There are a lot of aspects of being a food addict or having any addictive disorder that are inherently contradictory. One of the big ones is that many addicts are control freaks or at least have some strong control issues. Yet, we can’t control ourselves around our addictive substances. Put us up against the drug of choice or the destructive behavior and we lose. We truly are powerless.
That is such, such, a hard thing to accept and accepting it is the first step to recovery. Admitting we are powerless over food/alcohol/drugs/fill in the blank and that our lives have become unmanageable. Turning over our will, giving up control, whew, those are tough steps. In fact, they aren’t only steps that we have to take, they are big ole leaps of faith.
I struggle with turning over my disease all of the time. I keep taking it back and then having to give it up again.
There’s the other contradiction. Admitting my own powerlessness, giving over that struggle — these are not signs of weakness. They are actions that require strength and determination. But trying telling my conscious mind that when I’m busy engaging in the fruitless struggle.
Honestly, I feel my weakest when I’m struggling. It’s when I tend to get the most down on myself too. It’s hard to make room to feel the strength in powerlessness, to have faith that recovery requires giving up control.
Then sometimes I just laugh at myself for wasting my time trying to hold on so tightly to my control when it should be obvious that it’s an illusion any way. Like I said, I have no control, so why do I sometimes fight so hard to hold onto something that doesn’t work?
I apologize if this all sounds like irrational program babble. Bear with me while I process through the stuff running through my head.
Sometimes it’s easier for me to think of it in the context of understanding and accepting that my way of doing things doesn’t work. I can’t wave a magic wand and make food less addictive to me. I can’t pretend that I can control myself and my eating disorder on my own. Control freaks aren’t good about sharing our control. We like to do things on our own or like thinking that we can do it. I honestly try to be cognizant of the fact that when something doesn’t work for me, I should stop doing it. I mean, really, if it hurts to beat your head against a wall, wouldn’t you stop?
So, for today, I’m accepting my powerlessness again and turning over my will and life. I want my recovery more than I want to retain a control that nets me nothing.