Weighty Matters

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Mar 29

No Reasons, No Excuses

by Mary Stella

The last two days have not been ones that I’d like to make scrapbooks about and remember forever.  They’ve ranked a little higher in suckitude than in the category of sunshine and roses.  Most of it is work related.  Trust me, if Mercury isn’t in retrograde, it should be because ordinary tasks are getting screwed up.  Other, unexpected things are contributing to an overall atmosphere of snafu.  (I don’t think snafu actually belongs as that part of speech but humor me, okay?)

Normally, I’m an upbeat person and take most things in stride.  Semper Gumby (always flexible) is a standard rallying cry.  I can roll with pretty much any punch.  Except those rare times when I feel like things are piling on more than usual and circumstances are stealing my joy.  Stealing my joy along with my bright light, energy, and general tolerance for other peoples’ foibles.

Honestly, everything has contributed to me being cranky as hell and not as willing to stifle it or rise above it.  I pretty much isolated myself in my office today rather, as much for my well being as well as that of others.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t ignore emails and, through that means, a couple of people really pissed me off.  Bad timing that they picked this week to do so.  While last week I would have been more inclined to not call them out for passive-aggressive behavior or control freak tendencies, this week . . . not so much.  In a couple of days, I’m probably going to feel bad that I didn’t call on great techniques to resolve the issues in more gentle, less blunt ways.  Tonight I honestly don’t give a #*$&.  Yes, I am that bitchy right now.

Aren’t you glad you stopped by this blog today?

So, why do I share all this ugly crap with you today.  For one simple reason.  No matter what has rocketed my way, regardless of the various emotions rolling over me, I am still abstinent.  I haven’t caved into compulsive urges or overeaten.  I’m not medicating my emotions in a pint of ice cream or stuffing my aggravation with wedges of cake or handfuls of greasy potato chips.

I’m eating my healthy meals, prepared according to plan.  Rotten days are not a reason to abandon my recovery.  Difficult circumstances do not become an excuse to binge.  No reasons, no excuses.  Even in turmoil, I’m managing to remember that giving into the eating disorder will only make it all worse.  I prefer to hold onto my abstinence and use it as an example of something that is still going right.  It helps me to recenter my gratitude which, ultimately, will reduce the power of the other circumstances.

No reasons, no excuses.  I’m remaining on track.

General Musings NSVs

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Oct 11

Once More With Feeling

by Mary Stella

Once more, I dig deep and resolve to get myself moving in the right direction.  I was doing so well with balancing things for a while and this past week I crashed emotionally and physically.  I’m eating in full out relapse and physically feel like total crap.  My stomach is off.  I’m bloated like I’m retaining fluid for three people.  I refuse to get on the scale so that I don’t totally demoralize myself.

Emotionally, I’m sad, depressed, angry with myself.  Spiritually, I’m downhearted.  Mentally, I go between WTF (What the f&&k) and DGU (Don’t give up).

Here are the bright spots.  Despite everything, I stuck to working out three times last week and gave it my all in rowing classes, Tai Chi and getting Nat out for walks.  When I finish this I’m either going to go for a bike ride or go in the pool.

Emotionally, the bright spot came when talking to one of my closest friends, I talked about how I’m still going through grieving for Pyxi.  My friend could have said, “Suck it up.  It’s been two weeks.”  Instead, she shared that she still experiences moments of grief when she sees a box of things that belonged to her beloved dog who passed a couple of years ago.  So, instead of a negative judgment, I got a much needed validation.

This helped a great deal because I’ve been judging myself all week.

I understand that this is a function of my disease.  If I ever wanted to make it an actual creature in a horror novel, here’s how I would characterize it.  It would be an evil, needy force that craved human emotional pain to to feel alive; that gained substance in form whenever its victim criticized, judged, and body-shamed herself; that took sustenance from the addictive substances that its victim consumed.  So, needing these things for its own survival, the disease would take control of its victim to incite these things and then gobble them up.

Knowing all this, there are times when I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and hide or wallow in my own misery.  Times when I want to say, “What’s the use.  I can’t win.”

Thankfully, somehow, somewhere with help from whatever Higher Power refuses to abandon me, I find the need to dig deep and try once more.

Tomorrow, I’m going the full liquid route.  This is not a crash diet.  I simply want to remove as many food options as possible.  Fewer choices mean fewer chances for my disease to take control and lead me to making the wrong choice.  Plus, my stomach physically feels raw inside from the crap I’ve been eating, like I’ve rubbed it raw with junk.  It needs to be treated gently for a while.

I’ve thought off and on about whether to face the music and weigh myself tomorrow.  Right now, I’ve decided against taking that step.  I’ve meditated over whether this is denial on my part, but I’ve decided that it isn’t.  What I want to achieve is the simple act of getting abstinent again.  I don’t want to make this about how much weight I might have gained over the last week or how much weight I might lose on a food plan of full liquids.  It isn’t about moving up and down in my numbers.  It’s how restoring my emotional, physical, mental and spiritual stability.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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