Weighty Matters

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A Shame Relapse and Rallying Cry

on June 24, 2012

Yesterday I went to a Celebration of Life for my boss’s husband who recently passed away.  I’d just had my hair colored, cut and styled.  I slipped into a cute dress and did my makeup.  I felt really good and pretty when I looked into the mirror.  At the C of L, I saw several people that I don’t see all of the time so my weight loss was really noticeable.  It felt good to receive their compliments.

This morning I woke up, weighed myself and smiled at the number.  I’ve lost 91 pounds in shortly over five months.  First I was so happy, and then an evil little weed of a negative thought sprouted in my head.  It said to me, “Yeah, you’ve lost 91 pounds and that’s great, but now people are going to look at you and think, ’91 pounds and she’s still so fat?  Geezus, she was a pig.'”  Immediately, I relapsed into shame.

That is an ugly, horrible thing for me to have thought about myself.  I know this but right now I’m struggling to banish the shame.  It is  stinking thinking that achieves nothing positive or helpful.  If I let this weed take root and flourish, it will undermine my emotional recovery and that will jeopardize my physical recovery.   I have a long, long way to go on this journey and the amount of weight I lose is only going to grow.  It will not be healthy for me to foster an environment where the shame continues to grow and I start to hang my head.   I refuse to permit this, but even as I write my heart is beating faster and my stomach wants to curdle around my breakfast.

I came here to write a blog post as a proactive strike, to process the feelings instead of giving into the negativity.  I’m fighting back against the shame.  I do not deserve to feel bad about myself.  Yes, in the throes of my unchecked compulsive overeating/binge eating disorder, I grew to super obese and 386 pounds.  However, and this is the rallying point, I stopped myself and took action by having the weight loss surgery.  I will not let anything or anybody make me feel anything less than joy in what I’ve accomplished and the good that I am doing for myself.  The positive choices that I make every day create a fertile, rich environment on which I am growing a new, healthier, more active, amazing life.

Okay.  My heart rate is calming down somewhat and my stomach is relaxing.  If anyone wants to know why I write this blog, here’s one great reason.  It helps me work through these things and circumstances without using food.  Trust me.  In the past, an event like this would have shot me like a cannonball into overeating.

Today I choose to stick to my food plan.  I’m going to get into the shower, put on cute clothes that fit my improving body, and go out to spend time with friends.  I’m plucking out that weed and grinding it under my heel.  Shame can kiss my smaller ass.

Thanks for being here and listening to my temporary freak out.  🙂

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7 responses to “A Shame Relapse and Rallying Cry

  1. pinkpelican says:

    Good for you in fighting back. You deserve to feel proud of all you’ve accomplished and how far you’ve come. And where you were before does NOT deserve to be viewed with shame or revulsion. You were a great, wonderful person then, and the fact that you had weight problems didn’t make you a bad person. The fact that you were strong enough to face your problems, take control, and deliberately make huge changes in your life is witness to your strength of character.

    Keep reinforcing all of the good stuff about yourself. It’s awesome that you are stopping that hateful little inner voice with the bitch slap it deserves. GO YOU!

  2. Thea says:

    I believe you should think about why these undermining evil thoughts came when they did, right after you had demonstrated your new self to great effect and felt so great. I believe timing will tell you a lot here. And, btw, handled masterfully.

  3. Mary Stella says:

    Thank you, everyone. Your support helps more than you know! 🙂

  4. Well done, you! You are doing wonderfully well and will continue to do so.

  5. Skye says:

    Great way to beat the shame! I just took a course on shame and am still having difficulties remembering to do things to keep it in check when it comes on. Gotta read the book and the lessons and listen to the audios and remember, think, act. Good for you for recognizing it so quickly and doing something about it.

    You are awesome and doing wonderful things. You were awesome when you were 91 pounds heavier. You will be awesome and healthier when you are even thinner. That’s just how it is.

    Good work!

  6. You, my friend, are beautiful! You are a survivor and a fighter and a champion of your own destiny. Even when you’re beating up on yourself, you never lose sight of the real battle you’re waging with your own view of the world and how you fit into it. No fears, my love. You’re winning each and every day you keep fighting… And I know you’ll never quit. So there! ;o)

  7. Jill says:

    You’re an inspiration Mary! I think we all feel that little voice sometimes. I try to “move a muscle, change a thought” as they say in 12 step programs. Take your focus away from the negative and be out in the world. Your achievement is amazing, and a gift for us all. I so appreciate your honesty in this process. Love you girl, keep the faith!!!

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