Where did December go? I sort of saw the days fly by but I was so darned busy I couldn’t latch on for the trip. In addition to being ultra busy with work, I also managed a week’s vacation up to the Northeast for my annual holiday time with family and friends. I wish I could say that I also maintained my good eating habits while I was away, but I don’t want to lie, particularly not on my own blog. Holiday cookies might as well be crack. That’s how addictive they are for me.
Emotionally, I had a wonderful time away. I love spending time with so many people whom I deeply love but whom I don’t get to see so often. Physically, between the cookie binges and not working out for a week, I ended up feeling pretty crappy by the time I was on my way back to Florida this past Sunday.
I think it’s a good thing that stubbornness is part of my DNA and mental makeup. I refuse to give up on myself. I immediately began eating more cleanly, sticking to my plan, and even drinking more water. Yesterday morning, I was on a rower at 7 a.m. It’s only been two days and I already feel better. I always try to remember that each day is the opportunity for a new beginning. I don’t have to repeat bad behavior. I can always choose differently.
My boss and friend and have shared a couple of discussions about this the last two days. At some point yesterday I said that it isn’t really about the food for me. It’s about my behavior with food. Apparently that stuck with her and she’s been looking at, or raising her awareness of her behavior too. We talked some more today about what it feels like to have an eating disorder and why, when we know our goals and our desire to follow out plan and eat responsibly, we go off track. “It’s like there is an alien being in my head sometimes,” I said. “The alien takes over and I grab at food that I don’t want because the alien being wants it.”
The alien being is my eating disorder, of course.
She then, sort of plaintively, wondered why only the bad foods call to her. “If I have the food around, it screams my name,” she said. “Why don’t the good foods ever call me?”
That lead to more discussion about behavior and thinking about how we can set ourselves up for success. I’m glad we had that talk because it put it all in the front of my mind and helped me later on. Every year I end up shipping home a box with the gifts I’ve received. The box arrived today and in it was a package of white chocolate and dark chocolate mixed with peppermint. I unpacked the box, looked at the candy and thought, “No problem. I’ll just have a nibble now and then put the rest in the refrigerator. I’ll be okay. I can control this.”
I honestly don’t know if that’s my ego talking or my misguided illusions. I broke off a piece and ate it so fast that it barely registered. I did go so far as to stick the rest in the fridge, but I also went back to the fridge to eat another piece of chocolate.
That simply would not do! I knew that my eating disorder wouldn’t stop thinking about that chocolate until I’d returned again and again and, eventually ate it all. I had a choice to make and, this time, I made the healthy choice. I grabbed the box from the fridge and marched it to the outside trash cans. Bingo — One large chocolate bar rendered unable to tempt me any more.
I texted the tale to my boss. She texted back, “Well played.”
The chocolate called to me, but it got the wrong number.