Man, oh man, when I get into a funk about my eating disorder, I really get into a funk. I stopped wallowing in self-pity but could not shake a number of other negative emotions and behavior. I went from depressed to disgusted with myself. That’s where I’ve been, saying all kinds of mean things to myself about myself.
I would never be so mean to someone else. If I was, I’d consider the someone else totally within their rights to bitch slap me.
So, because I’ve been calling myself names and castigating myself for being a weak-willed, lying, denying, fat slob idiot, I’ve been doing my level best to manifest those traits with my eating. Nothing like negatively reinforcing bad self-directed behavior.
This all began to, naturally, effect my self-esteem and confidence. It’s the same old vicious cycle. I began to doubt my physical abilities. I also instantly started viewing my image in the mirror with “fat eyes” in which I no longer see my real body but an inflated, swelled, fatter one.
Today my emotions began to shift back to reality. I can’t claim that a switch got flipped or anything so automatic, but a combination of things came together and I began to change back to a healthier mindset.
I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I know a couple of the factors that I think have helped turn the tide.
I’ve gotten on top of the heel pain so every step I take no longer causes me to flinch and wince. I am much more inclined to be active.
A couple of things that were stressing me out at work were resolved and I was able to get more caught up.
I got a truly terrific share of organic produce. I ordered a larger share than I normally do just because doing so meant I received celery root. I love steaming and mashing celery root but my local supermarket rarely carries this particular veggie delight. So, I got excited about cooking and consuming something healthy that I love to eat.
A friend and I planned a paddle boarding adventure. I’ve been wanting to try the activity again so we finally scheduled it for Saturday afternoon. I had a bunch of trepidation at first because we weren’t climbing onto the boards from the shore. Instead we were in a private area at her condo and would have to clamber up and down a dock ladder to get on and off of the boards. Remember, that in my mind’s eye, I’ve been a cow the last few weeks so I experienced a return of the “you’re too fat to do this” false fear for everything from handling the ladder to staying on the board, etc.
It was a huge boost for me to handle the activity and provide ample evidence that I’m not “too fat”. We practiced for about an hour and that was enough. Once I’m on the board, I’m sort of nervous about moving my feet and throwing off my balance. Unfortunately, this resulted in my feet cramping up and beginning to hurt. So, even though I was successful with the whole adventure, I’m not sure it’s something that I want to frequently do or try for extended periods of time. All in all, I prefer kayaking. However, the important thing is that I challenged myself and succeeded. It was a booyah moment.
Oh, and earlier in the day I’d gotten out on my bike for a nice 10 miles ride which also contributed evidence to my still-existing physical fitness.
Friends and I were hoping to go out on my boat on Sunday, but a persistent high wind deep-sixed that plan. Instead, I invited them to come over and hang out on the porch and by the pool. With that plan in place, my thoughts returned to the produce I still had from the organics share. I Googled eggplant-zuccini salad and found several yummy-sounding recipes.
Oh, the scrumptiousness! I roasted eggplant, zuccini, red onion, and baby sweet colorful peppers, tossed in a little bit of olive oil and herbs from my garden. When they were done and cool, I mixed them with drained chick peas, crunchy raw celery, feta cheese and sherry vinegar. The resulting dish was absolutely delicious!
I derived a lot of happiness from making something healthy and delish for myself and my friends. Seriously, I felt my mood elevate. We had a really nice, relaxing afternoon.
There might be other things, but these are the key mood-shapers that came together. My spirit has been much lighter today. I even dared to go to the local clothing store to see if there were a couple of nice tops/blouses that I could buy to rev up my wardrobe. I have a trip to see family and go to my high school reunion in a couple of weeks, followed immediately by a conference that I love to attend every year.
I had been dreading trying on current clothes, positive that I’d blown up in size and nothing would fit. Obviously, finding out that my clothes fit fine helped me counter the F.alse E.vidence A.ppearing R.eal. I did find a couple of new garments that I know I will enjoy wearing. I came home and further gave myself a boost by making some more progress with the ongoing decluttering project. Then I made a tasty, and healthy dinner for myself with grilled chicken, some of that roasted veggie salad, and a skewer of grilled pineapple and watermelon.
I’m waiting for the sun to go down a little more and then Nat, Pyxi and I are going for a walk. A little last exercise for the day will only serve to help maintain the upswing.