It’s difficult to not obsess about my weight in terms of the actual number on the scale. Sometimes I think I should simply stop weighing myself, or at least stop weighing myself so often. Other times, I’m in such fear that I’ll grow lax and gain weight that I feel I have to be vigilant and keep a steady check on myself.
Simple truth. As far as I’ve come and as solidly as I’ve worked on the emotional and mental aspects of my disordered eating along with the physical, I still do not trust myself to not eventually screw this up. I prefer to think of this realization as crystal clear self-awareness rather than painful self-flagellation.
My scale number obsession is worse this week because I have an appointment my surgeon on Friday. I had that good weight loss when I did the post-Thanksgiving detox but then I stalled again. So, the total number of pounds lost since I last saw him four months ago is nowhere near where I wanted/hoped. I’m really trying to put the obsession aside and assess my progress in a healthy, rational way. It is what it is.
It is what it is, and I shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that all that it is happens to be pretty damned awesome. In doing the new exercise program that I bought, I’m actually delighted that I can lie on the floor and do abdominal curls/crunches. I can lift my butt and hips off of the floor in a bridge and hold them up there. I can walk for extended periods of time and distance or ride my bike for close to 20 miles. (I can probably pedal even further but I haven’t tried yet.) I’m in smaller size clothes than I’ve worn since probably high school.
I make far healthier food choices, eating more fruit and vegetables than candy, cake, cookies, deep fried foods or fast foods. My attitude is positive and I’ve developed an honest pleasure and enthusiasm about being physically active and fit.
To let a number on the scale cloud all of the good would be a mistake and a real injustice to myself. I need to cultivate the positive assessment. Right now, I feel like the mental fatigue of staying on the reduction part of the program is a bigger threat than anything else. I need to remember that the food program is only one aspect of the entire effort. There’s so much more to it; so much more to me.
I’ll get where I need to go, even if it’s one slow pound at a time.
Weighty Matters 