestly, that’s a significant improvement.  Remember, we’re talking about me. As a kid I once ate a pie crust out of my aunt’s freezer because I was so driven by the compulsive need and there was nothing else to be had.

I have to say that I am more successful with my debates these days than ever before.  I’ll make bargains with myself.  For example, if I’m driving home from work, past numerous stores, and craving Ben & Jerry’s or something else, I tell myself to go home, take care of the dogs and get to Zumba.  After Zumba, if I still want the ice cream I can have one small individual serving and not buy a whole pint.  Honestly, after the workout, all I really want is to get home and have my regular dinner.  I could care less about going to a store and tracking down the little ice cream treat.

That’s progress.   Realizing that I can savor a small treat or a sample of something instead of chowing down on a full sized portion is somewhat miraculous.

When I was 16, I started smoking cigarettes.  When I was 28, I made up my mind to quit.  I went through a smoking cessation program offered by a local hospital.  It was intense but it worked.  I rarely had the desire to smoke ever again.  When I did, I remembered one important fact.  They taught me that there is a timeline to the craving for a cigarette.  I carried a card in my wallet for years that read, “The urge to smoke will pass whether or not I have a cigarette.”  The card was right.  If I made it past the most intense part of the craving, it would ease almost immediately.

I wish I could define that same kind of timeline for food.  Maybe eventually I will.  It’s a very real possibility that my body hasn’t yet learned the lesson and that the mental craving will hit a peak, but if I don’t give in, then ease off on its own.  I don’t know.

For now, I just need to keep on doing what I’m doing — making bargains with myself, just saying no to the compulsion, permitting treats on my terms with completely awareness of the choice and not when driven by disease.

I hope that, with practice, I’ll get even better at not crossing the line between wanting something and honestly being hungry.

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Realistic Goals

Now that I’ve lost 100 pounds, I think I’m about half way there, give or take a couple of pounds.  I do not expect to lose as rapidly as I did in the first six months.  Instead, I’m trying to set realistic goals.  It’s hard.  My heart dreams of hitting goal weight by the one year anniversary of my surgery.

My head says, “You’re not even sure what you want to set as a goal weight.   Don’t forget that you were on a liquid diet for a month after the operation and that knocked off a big chunk of pounds right at the start.”

My emotions sometimes side with my heart, telling me, “Sure.  You can keep averaging 12 to 15 pounds a month.  Get on that scale every morning and remind yourself how much you want this.  Go! Go! Go!”

When the emotions support the head, I hear, “Do not torture yourself.  When you set yourself up with unrealistic goals and don’t meet them, you feel bad.  Maintain your objectivity.”

After batting around these different thoughts like psychological ping pong for awhile, I decided to cut through my own b.s. and decide what is a smart goal.  That’s smart as in Specific Measurable Attainable Realistic and Time-bound.  (Note:  I put in realistic instead of relevant because for me, losing weight is always relevant, but for these goals I need realistic.)

I think I can reasonably expect to lose another 50 pounds by the end of this year.  That’s specific — 50 pounds.  With a good scale it’s measurable.  I believe that I can lose weight at this rate which makes it both attainable and realistic.  The end of the year is a time designation.  Okay, I’m not exactly time-bound to it.  If I’ve lost “only” 48 pounds by December 31st or it takes me until January 8th to lose 50, I’m not going to wail and gnash teeth that I failed to make my goal.

There are other goals within this overall one that I’ve set.  Some of those are more emotional as in, “No torturing myself.  No obsessing over the number on the scale every day.  No beating myself up if I really, really need a treat on occasion.”   Other goals have to do with my physical exercise.  I’ve done great the last few weeks.  I need to build on what I’ve been doing and maintain consistency.  I won’t always be able to do Zumba twice a week, but I will go twice on the weeks that I can.  The bottom line is cardio exercise four times a week.  My Tai Chi is good for  leg strength, balance, and stretching, so in coming weeks I want to add some additional strength training, focusing on my arms.  I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I will.

All of this planning can be a little dizzying and it’s really important that I don’t overwhelm my own brain.  Long term goals are important as I look ahead on this journey, but I can’t lose sight of the fact that I still have to get there one day at a time.

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