Weighty Matters

I’ve said before that I do best with my eating when I plan ahead.  Most days I prepare and bring lunch and my morning and mid-day snacks to work.  This way I don’t have to make a food decision when there are things around to tempt me or when I’m rushed or busy.  It’s all too easy at those times to run to the lunch truck and order up something that really isn’t in my best interests as I work toward knocking off these last 50 pounds.

Today I brought what I call my yogurt parfait (Non-fat Greek yogurt, handful of blueberries and some oat meal), a can of “Soup to Go” and some other fruit.  I decided that I haven’t been taking in enough fluids, so I’m really pushing myself on water and other drinks.  I had my mid-morning bite.  Lunch time rolled around and I thoroughly enjoyed my yogurt mixture.  Mid-afternoon approached and I took my soup to the kitchen to heat.

I don’t know what happened but for some reason, the perfectly fine can inexplicably tilted over in the microwave and almost everything spilled out.  Not only did this create a large, annoying mess in the microwave that I had to clean, but it also left me without my mid-afternoon snack.   General crankiness ensued.  Then I remembered that I had a backup!  I’d stashed a few individual serving size containers of almond milk in my desk drawer.  Last week, I’d brought a scoop of protein powder in to, just in case I hit a circumstance like today.  Presto!  A protein shake.  This met my nutritional needs, calmed any food craving, and resolved my crankiness.

It is important to have a backup plan.  It’s helpful to keep small servings of appropriate foods around that don’t need refrigeration.  I honestly don’t do well if I don’t eat a small something every two-and-a-half to three hours.  Lately, I’ve fallen out of the habit of keeping around some cheese wedges or healthy nuts.  I must get back into that routine.  Without the almond milk and protein powder, I would have needed to find something else to eat to stave off a headache, hunger pangs, and other undesirable symptoms.  That something else could have been a food I’d prefer not to eat while still focused on losing weight.

I’m stopping at the grocery store on my way home.  I’ve added non-perishable snacks for my backup plan to my list.

On October 28th, I will mark the 27th anniversary of the day I quit smoking.  I haven’t lit up a cigarette since that day, except sometimes in my dreams.  Every once in awhile, I have a dream in which I’m smoking that’s so vivid I can taste, feel, and smell everything as if I was wide awake and actually smoking.

When I wake up from those dreams I experience a very real fear that they aren’t dreams at all, but that I’ve started smoking again and all of the years of abstinence were for naught.  To understand the grip and awfulness, you have to understand how much I hate cigarettes and the habit.  I enrolled in a hospital-run program to help me quit.  One of the things it taught us was to develop an aversion to smoking and cigarettes.  This was extremely useful.  Now I can’t stand to sit downwind of a lit cigarette.  I’m repulsed by the smell of them on clothing, or on someone’s breath or skin.

I loathe the habit with my mind and emotions too.  My mother suffered lung cancer that metastasized to her brain and, during the same time period, had a couple of strokes, clogged carotid arteries — all caused by cigarettes.  To my mind, she died because of her 50 year addiction to cigarettes.

Given this information, can you see why dreaming that I’ve started smoking again can cause such a strong, negative reaction?

Last night, I dreamed that I was super obese again.  It wasn’t a flashback sort of dream to my past.  I think I could have lived with the memory and used it as a good reminder.  Now, in this dream I was very much aware that I’d once lost the weight because of the weight loss surgery and commitment to healthy eating and physical exercise.  However, for reason or reasons undisclosed, I’d gained it all back and all of the wonderful benefits were gone.  Can I just say that it was a sucky way to wake up this morning?

For the most part I was able to shake it off fairly quickly, but periodically throughout the day, a “what if” thought drifted across my mind.  You know how you’re sometimes tempted to stick your fingers in your ears and chant “lalalalalalalalalalalalalala” to block the sound of a particularly obnoxious song or keep from hearing something you really don’t want to?  That was me today, internally repeating, “nonononononononononono” at the mere thought that I would ever torpedo my successful effort and backslide back to obesity.

I also employed some positive reinforcement.  At Tai Chi class I thought about how much more flexible and strong I’ve become because of the weight loss and the regular practice.  Silly as it sounds, I marked in my head the ease with which I get in and out of my low slung car, and how automatic it is for me to be able to strap my seat belt around and buckle it.

I walked the dogs earlier and paid attention to not only the fluid movements of my arms and legs, but also the healthy beat of my heart and my ability to generate a quick pace without gasping for air.

I focused on my food choices and allowed myself to feel pleased and happy that I willingly eat healthier and on my plan.

All of my life, I’ve believed in the power of our dreams and how with determination and perseverance, we can convert our dreams to reality.  In this case, I need to be specific.  I don’t want last night’s dream to ever become the least bit real.  I simply refuse to screw this up and go back to where I was before.

The dream of good health, fitness, and happiness with my self; the reality of finally getting to goal weight in coming months — those are the dreams I want to make come true.

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I can scarcely believe that this is the 400th post here at Weighty Matters.  Heartfelt thanks to all of you keeping me company on this journey!

It’s been such a busy couple of days, that I haven’t had a lot of time to notice what’s going on in my own recovery — other than that I haven’t had any issues.  I’m not eating compulsively.  I’m keeping up with my exercise.  I feel great.  I’m good.  That sounds kind of boring, but to be honest, it’s a really cool blessing.

White knuckling one’s way through recovery is exhausting.  There are times when you really feel like you’re holding onto abstinence with everything you have — but that amounts to trying to maintain a grip using only the tips of your fingers.  I’ve come to appreciate the many days when this whole eating right thing isn’t a struggle.  I experience this more days than not.  Again, it’s a blessing.

So, right now I’m going to simply enjoy it and the way that it feels.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to stack another day on top of it tomorrow.

I don’t have any brilliant, in depth observations tonight.  Ha!  That makes it sound like I think I have brilliant, in depth observations on other nights.  Observations, maybe, but I don’t know where they’d rank on the brilliance scale.

Tonight, I just want to share about a little game I played earlier this evening.  I ran up to KMart earlier to see if they had embroidery hoops.  I should have known better, but I remember to pick up a couple of other things that I need.

Anyway, in order to get to the sewing section, I had to walk through the aisles of food.  Food packaging is oh so colorful and eye catching — particularly those bright bags of M&Ms, cookies, and other sweets.   Tonight I was on a mission to find a hoop, so I wasn’t ambling up and down in browsing mode.  I walked with purpose at a decent pace.  For some reason while I walked past the shelves of food, I started chanting in my head.  “No, no, no, no” in time with my steps.

When I realized what I was doing, I laughed and made a game of it, putting particular emphasis on the “No” when I spied a particular favorite.  Left, right.  Left right.  “No, no, no, hell no, no, no, no.”

If I’d done this out loud, people would have thought me nuts.  I would have called me nuts.  Since I was the only one who knew, I actually had fun with it.  No matter how silly it might seem, the “No” refrain worked.  After all, I didn’t buy any of that food, did I?

My takeaway lesson from this is that the technique can be serious or silly, but if it works, that’s all that matters.  Tonight, it was all about the power of No.